another BFN

[Midnightbluewhale]

Today was test day for our second round of IVF with donor eggs and another BFN. Never had a round with my own eggs as it was never an option with previous medical history and early menopause. Just feeling so down and frustrated and needing to offload.

I feel like both rounds have been less than ideal; the first we got 8 eggs, 5 fertilised, one top grade by day 2 so we had a transfer at day 2 resulted in a BFN. Then this round only got 3 eggs, 2 fertilised, transfer at day 3 with an embryo which was starting to compact. The other made it to blast but not good enough to freeze. Another BFN this morning which I was expecting because I just felt it hadn’t worked but still absolutely gutting when it’s confirmed.

So back to square one. I’m not ready to give up but it’s so hard to think that this might not happen for us. I feel like up until now I’ve been resilient with everything life has thrown at me but this has been a real test.

We told family that we’d been matched with a donor but haven’t told them the specifics about this latest round because we didn’t want all the questions but now I’m dreading telling everyone because my mum in particular is very emotional and will not hold back in letting me know how devastating it all is.

How does everyone else cope with telling others vs keeping it to yourself?

So sorry to hear about your bfn.

My policy about telling people is either all in or all out. My mum came and stayed with us during our first cycle and she was 100% up to speed. I would not talk to anybody else about it. Reason being I can't bear the multiple questions which might come once a week by person X, because I need to update them on things that now might even be old. My mum would update my dad, but I would not.

Also, since day one I knew I could not bear questions. So my friends do not know and my extended family does not know. It was a very good choice for me.

Woek-wise, my boss knew, but I asked him not to ask questions and that I would update him on the time off I needed.

Hope you feel better soonxxx

My OTD is today and as well as a BFN i got my period! This is our third transfer with own egg embryos - I haven't told anyone about this transfer- my family aren't particularly supportive/interested anyway and don't believe a pregnancy is a baby until 12 weeks so you can imagine the response I've had to 5 mc and 2 ectopics all under 12 weeks. It's better this way though - I've been so disappointed in their support in the past that I can't deal with the disappointment of another failed cycle/miscarriage as well as disappointment in their behaviour. You have to look after yourself first - as each cycle passes its harder to tell people it hasn't worked - I sort of feel embarrassed - all emotions I don't need on top of everything else

I do talk to people in support groups though and that has helped - they are the only ones who really know what you're going through

Will you try again? It sounds like maybe your donor isn't the best quality? X

I'm so sorry midnight, that's so shit and unfair.

@Lalla525 Thank you. Yeah it’s so hard isn’t it. That’s good that you feel your mum has been a good support. Me and my mum get on really well but she just gets super emotional about everything and doesn’t cope well particularly since my previous illness. I might just have to say to her that I won’t be telling her in future for all of our sakes.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted So sorry to hear about your BFN too. It’s really shit isn’t it. You’re right you have to look after yourself and I sort of feel resentful that I’m having to worry about what other people might be feeling when it’s me/us going through it. It must be so hard to cope with such backwards views from your family. The clinic I go to did offer some counselling and might have some support groups so maybe something to consider. I think we will try again: physically a donor egg cycle is less intense for me because I don’t have to have all the injections beforehand but there is a lot of emotional hardship. They have been two different donors and the one we were matched with this time has donated previously to another couple and it was successful so I think it’s just hard to know how it will go and I think we’ve just had a bit of bad luck too.

@Whereland Thank you. It really is. Feeling a little brighter today and going. To enjoy a boozy Christmas before starting over in the new year. Every cloud.

I cannot tell anyone, do not want to upset my mum, because me bring upset will affect her. Embarrassed, full of regrets at life that has not happened better way (in this respect and others as well). I've decided to try counselling, the clinic offers one free session, maybe it'll help a bit. @Midnightbluewhale so sorry about your BFN, hope it'll work next time. It has to. I think that no control over the process is what makes it really unbearable, plus each failure costs a fortune for those self funded.

@oldandsad thanks. Yeah you’re right the not knowing is what is really hard. I know what you mean about embarrassment too... is such a strange and unexpected emotion to be experiencing. I started off being so pragmatic about the chances and the odds but after two failed rounds I can’t help but start questioning if it’s me and something my body is doing to make it unsuccessful, in which case throwing money at round after round isn’t going to help. It’s so expensive too for donor cycles, £5k+ with my local NHS hospital and £9k+ with my local private clinic. Not that I resent spending the money, it’s just numbers on a screen in the grand scheme of life and we are lucky to be able to afford it.