PTSD?

[Nottheboreworms]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this but I wasn't sure where to start.

I suffered with a combination of infertility and recurrent miscarriage for a period of 3 years (2012 - 2015). This included endometriosis surgery, fertility treatment, missed miscarriage and several ERPCs including repeat ERPCs when initial ones failed. I've buried the distress I felt over this time deeply but over the last year I feel it's hit me hard. I'm having flashbacks and find it almost impossible to be intimate with DP or touched by him. I'm feeling desperate. I feel like a burden to my family. That I'm useless and they're better off without me. I also have days where I feel angry but don't know why. I'm all over the place. Has anyone else had this or similar? I'm scared to go to my GP.

You need to go to your GP. It does sound like something is up, and it might be PTSD, or it might be some other MH issue.

You need to be properly diagnosed, so you can get the best support.

I know some GPs are better than others, but you really shouldn't be scared to seek the help you need

Thank you. It's so hard. I'm not this person. I'm a "together" professional with a serious job. I'm almost embarrassed. It's ridiculous I know. I spent yesterday crying nearly all day. I feel exhausted- like I want to get into bed and never get out.

Hugs from afar as I have walked a similar path and it is incredibly hard. In some ways I have almost found it harder as time has gone on as those around me have assumed it is ‘all in the past’. Like you I buried alot of the pain at the time and it was to the detriment of my mental and physical health, and has certainly impacted on intimacy with my husband. So I do understand, and you are most certainly not alone in feeling how you do. It resonates strongly with me, and whether it is ptsd, or depression or grief I’m not sure, but it takes its toll certainly and the only thing that has really helped me has been counselling and anti depressants. They haven’t numbed me from the pain but they have allowed me enough distance from it to work through it.

You aren’t a burden to your family, and have nothing to be embarrassed about. Whatever the professionalism of your job, whatever your strength, traumas like these leave their mark.

Keep talking to us as much as you need x

And certainly don’t be scared of going to your GP. They will fully appreciate why you are feeling as you do and can get you the help that you need. Doctors themselves aren’t immune to these traumas and will not remotely judge you for struggling as you are however ‘perfect’ your life seems in every other respect.

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel like I have no right to feel like this. I got my much longed for baby in the end. I was so fortunate.

But I was trying to explain to DP that for 3 years I was totally and utterly focused on getting (and staying) pregnant. Even when I had the losses I didn't allow myself to process them properly - I wanted them dealt with so I could try again. It sounds so callous.

I think it's left me with a very odd relationship with my body. Especially my nether regions. It's a combination of feeling detached from it so it's not part of my sexual being anymore and an absolute hatred of it being touched. When I'm touched in a loving context I just feel like I'm being "examined" and I'm right back in a procedure room being treated like a piece of meat. It's awful. It feels like my whole body is screaming internally. Poor DP. He's so patient. And occasionally it's fine but it's usually not.

Gosh it sounds like you've been through such a lot and if you haven't really processed that then it's bound to come to the forefront at some point. Be gentle on yourself you feel what you feel and you aren't a burden.

Unfortunately there probably isn't a switch that you can push that will make everything magically okay. But you will get through this, use the support of your family, go to the GP, see a counsellor, organise time to see friends. Over time it will get better. I'm going through a tough patch at the moment so I'm going to have to try and use my own advice too x

Thank you. I'm wondering if its coinciding with peri menopause and/or the longed for baby going to school in September. I nearly phoned the GP today but chickened out.