Pregnancy resentment

[Mangotango123]

My husband and I are trying for a baby (we’re both 35). We have fallen pregnant twice this year, both of which sadly ended in miscarriage in first trimester.

Our families know we are desperate for a child, but are not privy to the MC happenings as we felt we wanted to keep it private and deal with it behind closed doors. We are now trying again.

My sister has 3 children. She doesn’t work but her husband does - he has a modest income but they get by, he has admitted to me at times financially it is tough.

My sister spoke to me yesterday to say she was sorry to have to break it to me, but she was expecting baby no 4.

I don’t know what to think. I have so many emotions about it. She feels bad/awkward because she knows we are trying but obviously she doesn’t know it stems much deeper than that, having lost 2 and the last one only 6 weeks ago. It’s all so raw.

She lives very close to me, we have a very close family and I just feel nothing but dread over the coming months to have to watch her pregnancy develop and then ultimately have to welcome the newborn into the family and have a small baby in our family fold. It’s extremely distressing and I don’t know what to do.

I feel so many emotions - mainly that she claims this was an ‘accident’ but I think differently. Her youngest has started school this year and I feel it’s a case of the youngest has flown the nest, and she wanted another child. Regardless of the fact they can ill afford it.

I see little point in revealing the MCs to her as all it is going to do is make her feel worse on a situation she can do little about, but mentally I feel overwhelmed by this. Even if I fell pregnant myself during her pregnancy, given I have had 2 recurrent MCs there is a chance I would have a third - which would again be family nightmare if she went full term and viable baby and I didn’t.

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for me?

That's so so tough. Nothing you can do will make this situation fine. But to make it more bearable could you see less of her? It's OK to not put yourself in situations that are going to be hurtful for you.
When you are around her can you tell yourself anything helpful? When I'm faced with pregnant women I often say "they're not pregnant with your baby, your time will come" then I focus my attention onto something else.
Would counselling help?

I'd had two miscarriages when my brother and his wife got pregnant. I was really upset- happy for them but sad for myself. It's so tough. They knew about my miscarriages and were very sensitive towards me, they handled it so kindly and kept baby talk to a minimum around me. I did actually fall pregnant when she near the end of her pregnancy and that pregnancy we successful so I hope that gives you some hope that third time can be lucky. In terms of handling it. I'd just let it sink in. Also think about confiding in your sister. It might make her feel bad but only because she cares about you and hopefully she'll be sensitive towards your situation - it could help? There's no fairness when it comes to stuff like this. Some people are just luckier (or unluckier) than others. Wishing you lots of luck on your journey. I hope you get good news yourself soon.

Have you considered counselling? It's clear your sister is trying to be sensitive to your emotions but she shouldn't be made to feel bad for being pregnant.

Give yourself time to get your head together and hopefully you'll be able to support your sister during her journey and in time I'm sure she'll support you through yours.

I know it's so hard...I agree with Butterflyflower1234...does your clinic offer counselling? It is hard to see others getting pregnant, but both their financial situation and whether or not the pregnancy was planned is really their own affair.

I've had two chemicals, pregnant now, but it's so early. What I find helps is reminding myself that my feelings are mine and don't really have anything to do with anyone else. It's the reminder of how hard it is to get pregnant, and how much I wanted a child. I found counselling great.

It sounds like your sister has been as sensitive as she can be...you must try to support her too xxx

I'm not sure there is any right way to deal with it? My sister and I were 2 weeks apart during my first pregnancy - I miscarried at 12 weeks - she went on to have a perfect pregnancy. The difference however is that the family were fully aware of what happened and I think you've probably put yourself in a worse position because no one knows about your miscarriages

If you feel that you are going to struggle to be around her and may act different in a way that may upset her then you should be honest about the full extent of your troubles x