Don’t give up

[MrsVdV]

Just wanted to share a short encouragement to everyone trying to get pregnant, not to give up. I know I know, you’ve heard it all... the “it will happen when you least expect it”... (as if there’s ever a time you “least expect it”... come on, we all know that when you are desperate to get a baby, there will not be many months when you “least expect it”. You’ll be trying at every given opportunity and expect positive news everytime.

We have an 8 year old who was conceived after just a month of trying. From when she was 2/3 years old, we started trying for a second one and ofcourse assumed it’d be as easy as the first time, but we couldn’t fall pregnant again.

2 years later, a check revealed a blocked left side tube on my part and some mobility issues on my husband’s side. 2 rounds of iui later and a lot of stress and crying and arguing, I decided to give up. I appreciated what God had given me already and just tried my hardest not to think about it. We didn’t stop being active sexually, we just stopped “thinking” about it.
About 9/10 months after, we got pregnant again Naturally.
I am due anytime now with another baby girl.

I read so many encouraging stories about couples in similar positions and they always uplifted me from some dark places. I want to pray and encourage everyone that through the tears and all the stress, something positive can always happen. It’s just the timing, which is always the best timing, no matter how long you wait.
x

I appreciate that you mean this post kindly, but I have to say that "don't give up" is a sentiment that I don't think is particularly helpful for those experiencing infertility, and for me it very much is in the same category as "it will happen..." type sentiments.

I am delighted that you've been able to conceive after experiencing secondary infertility. That's lovely, and I'm sure the experience was very stressful. Your story may well be inspiring for people in similar situations. Congratulations to your family!

But. There are some people whose diagnoses require massively more intervention than yours - who can't possibly ever get pregnant 'without thinking about it'. In some cases, without paying many thousands of pounds for a single attempt at conceiving. There are some people for whom multiple such attempts don't work, over and over, or who have loss after loss. There are some people for whom the odds of such attempts ever working are incredibly unlikely, and who may - very reasonably - take the decision that treatment is not for them.

And so some people are going to come to a point where they decide to 'give up', or think about doing so. I put that in inverted commas because culturally, we view 'giving up' as such a negative thing, as a failure. When people are at that point, there are often such strong emotions associated with it. It's incredibly difficult. But for some people, some of the time, it's going to be the right choice for them. So, to anyone in that position, I do want to say it's okay, and I see you, and I wish you well also.

Excellent post @Persipan

@Persipan I’m really sorry if that got over as abit insensitive. I meant it in the most encouraging way but I fully get the point you are trying to make. Actually I think I’ve been abit contradictory in my post because I did have to give up at some point... until a miracle happened... so ofcourse, it’s perfectly ok to make that decision to give up.

The point I was trying to make is even after you’ve made the decision to “give up”, there can be hope... because I do believe in unexplainable miracles...

I do fully grasp the fact that others pay thousands in more evasive fertility treatments. Each infertility journey is different but had a common factor of that sheer despair and sadness, whether one goes through less treatment or not...

I really want to wish you and everyone here the very best.

I have a remark on this. Everybody is different and everybody will approach and feel differently when it comes to the struggles of infertility. Even if somebody has gone through objectively 'more' (more failures, more money spent, more invasive procedures, etc..) does not mean has suffered 'more' (as there is no such thing).

To give an analogy - a person with severe depression but better life conditions might struggle more than somebody with worse life conditions but without depression. If you only judge the life conditions, you might get it he wrong way round.

This is to say that if this post was made by somebody at their 10th IVF cycle, probably they would not have received these answers - because their 'struggle' would have been deemed worthy (or worthier) and their result more inspirational.

On the other hand, in this particular case, I also recognise that miracle babies and not there for everybody (unfortunately) and people tend to be very sensitive about stories like "I conceived just before starting ivf" because they know that can not happen to them and can not identify in that scenario.

Overall, I think the remark from Persipan is correct in this scenario. However, I wanted for everybody to reflect that comparing struggles should not be a welcome practice.

This is to say that if this post was made by somebody at their 10th IVF cycle, probably they would not have received these answers - because their 'struggle' would have been deemed worthy (or worthier) and their result more inspirational.

I don’t agree because what’s fundamentally wrong with the op’s post is this...

The point I was trying to make is even after you’ve made the decision to “give up”, there can be hope... because I do believe in unexplainable miracles...

Hope is an absolute killer. If you’re still hoping, you haven’t given up. When we’ve tried to take a break and not actively try for the sake of our relationship, I’ve had to go back on the pill or you’ve still got the crushing disappointment of your period arriving every month. I sometimes wish somebody would tell me I need a hysterectomy so that this nightmare would be over. “Giving up” or better “accepting when it’s the right time to move on” is a totally valid choice.

It’s good things have worked out for you op and I’m sure you meant this post to be helpful but it really isn’t.

Ah - got it now. Didn't consider the 'hope' factor. Thought it was about the length some people have to go through compared to miracle babies. My bad.

OP, this post is ill-advised. It won’t be received well.

If you look up what people going through infertility find really unhelpful, this type of story is up there.

Congratulations on your pregnancy though OP, a long-awaited bundle of joy for sure xx

@MrsVdV this is a kind post, thank you for sharing! Its nice to see a positive story after being on these boards for a while. I think your story is true for many. I lose count of the amount of stories I've heard of people who fell pregnant while waiting for ivf, when they thought all hope was lost etc.

I do think stories like this can give false hope however and for those who do need intervention it is hard to hear. I ended up waiting almost 3 years to start ivf when I could have had much sooner, just on the basis my dh in particular was convinced it would happen naturally and when least expected, and by focusing less on it, it would of course happen naturally. He told me miracle story after miracle story. I knew it wouldn't happen for us after 3 years. It didn't. We finally acknowledged something was wrong (discovered I have medical issues which affect ability to conceive naturally) had ivf, and thankfully I am now pregnant. If we had waited until I least expected it we would have been waiting forever i suspect.

Ill advised? Abit surprised at some reactions, but I appreciate the sensitivity on this issue. This was meant to be a positive post of encouragement in general and not in any way comparing who goes through what, when etc. In some cases hope comes in real pregnancy stories through eventual surrogacy or even adoption stories... either way the message of hope should not be seen as insensitivity...

Super sorry if this came out the wrong way to you guys. Really am. I wish everyone all the very best outcome in this journey.

Op congrats on your baby and being able to complete your family.

I just wanted to say though, as its a bit of a bug bear of mine, sadly lots of people's infertility is categoric.
No sperm, no tubes, no eggs due to prem ovarian failure etc.
This means that no amount of trying naturally will ever work.
Hence no 'giving up and it'll happen' can ever be part of our lives.
I do feel quite passionate about educating the wider public about the reality of many peoples infertility.

My DP has zero sperm. Therefore we will never have that natural miracle. Another friend of mine was born without a uterus.

After giving birth 2 my son on my 7th round of donor ivf I was advised numerous times by midwives to 'think about contraception'
I have 2 say the look of confusion on their faces when I told them the reality of our infertility was startling. One even suggested that if we were only having 1 child why not ask my DP to have a vasectomy LOL!!!!
It blows my mind just how much most people take fertility for granted.

Anyways I'll be off my soap box now.
Best wishes
Xx

I agree @chocolategateaux I think it also pushes it back on us that it’s ‘not working’ . The ‘when I stopped thinking about it it happened’ school of thought I’d the same as saying ‘oh well you’re thinking about it so no wonder it hasn’t happened’. It’s hard to not think about. It’s hard to stop trying and if there is a real issue ‘ it’ll happen when you least expect it’ is not helpful. As it won’t!!!

What’s good about here is most people understand that as there are more than enough people in the wider world who trot those types of things out while not understanding the reality of a couples situation.

When I was TTC (have now adopted) I did find these kind of stories unhelpful. I'm so glad you got your miracle OP but I think it's actually okay to give up. Infertility can take over your life and I do think you teach a point where you just want that life back. The constant cycle of hope and despair every month nearly killed me. Hope is powerful but sometimes not in the right way.