Is all of this ever going to end?!?!

[EL8888]

We have been trying to conceive for getting on for 2 years. Allegedly we have unexplained infertility and have had a cycle of IVF. With 3 embryos currently in the freezer. The plan had been to stop trying at the end of 2019. Stupidly l then agreed to a frozen transfer in 2020 and lm now totally regretting it. I’m sick of the whole trying to conceive / infertility nightmare. My concern is my partner will want to try a frozen transfer, take more Clomid (previously we have done 2 cycles, l hated it and the side effects), explore adoption etc etc. I have zero interest in any of this and l know l won’t change my mind. I feel resentful that it’s me who will have to jump through most of these hoops. I just want to get on with my life e.g. we can’t even buy a bigger property as l think it’s a bad idea making a massive commitment, when we aren’t on the same page about how to proceed with our fertility issues.

I’ve tried to tell my partner all of this but he’s not properly taking it on board and just tries to placate me. There’s also an under current of irritability from him that l feel these things and have expressed them. For example earlier on today l tried to have a discussion with him about it all and the way l feel. He was reluctant and then terminated the conversation as he didn’t like the direction it was going in. He was off work all day but magically “it wasn’t good timing” to discuss it.

I want an end to all of the disappointment, stupid appointments, injections (lm literally covered in needle marks), medication and their side effects etc. I want to get my life back which l don’t think is unreasonable

I think he needs to listen to where you are right now. For him it must be very upsetting to have his dream of a baby be dashed. Hard for both of you.
Could you compromise as you have embryos in the freezer and agree to stop for a year, get on with your lives and reassess the situation then?

I don’t want it hanging over me for another year, especially as it would then end up being year 4 by the time we would have to do something about it. I am 40 in a matter of weeks anyway. To be honest l just want to get on with my life, all of this is wasting my time

If he still wants a child and you don't then there's not a lot of future for the relationship. You can't compromise by having a child through adoption or by having countless medical procedures. There's also still a chance you will conceive naturally of course - and it doesn't sound like you want that at all?
It ok to not want to go on with this but you need to force the conversation .you can't go on like this.

I do want a child but lm sick of medication, side effects, endless appointments etc. Let’s not forget lm the one at the sharp end of most of this -not him.

Yeah we are unexplained and we pass all fertility tests with flying colours so theoretically we could conceive naturally but it appears unlikely after this length of time

@EL8888 I fully understand what you mean...this is our first and only ivf try ( we are lucky to have one 4y, conceived naturally, I had her at 40)...I was 45 last week...and honestly I would not be able to do it again, even if younger ...I admire everyone who’s done multiple cycles..but understand our situation is slightly different as we have one child already. I was on short protocol, so only 2w of jabs but on 6th day even my husband said that he would not put me through this again (he was doing the jabs for me) ... It’s your body, be firm if that’s what you want...you need to have a conversation with him. Wish you all the best.

It ends when you want it to end, @EL8888. It's gruelling and I totally understand how you feel - I'm 40, and it took four donor egg cycles and a lot of heartbreak for me to finally get a BFP that didn't end in a chemical or early miscarriage. I'm 35 weeks now but if this hadn't worked out I'm not sure I could have put myself through it again - even though I can't bear to think of the prospect of not having children.

The main issue is the disparity in what you and your partner want now though. You need to talk and be totally honest with each other 💐

I feel for you, I really do. I’m just one failed cycle of IVF down (nothing frozen) and whilst I want to try again, there will come a time when I won’t. I know I won’t be able to be one of those people who do 5, 6, 7 or more rounds (no disrespect whatsoever to those who do, by the way, but everyone’s circumstances are different).

I agree that infertility / trying to conceive puts your life in limbo and makes ‘your role in the world’ uncertain. 40 is a milestone and it’s only natural you’re having reservations about continuing treatment.

I agree that you bear the brunt of this far more than your partner, you are the one being poked, prodded, pumped full of hormones. Yes, you both have the emotional journey but yours is so aggravated by all of the above.

I don’t really have any advice as such, I I just wanted to say I empathise totally. Can you agree to put TTC and treatment out of your mind between now and the new year at least - enjoy your birthday and Christmas without every thought and conversation being about TTC.

Then see where your head is at in early Jan and resolve to make that happen - whether that is doing one final FET, or not. One step at a time.

I hear you.....I have a FET booked for tomorrow. This will be our third transfer . I've had 5 mc 2 ruptured ectopics - nearly died twice - lost both tubes and I just feel so angry and above all tired. I'm not excited about tomorrow - I don't feel anything? I feel resentful that I'm going to spend the next week obsessing over whether it's worked. If it hasn't it will put a downer on Xmas and if it does I'll spend the next few months stressing over miscarriage (we are transferring a PGS tested mosaic so chance of miscarriage high)

I'm 99% done - but that 1% means we ll probably go again for another round. I'm lucky in that DH is pretty silent about it all. He just seems to go along with whatever I decide - I guess it's because it's me and my body that has had to go through it all.

I don't have much advice really - infertility and IVF is such a personal experience only you can know when you're ready to stop but you shouldn't let your DH dictate round after round - he isn't the one taking injections and putting pessaries into unmentionable places.
The good thing is that you have embryos banked - transfers are less "hard" in many ways as if you do non medicated transfers then you take no medication. Have you don't a transfer yet? Seems a waste to stop now that you've got to this point to at least try a transfer x

If it helps at all, I found FET the least invasive, no needles and the whole procedure takes a day. I found the most stressful was trying naturally, but everyone is different. After 1,5 years of IVF failures I decided to go to a counselor and find it useful to talk about everything I feel. IVF sucks sorry to hear you feel so stressed.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted l hope it all went well for you

Yeah lm incredibly resentful so l can relate to that. I’m sick of all the effort and sacrifices with no return. So l don’t want to invest anything else and just move on with my life

@Viletta lm sick of the drugs and injections. I have ended up with a hole in my stomach from a nasty clexane injection. I’m sure it will heal in time but it looks nasty at the moment

We have been going to a counsellor but lm sick of that as well. E.g. in less than 24 hours of us finishing a session, my OH dropped of the face of the earth for 14 hours at work. Despite the fact he knew l felt ill and had an important clinic appointment. He basically threw the whole counselling thing back in my face and opted out. But lm never allowed to opt out!!

It’s normal for IVF to take a toll on relationships. We (the females) are the ones who bear the brunt, and men process things differently. Not good if he’s refused to continue counselling though. Sounds like you need a good heart to heart about what you both want and what you’re both prepared to do (and not do) to get there as a team.

I know it won’t help you but you’re not alone. I feel totally despondent at the moment too.

@Youngatheart00 it’s me who is refusing the counselling. It was probably confusing the way l wrote it -l meant he talks a good game in counselling. Then the following goes back to doing his own sweet thing. Whether that’s going off the radar for 14 hours at a time, showing zero interest when l felt unwell etc. I don’t want to and lm not prepared to do anything. He wants the whole transfers, explore adoption etc etc

Thinking of you. I can totally relate to the despondency 😔

Ah - sorry for misinterpreting. I can see why that is frustrating for you. Maybe feels like he is putting on a show for the counselling but doesn’t practice what he preaches?

Would you be happier with the chance to make a new life plan and commit to it? With a FET you could always revisit in 6-12 months, on your terms, if you did have a change of heart.

@EL8888 we struggled as well when going through this.. but it was the other way around, DH said he is fed up with it and we should get on with our lives, this was after our first failed attempt and I was not ready to give up. We had a couple of serious talks about our future and he eventually changed his mind. I wouldn't say he is as supportive as he could have been, and I do think will he help me much when we actually have a baby. IVF has a tall on relationship like nothing else. It sounds like you are angry with your OH and need more attention from him too. What do you think he'll do when you tell him you definitely want to move on? Good luck! I hope you manage the crisis.

Another one here whose DH has not been fab through the IVF stuff, so you are not alone there. My DH is great about most other stuff but he has really just failed to relate to the process or how tough it is emotionally, and he found my obsessive googling and thirst for knowledge from all sources (MN in particular!) quite tiresome. We also had at least a factor of MFI, which I think was a real shock for him, particularly because it vindicated the fact that I had been asking him to go and get checked out for a year by that point (grrrr). If this round ends up not working I think I will feel exactly how you do at this moment. No wise words, just empathise with how you are feeling. X