What can I say?

[HeIsLeaving]

Sorry to anyone this upsets.

I have 3DC never had any problems TTC (sorry). I have a friend who is desperately trying to conceive and has been TTC for over a year.

I want to be supportive. I want to help. But what can I say or do that doesn't just upset her even more?

Thanks

There isn’t a magic phrase that will make it feel better.

If she wants to talk about it, listen. Don’t share miracle stories. Don’t suggest adoption. Don’t tell her it will all be ok in the end and she’ll get her baby.

I’d just say that you’re really sorry she’s going through all this and you’re always there to listen and give her a hug.

Trying to meet up without children is a good idea.

@PurpleDaisies thanks that's helpful x

My post sounds really negative, and one year trying isn’t all that long (even though it feels like ages). She’ll most likely only just be getting referred for investigations. It’s best not to say it, but it may be that there’s an easy fix or she conceived naturally soon. The role of friends is definitely best as a sympathetic ear though rather than a problem solver.

No thank you for your reply. She's on medication. I asked the name of it and that ivf May be the next option. It's hard as not asking anything feels really careless, I'm worried she'll think I don't care but asking about things feels like walking on egg shells xx

@HeIsLeaving I would say just that - that you really do care and you want to be there for her, but you're worried about saying the wrong thing. Ask her what she needs from you. My best friend is amazing - she doesn't try to fix it, she remembers when my appointments are and just sends a text on the day with some love hearts and lets me know she's there for me. She sends me hugs, listens to me on down days and avoids telling me "my best friends cousins wife got pregnant after going on holiday..." Or suggesting I adopt... Those things aren't great to hear.

Just an acknowledgement of understanding how hard things are for her would help I reckon. It can be so isolating, it's lovely that you've come on here to see how to best be there for her. She's a lucky friend! X

Ask her.

Tell her you know she is going through something you can’t imagine and you want to know what would make her feel best.
Ask her if she wants you to ask how it’s going now and again or not.
Ask her if she’d prefer if you don’t bring it up until she does.

If she wants to talk about it then just listen. Listen to hear her not to react or advise.
Ask her to explain the things she mentions because you want to learn more and understand what she’s up against.

My preference is to be super open and talk about it all. I don’t want any advice or bullshit platitudes from my friends lol (well meant doesn’t make it ok).
I tell my friends that a good start is to listen and say “That’s really shitty and I’m sorry it’s happening, do you want a hug?”

X

(P.s: much love and respect that you have gone in search of ideas about this! You are obviously a good friend 🥰)

Thank you for your replies, so helpful