BFP - going crazy

[Lalla525]

Hi all. I just came out of a fresh cycle of IVF and looks like I'm pregnant (5w2d). Unfotunately, I realised that I was not strong enough to go through it and this cycle really hit me badly. The journey was so draining that I'm struggling to enjoy the pregnancy and I'm so scared it will end up in miscarriage (hence needing to go through it all over again) that i have done over 50 tests of different brands and still test 2/3 times a day. I have done 2 blood tests and I have another on friday. If a test comes slightly lighter then the previous one, I freak out and cry and yell at everybody. Reality is, if I am not strong enough to deal with a cycle of ivf, I doubt I could deal with a miscarriage.

I have an incredibly demanding job and need to keep all inside there, hence I will take it out on my OH and my mum, who came here to stay during this difficult time.

I know that there are many worrying steps ahead (6 weeks scan, 12 and 20 week scan, etc..) and a lot of time in between during which I might easily go nuts.

Do you have any advice and have you experienced something similar? If so, how did you manage to keep sane? I feel I'm losing it and being drained from ivf surely does not help.

Oh, sweetheart. Please allow me to give you a great big virtual hug.

I strongly, strongly recommend that you stop doing home pregnancy tests - or at the very least, drop back to doing no more than one or two a week, and stop comparing the relative darkness of the lines. There isn't any real information to be had, here; it's not helping you and it's just freaking you out. I have absolutely done the exact same thing, and when I had a miscarriage it didn't make a blind bit of difference how many sticks I weed on, and this time, when things have (to my astonishment) kept going (I'm now nearly 18 weeks) it didn't actually reassure me appreciably. I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on tests, and once spilled a beaker full of urine on my pants!

It's totally OK to be feeling all over the place. It's totally OK not to be enjoying this right now - it's scary! Your partner and your mum love you and are there for you. How you're reacting isn't a sign of a lack of 'strength'; this is not something you can power away through some sort of inner composure. Take care of yourself through each day, and don't beat yourself up for having emotions.

What is helpful for you at the moment? Is there anything that would lighten the load in any part of your life to make things a bit more manageable?

Do your clinic offer counselling? (Most do.) It might be helpful to talk these feelings through with someone, so maybe explore that as an option.

I wish you the very best. I wish you the most boring and uneventful pregnancy ever. Take care, and best of luck.

I would suggest you go to the GP and get signed off for a few weeks.
I have a full on job and an ivf baby and my consultant signed me off until my 7 week scan.
congratulations!

As a counterpoint to the idea of being signed off, if you find work a helpful distraction then you may actually prefer to be there, though? Different people will respond differently, so it's a very personal thing as too whether this is something you'd want to do. But definitely worth considering!

Thank you all for the kind words and advice - you have jo idea how much it has helped already to hear that my feelings are not to be dismissed. Unfortunately, I'm worried about getting signed off work. Very competitive industry - only woman in the team. I think managers could be supportive to a point, but I might need time off if things go badly, as I don't think I'll be able to pull myself back together.

I also feel I'm extremely selfish. There are women at their 6th cycle and counting. There are parents with sick children and I'm making all this drama when things are going by the book.

Had some spotting on saturday and they upped my cyclogest from 2 to 3 times a day. Since then my paranoia has gotten much worse and now is on the verge of unbearable (e.g. is cyclogest masking a miscarriage?).

Reality is - I was clearly not ready for all this emotional rollercoaster. And now looks like my mental health is at significant risk.

Thanks for all your lovely answers - made a big difference.

Pregnancy after ivf is hard imo. You've built up this defence / narrative that it'll never happen and so can't allow yourself to think it will. Personally I found lots of walks with the dog and forcing myself to imagine a future with a beautiful baby helped to try and override all the negative thoughts.
I spotted loads until 14 weeks after fet it drove me absolutely crazy. Not using the plastic applicator for the pessaries helped a lot - sensitive cervix or something.
It gets easier after each pregnancy "milestone" so take each one as it comes and don't be afraid to contact ivf clinic / midwife as relevant whenever you need to. To be honest I think DD was about 1 before I really started to relax Also wishing you a highly boring pregnancy. And congratulations!

Oh i forgot to say I also had a demanding job in financial services. I elected to tell my boss (no-one else) at 6 weeks as I felt that additional support was needed. Something to think about.

Are you using cyclogest vaginally? If so, it can irritate your cervix and cause some spotting. (Even if you aren't, some spotting is not unusual or necessarily a concern - I had some at around that time, this time around, and it wasn't a problem. But it was definitely scary.)

There’s a great podcast called BFN and they did a special episode on pregnancy after infertility. Look it up on ITunes, it might be helpful to listen to and know you’re not alone. Best of luck

Definitely stop testing as they will become less reliable as pregnancy progresses as high hcg can actually start to make a test look lighter

If your worried between now and the first scan I would have blood tests every other day to check hcg levels rising - more reliable than the cheap test strips

I don't think anyone is ever really ready for how ivf will make them feel - I work in a male dominated industry too so definitely wouldn't advise getting signed off this early unless absolutely necessary

Thanks all - really really helpful to read all your comments.

I take the pessaries rectally because it feels like they stick better there, so that's not the cause of the spotting.

Mindfulness, perhaps? Meditation/yoga/exercise?
Allowing yourself twenty minutes a day to obsess about it and banning it from your thoughts at all other times?
Personally I found wilfully believing that what will be will be was very helpful at this stage. If it's meant to stick, it will. If it isn't there's nothing to be done about it, but worrying won't help either way.

Pregnancy causes a stupid amount of hormones to course through your body anyway- it makes you very irrational. I cringe at some of the things I did and said when pregnant- it's as bad as being a teenager again at times! Also it affects different people in different ways so don't compare yourself to other pregnant people and how you think they are doing.

I might actually try mindfulness. I have an app called headspace which is sponsored by my workplace, so might give it a go.

Indeed I'm being quite horrible with everybody. My mum tolerates me slightly better but my OH is literally devastated and not sure how much more of this he can take.

Maybe meditation will indeed help.

Aside from the testing I could have written your post 2 weeks ago. It’s been an incredibly anxious time. I found the actual treatment/cycle quite straightforward but nothing prepared me for the feeling afterwards. I’ve always thought of myself as strong mentally but I now realise that we all have vulnerability. You have so many hormones rushing around your body at the moment that your emotions are amplified.

Speak to your clinic and be honest with them. You will certainly not be the first patient to experience these feelings. I had some red spotting and they offered to scan the next day when I was 5+1. There wasn’t much to see but at least I knew I was pregnant and it was in the right place. They were hugely sympathetic and offered to scan me weekly if they was what I needed as reassurance. I had my 6 week scan where I was fortunate to see a heartbeat. I did plan on going again at 7 weeks but I feel a lot stronger now and I’ve booked to go next week instead.

Keep talking about your feelings whether it’s with DH, DM or a counsellor. Everyone needs an outlet. My poor DH has been woken at 3am to chat! His perspective is a lot more rational than mine and it’s kept me calm.

I really hope you find it eases soon. Take each day at a time, get plenty of sleep, stop testing and never ever google!

I completely understand where you’re at - I was like this after my bfp from ivf too. It was a really bad time for my mh, particularly as I couldn’t really explain why I felt so awful to others.

My mw/dr (can’t remember which!) said spotting was normal, especially as I was on a load of progesterone, and only to be concerned/get in touch if there was lots of fresh blood. I had period type cramps as well quite a lot, which terrified me, but was perfectly normal.

My test lines were never particularly bright, although I did have a couple of blood tests to check my hcg was increasing. As soon as I got to 6 weeks I had a private scan, and ended up having a fair few privately as my symptoms would disappear and we were terrified that I’d miscarried one or both babies.

I’d recommend at your booking in apt if not before seeking some counselling. I was traumatised from ivf, but unfortunately slipped through the cracks on getting further mh help, and too ashamed to seek help further because I hated pregnancy.

It’s a ok to hate being pregnant, it’s not always this amazing magical experience. I found walking really helped me and gave me an hour a day of complete calm to think. I also concentrated on each weekly milestone, and towards the end when I was bigger than my house ticked the days off to my elcs!

Thought about booking an early scan tomorrow - I'm just freaking out it might show nothing given that I'm only 5 weeks and that might increase my stress level.

Any advice on an early scan?

A scan won’t show you much until 6 weeks plus.

I get this - I did Ivf too and when it worked I couldn’t believe it. I did a lot of peeing on sticks- and googling if the lines were lighter. Step away from the tests- they won’t help!

I also had a lot of extra scans - 7 weeks; 10 weeks; 12 weeks; 16 weeks- you get the picture! I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy and spent the whole time fretting about the next milestone. I also did a massive amount of knicker checking as I had a lot of spotting in the first trimester including a big red bleed at 8 weeks when I was in the Maldives and could do absolutely nothing about it expect pray it was ok. It was.

The scans were helpful but of course it’s expensive - could be worth it if it helps your mental health though.

It’s very scary especially when you know what can go wrong- but the fact is you can do nothing either way except hope that things will be ok. It’s so Much harder when you’ve struggled to get pregnant in the first place (not that this takes away from anyone else having a miscarriage of course).

Fingers crossed for you.

DONT. Book a scan this early you'll just panic more - they wouldn't be able to see anything at 5 weeks - earliest heartbeat can be seen is 6 weeks and that depends on hcg level (need over 10,000 as a minimum for a heartbeat)

I would track hcg instead - once your levels are over 1500 then a sac should be seen

Use clearblue digitals with weeks to infirm you're moving up the levels from 1-2wks 2-3 weeks and 3+

Don't get an early scan it'll likely show nothing and just stress you out even more, even the early scan the clinic do can sometimes be inconclusive. Put the pregnancy tests away they tell you nothing you don't already know at this stage. I had successful IVF last year and understand your anxiety mine did ease off as I got further along especially after about 20 weeks when I could feel movement and at about 28 weeks when if the baby had of been born it would have had a good chance of survival. Just take each day as it comes and tell yourself today you are pregnant and you'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. I also had some spotting but was advised it was likely just the embryo bedding in and getting comfy and as the placenta develops and beds in this can also cause a little spotting. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

Thanks all - much more supportive than my mum and my OH lol.

Checked my hcg on tuesday and they were 2219. I will check them tomorrow ad well.

Re scan: probably sensible to wait. Never been got at it though.

Thanks all again for how supportive you're being- made a world of difference to me.

To add to the voice of others- do NOT get a scan this early. Search the pregnancy board for threads on the theme of 'no heartbeat at six weeks'- loads of women fretting unnecessarily for a week or two. I personally wouldn't have one any earlier than eight weeks.