What’s the definition of ‘can’t have children’?

[Hardeggs]

A question and I really hope I can get some responses. My husband and I have been ttc for 6 years. We had all the tests and I have had all the examinations, blood tests etc etc. Nothing has come back as wrong but yet there’s no baby. We saw an infertility expert who said our only hope is ICSI (IVF). Either his sperm lack some enzymes or my eggs are too hard! Anyway, that’s background. My question is this - is it okay to say I can’t have children? We’ve chosen not to have IVF - emotionally I just can’t cope with anymore trying. I told a friend and they told me that not having a child is my choice as I’ve rejected IVF. Therefore being childless is my choice. What’s okay? I’m so confused :(

As others, i would consider someone who can't conceive without medical intervention to be 'unable to have kids'. That being said, whilst what you're friend said was very unpleasant, I guess she's coming from a position of having no options left to try, whereas you've made a choice not to try IVF (which is a completely valid choice and not one that I would equate with choosing not to have children). So whilst I don't agree with what she said, I can understand it.

Thank you @Spam88 - I can understand why they said it and maybe saying ‘unable’ is a better word. You never know what everyone is going through and so finding a way to talk about it without upsetting others is my aim.

I'm even more surprised that you're friend has had IVF and not more supportive. She could have got bank loan for another round/surrogate/adoption/donor eggs/sperm so by her rationale she is childless by choice.

I'm sorry you both can't have children x

@Hardeggs "can't have children" is a very flexible definition, the "friend" could also said that you decided not to adopt and it's your choice. I think you should not justify your choices in front of people. IVF is expensive and emotionally and physically traumatizing. You have a control over your life and decide it's not for you. I think it's fine to say that you can't have children and not justify your decision and choices, it's your life. A friend of mine says that she can't have children and her reasons are financial, she thinks she can't afford them. Another friend "can't have children" because she is single and in her 40s. No one would tell them "oh no you can, you just decided not to". It's their choice.

@Hardeggs 💐 You as a couple are infertile, you have surpassed the medical threshold for infertility. Clearly you have a preference for the phrase “cannot have children”, for me the two things are the same.

You are not wrong in your choice of words at all and no one has the right to tell you how to talk about what you’re going through or diminish your suffering. 💗

For some infertile people the idea that you wouldn’t try every single option until it is absolutely exhausted seems crazy, so crazy that they cannot empathise with you at all.
For other infertile people the idea that you would willingly put yourself through such traumatic medical treatment with little promise of success seems crazy.

Although it would seem like you have something in common and should be able to help each other, it turns out your views on this are totally opposed. It would be an upsetting mistake for both of you to continue trying to engage on this topic.

💐💗

I would describe your situation as unable to have children -it's quite similar to mine. We are unexplained infertility (what ever that even means 🙄) like you guys and for me personally it's kind of worse. As we have never got any explanation or indicator about what the issue is

I echo the others, your friend is a dick and misinformed. Plus mean and judgey. There are no guarantees with IVF at all. Surely she knows that?!? It's very much a personal thing how far you pursue it all. It's really not anyone else's place to judge. Personally lm done after doing Clomid and a round of IVF which is my choice to make

But yeah l would also use can’t have children. For me it’s much of a muchness

that's either not a real friend or a very very stupid person.

you are not "childless by choice" - you put yourself through 6 years of trying, tests, heartbreak and turmoil. it's not a choice or giving up if you can't face years 7-9 of further stress, it's just recognising the limits of your capacity.

I hope you make better friends.