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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Heartless mum

22 replies

minielise · 28/12/2019 18:13

My mum knows that we’ve been trying for a baby for the last 3 years. She also knows that we can’t afford ivf.

Whenever I’m around she always makes jokes in front of me to people about how she is desperate for a grandchild. She was playing with a doll that belonged to a child the other day and loudly said in front of everyone oh I wish you would stop being selfish and give me a real one.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, there is no reasoning with her and asking her to stop is pointless because she likes the drama too much and would manipulate it to people into me being nasty to her.

She likes to use me as the butt of jokes to people and always has and if I ask her to stop she says I’m being too sensitive.

She always paints herself out to be the victim, she once grabbed me when I was trying to walk out because she was being nasty and I shook her off (didn’t touch her at all), there was only me and her there and she faked that I had pushed her and hit her head and pretended to lose consciousness. For weeks after people were asking me how I could hit my Mum etc.

I know I’m rambling but I just don’t know what to do!

OP posts:

2020BetterBeBetter · 28/12/2019 18:17

I’d go no contact with her. She sounds awful. I’m sorry you have had to put up with her and I’m sorry about your infertility.

If no contact isn’t an option, every time she says anything to anyone then turn to the person she is talking to and say “I wish I could have children but unfortunately it’s not been possible” and leave it at that. The person you are talking to will realise your mum is a twat.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2019 18:18

I would go completely no contact. Your mother is nothing more than a toxic bitch who will destroy your mental health.

Oneforposy7 · 28/12/2019 18:20

I think you need to say something in front of the family/whoever you're with. Shame her.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 18:21

I agree with avoiding her. Horrible behaviour.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/12/2019 18:23

I think you should shame her every single time she makes a comment like that. A quick ‘we are infertile, as you well know mum, so please can you stop trying to humiliate me in public about it’ should do it. I would also go low / no contact.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/12/2019 18:29

Get rid of her well before you become a dm. Ime shit dm's become shitty dgm's...
Maybe the reduction in stress levels will be a positive thing op...

Iamallatsea · 28/12/2019 18:32

If you can bear to say it I would totally embarrass her “ why do you keep saying ( however she has phrased it that particular time) you know full well that we would love to have a child but we are ( with the words you feel comfortable using). Why are you being such a bitch/ drama queen.
Consider going LC for your own well being.

SeeingThePyramids · 28/12/2019 18:57

Go no contact.

The infertility journey is tough enough without someone like this putting the boot in and humiliating you at regular intervals.

You don’t have the energy to waste on someone like this, family or not 💗💗 x

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2019 19:24

She's toxic - cut her loose.

Original poster

minielise · 28/12/2019 19:27

I can’t go no contact because nobody else sees it! They think it’s in my head. I tried to stop talking to her in the past when I was at uni after her saying I had hit her and she convinced everyone my ex was controlling me and not letting me speak to her. She claimed I had confided in her that he was abusive and that I had lashed out in a panic. There was no truth to it at all and it caused us to break up because my family were awful to him after.

My sister sees it when she does stuff to her but refuses to accept she does it to me too... and is very quick to forget what she has done to her afterwards.

I genuinely don’t think she does it to be nasty, she watches a lot of soaps and talk shows and seems to think that level of drama is what everyone has in their life! Someone bursting into tears and running upstairs is how she thinks it should be.

I mentioned to my sister and aunt in the past that we need to get her help but it was shot down.

OP posts:

Original poster

minielise · 28/12/2019 19:30

I think I might try what has been suggested and say “why do you keep saying this when you know I’m infertile? Are you trying to embarrass me in front of all these people?”

That way after so many times others will start to pick up on it...... or she will pick up on the fact I’m not letting the comments slide!

OP posts:

Persipan · 28/12/2019 19:40

"You wish that I'd stop selfishly... being infertile? What a strange thing to say."

thefishthatcouldwish · 28/12/2019 20:01

I would try and go minimum contact if none contact is not possible.

When it’s raised I would say the reasons why calmly but to the point.

Your mum sounds totally vile sorry x

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2019 20:11

I can’t go no contact because nobody else sees it! They think it’s in my head

You should have some therapy so you can see the wood for the trees - at the moment, you seem to be saying that you're destined for a life of abuse and gaslighting because she has you trapped.

You have choices in life, OP. And you can choose to accept her behaviour and the way it makes you feel, or you can choose to get some help with reframing this and seeing her for what she is - an abusive and manipulative parent.

2020BetterBeBetter · 28/12/2019 21:04

It doesn’t matter if anybody else sees it or not, and I bet that some do (and more will as time goes on).

DressedAs · 29/12/2019 11:23

Next time she says anything about a grandchild in front of others if you could bear it I would say:

"Mum why do you make these comments when you know we have been trying for a baby for three years and are really struggling to cope with the sadness and disappointment of not getting pregnant? On top of the sadness we already feel we don't need you trying to make us feel guilty. You know this hurts us can you tell me why you do this?"

Shame her in front of others and let them see her true colours, if you can bear to be so open. I'm sorry she is causing you additional pain and hope you get your BFP soon. If you can't bear to do this just cut her out of your life she sounds absolutely vile. Be prepared for her to tell lies about what you've done it though.

Trainwardrobe · 29/12/2019 12:04

I’m so sorry OP- what vile vile behaviour. There is no way you should be putting up with that. It sounds like she has put you through so much and you seem to be minimising it. As PP has said would you consider counselling in order to help go no contact, low contact?

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 29/12/2019 14:09

My goodness you poor thing. IF is hard enough to deal with, without having all this from your mum too.

Does the rest of your family etc know about your situation? If they do then, like other PPs, I would call her out on her comments, each and every time. There are some brilliant comments in this thread. You are not being overly sensitive - her comments are completely out of order and I'm sure others do notice them.

If others don't know what's going on, then my inclination would be to tell your mum exactly what you think and feel, making sure that DH is there for back up. But my inclination would be to open up to people so that you can call her out on her behaviour.

Hanab · 29/12/2019 14:15

Do not let her get away with the constant ‘guilt’ trips.. tell her straight and out loud .. (that is if you are okay with people knowing your struggles .. )
When she starts cut her off immediately and tell her to stop🌷

Claphands · 29/12/2019 14:24

I’d go LC/NC too, you don’t have to tell her that, just don’t return calls or say things like ‘yes we will meet soon’ but don’t actually do it?
You don’t need her shit on top of dealing with infertility x

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 29/12/2019 15:43

That's horrendous. I am so sorry.

Why do you think you need permission or to justify why you've gone NC?

AliceAbsolum · 30/12/2019 14:58

It can be done. She sounds pretty emotionally abusive.
I'd go NC, or if you can't yet then in the mean time call her out on her behaviour: "When you say that I feel...."

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