Dealing with pregnancy announcements

[Needtotalkivf19]

I was just wondering how others feel and deal with pregnancy announcements. I usually ok but tonight me best friend let me know she pregnant (by sending me her scan pictures) and she having twins. I am happy for her but also feel so sad and upset, it was only at the beginning on the month she was tell me how she didn’t want anymore children for a while, has she has an 18minth old who doesn’t sleep, she must of known at the time she was pregnant aswell. This was her 12week scan. I know I may just sound awful, and I wish I didn’t feel the way I do, I just don’t know how to Deal with it at the moment.

It’s very hard. Times when I really can’t cope with pregnancy news. I shy away from people with babies and don’t join in chats.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok.

Did she know you’ve been struggling? It’s really insensitive of her if so. If you need yo take some time with her at arms length, that’s absolutely fine. It’s such a hard position to be in.

It’s ok to not feel ok about it. I tbink we al berate ourselves too much for feeling angry or upset at other people’s baby news and we shouldn’t. I read two mantras I now say which help. First if I feel angry at someone who announced their pregnancy I say I am not angry at them I am upset about my situation. Then I don’t feel so bad as I am allowed to be upset at my situation. The second is I have a medical condition that means it’s difficult to get pregnant and they don’t. I’m sure they have or will have other medical conditions they will need to deal with. I read them in some infertility related books. I find a mantra (especially the first one) stops me going down the rabbit hole!

Also I have told our good friends about our struggles and they have been excellent. Had a lot of pregnancy announcements lately and they’ve all been over phone or face to face - no scan pictures and all have said they know it’s upsetting for us. When friends have had new babies they’ve also let us know the news and name but not sent us pictures. It just makes it that little bit easier. So maybe consider confiding in a few people.

I massively struggle with announcements. I sometimes avoid people I think might make them... and then avoid the pregnant!

We had a late term loss of twins at 23 weeks, so people know that we want a family, which probably makes the conversation easier in that sense.

But I try and make sure everyone knows I want to find out via whatsapp etc rather than face to face or on a call. I want to be able to react how I feel (which as time goes on is usually to have a little cry feeling sorry for myself) rather than having to spend an evening etc. being really happy for them (which of course I am) without having to hide the other element of my sadness for me and DH.

You have to do what you can to protect yourself.

Very sorry for your loss@Bumbers. My sister lost her little girl @24 weeks and it is so so hard. You definitely need to do what’s best for you x

I know how you feel, it’s devastating - the new baby arrivals I can cope with (there’s an adorable healthy baby, how can I not be happy to see that) but the pregnancy announcements get me every single time, especially when they already have other children or got pregnant so easily.

Face to face announcements are definitely worse as you don’t have time to process your feelings and have to just swallow them down for a while. Our best friends announced they were expecting (after only a month of trying, of course!) and it was so hard to be excited for them at first. I’m sure that, after the initial shock and being unable to speak for a few seconds, I over compensated and was totally over the top with my enthusiasm! It wasn’t until I got home that I could really process the unfairness of it all.

I always feel guilty and think what a horrible person am I to begrudge someone else the one thing I so desperately want but I like the mantra above, it’s my situation that I’m unhappy about not theirs and that’s ok.

Yup I had one last night - they sent me the 20 week scan photo and everything

I don't feel upset when it's someone I know has struggled with infertility or miscarried but I do if they are one of the smugly fertile who is on their 3rd/4th kid

There's a special place in hell for people who send unsolicited scan photos. Some people just don't have the sensitivity gene.

Agreed @heyheywhatever they are so unnecessary! Along with massive reveals of getting pregnant.

If I ever get there I’m sending a generic text saying I’m pregnant and that’s it. No scan photos no surprise reveal no baby shower - nothing!!!

@HeyHeyWhatevwr!
Yup - I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't know our troubles but she knows full well I have had 5 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics and permanently infertile now and also just about to start 4th round of IVF.:..... her pregnancy was via a home insemination kit which makes it even more fucking painful!

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I would be reconsidering whether I needed such a friend in my life! She sounds horrible! My best friend was nearly crying when she was telling me about her second pregnancy. I could see she was so afraid of upsetting me and is worried about me.