Any insight to help my wife out really, really appreciated

[DZooNW]

Brand new to this forum, pretty desperate for some help on things I hope some people can relate to.

We (my wife and I) were told with as much certainty as possible that we'd be unable to conceive. It's an issue on my side, we've tried everything (including 2 attempts at surgery to extract etc.).

We suspected it might have been the case but when we found out for certain, we started on the sperm donor route. We got as far as choosing the donor, and then decided it wasn't right for us. Something didn't feel right about it (I won't go into it for the sake of keeping this post brief as poss).

Then we started on the adoption route, for one reason or another had to put that on hold. And the relief my wife felt from putting on hold caused concern. We felt comfort in not having to face the fact or go through it, we got to box it away and get on with the other aspects of life.

This is kind of why I need help. We're really busy with various bits, we're career driven, we have great social lives etc. we're really, really lucky in all other aspects of life and so we have all the distractions we need to effectively box this grief away and not have to face it. But the truth is we can't do that forever, we will run out of time. And it's not healthy (as far as I know to box it away). But my wife doesn't feel there's any other way to deal with it. I am incredibly supportive and I appreciate how we could be in different places with this, I just want her to be happy and hate the idea of her finding this too tough to deal with.

We are of the age were a lot of our friends and family are starting announce pregnancies and it brings about a lot of emotion, particularly for my wife since she suddenly has no choice but to face it. The problem is that not facing it seems to be the only route for her, since neither donor or adoption are 'the answer'. I think adoption sat a lot easier with us, it's something we're going to resume but I want us to be in a good place before we pick that back up. It's important for us and it's important for the child that's placed.

So a few questions, first of all I hate seeing her that way - is it possible anyone has experience with feeling that incredible amount of grief and feeling it impossible without a solution, but somehow feeling better later on in life?

How did you feel when you had your children by other means? Was it always there in your mind and made you sad forever? Or are you so occupied with the love you have for your 2 or 3 children that it hardly crosses your mind? Be honest please, I'm happy to hear the truth no matter how tough.

If you've been in this situation before what advice can you give? How does it (or could it possibly) ever get better?

I have my own feelings to contend with, the guilt etc. but I want to stay focused on how my wife feels for now since she needs the help. I am booking in with a professional this week but I think a lot of good can come from hearing from you guys that might have been in this situation too.

Sorry for the big post!

We couldn't have children naturally and were given the option to try ivf. Deciding whether or not to do that is the hardest decision I / we have ever had to make.

I think it's very easy to look at the options to have children and forget about the potentially life changing effects of the process, whether or not it is successful. As the woman, it would have been me who had to take a ton of drugs, 'bring in an artificial menopause', have several operations etc. It would be me who had to endure this. And I didn't know if I could. My mental and physical health is important to me and this risked them both. (You tend to only hear the success stories but it's worth reading the experiences of those for whom it did not work, too.)

Also, my marriage is important to me. I couldn't bear the thought of what the process of ivf could have done to us.

So after about a year of deep thought we decided not to go ahead. It was a joint decision. We are now both mostly ok with the situation but the grief comes in waves- a few weekends ago another friend announced her pregnant on my birthday and I cried snotty tears. I hate Mother's Day. But I do think we still made the right decision for us at the time.

It is such a difficult thing. In my opinion the only thing you can do is talk to each other and respect each other, but children are not the only thing in life and ivf etc can be a deeply gruelling thing. It's not right for everyone.

Wishing you both the best.

Hi

We're in a similar situation as my partner had leukaemia as a teenager and his preliminary blood tests have come back as likely infertile.
He doesn't seem too fussed about it and we're yet to do any semen analysis so can't know anything for sure until we do. ICSI is looking the most likely at the moment.

I also have PCOS to add to the mix just to make life harder haha.

From my point of view - I want to go through pregnancy and childbirth. I think that act would make me feel as though the baby is mine more so than the genetic make up of it.

We have briefly discussed donor sperm but I'm not 100% sure I want that, I want to have a baby that is my partners because it's him I love and I want a part of him I guess. I think if donor sperm is our only option then we probably will (after all the counselling etc) and nature vs nurture I believe is very real. I think, I would prefer him to choose the donor and I hope the child wouldn't think he wasn't their dad. There's always that risk but he's such a good person that I truly believe our child will love us both the same.

I second being honest with the child from the beginning, I would prefer to know if it were me. I don't know that I would ever seek the donor out personally but it would be good to have that option.

Adoption I am 50/50 about whether I would do it or not. I would have to think about that after exploring all of my other options.

Anyway, I don't know if I've helped at all... I hope you do get your child, by whatever means.

Same shit boat, although mine’s even shittier because we’re way older.

Adoption is not for us (for reasons that I now refuse to discuss: people who have had their own biological children without a single deep thought are invariably such patronising fuckers about it).

I haven’t yet made my peace with it. Donor embryos will always be an option, I tell myself, so I can take my time deciding what to do. So much love to you. It’s a bereavement scenario without any of the sympathy from others, and it’s brutal.

Like a pp mentioned, having children is selfish to begin with. No one has children for someone else, we have children for ourselves. And IVF/IUI/donor conceived children are obviously so desired, so wanted ! Way more than "accidents" or "afterthoughts". I would forever prefer to explain to my (donor-conceived) son why he is alive, than having to tell him "well, the condom broke and our religion is against abortion, so we had to put up with you".

Okay, maybe that last bit was something of a caricature, but my point stands.

As for the child's identity, I think the child will be as comfortable with it as you are. If you present it as a matter of fact they will take it in stride. If you are confused and unhappy about it, of course the child will be too.

Like others, it does sound to me, based on what you've said so far, that your wife may be interested in pursuing the donor route. But it sounds like she is feeling guilty about it - towards you ? Towards the child ? - and needs to work through these feelings before she can go ahead.

I'd say the path forward is more talking with her, so you take the route that brings you both some peace.