How do you cope with other babies?

[Ilovewheelychairs]

Hi,

So my partner and I have been ttc with no success. All bloods and SA have come back okay so we've been told it's 'unexplained infertility' and I have been told to lose weight so we are eligible for IVF.

However, my brother and his gf had a baby in July. They didn't really want children but she had just turned 40 so decided they'd better give it a try. She got pregnant first month. Told us how inconvenient her being pregnant was because she was so busy at work and her due date coincided with something she didn't want to miss. Told my parents at 8 weeks that if she miscarried she wouldn't bother trying again as she'd tried once and that was enough. Huge dramatics throughout the 9 months over what was, a very easy and simple pregnancy. Birth was equally drama filled with many texts stating things like 'your grandchild will be here soon even if they have to cut him out of me'. He's here now and is very cute etc and they are enjoying having him.

But I am finding this SO hard to deal with. In my head they didn't even really want a child and yet were blessed with one immediately. I'm sent photos all the time from my parents and from them even though I've told them it upsets me and I would rather they didn't. I've got a family meal coming up next week and know it's all going to be spent fawning over the new grandchild and I'm going to be expected to join in even though my period is due that day and I'll be facing yet another month where I'm accepting I won't be a Mum.

I know I sound bitter and twisted and insanely jealous, and that's because I am! The only thing I have ever wanted is to be a Mum and it's killing me to have someone so close to me not be bothered about it and just get what I want so badly immediately and without thinking. How do people cope with this? How can I stop feeling so horrible towards my nephew and so bitter that my parents want to spend time with him and my brother/SIL? Am I just an awful person for feeling this way?

Hi
You are not a bad person at all for feeling this way. Life is unfair and feelings of jealousy are natural. I’m currently going through ivf and felt the same about two recent pregnancy announcements including my sister’s- neither of which were delivered with much sensitivity. It doesn’t always work but the only thing I find helps is remembering that we are all on our own journey and whether they conceived or not has no bearing on my situation.

Do they know you are having troubling conceiving?

I’ve feel exactly the same!
Your feelings are very normal but hard for people who have t been through infertility to understand.
Don’t feel like you have to go to anything you don’t want to either!. Sometimes a little distance is ok and your looking out for yourself.
Really sorry you feel so shit about it but as I said it’s so normal to feel this way. I also think it’s insensitive to keep sending photos but it might be just her way of not leaving you out in a way.
I’m assuming your parents know about your struggle to concieve too?
The only way I deal with it is I go to family event/meals when I feel like I can cope, if I can’t I don’t go and I don’t give myself a hard time for it and neither should you xx

With all due respect you probably don’t have the full picture of your brother / sil ttc journey. I never went into any detail about my fertility problems with my family and would always say I am focussing on work, to the point that when I turned 37 mum had a real go at me. The truth was we were ttc for 5 years at this point. During that time 7 of my neices and nephews were born and the only thing that helped me was down playing and even joking about my lack of kids while spoiling my siblings’ kids rotten.

Now I’m pregnant I complain about every little thing even though it is a straight forward (relatively) pregnancy as I’m convinced something will go wrong and I won’t go home with the baby.

Brother and sister in law know we're struggling yes; as do my parents. I get sent lots of helpful suggestions like 'have you tried tracking your cycles?' And 'have you tried using an app?' which winds me up too, because of course we have!!

Brother and sister in law were very open with us; they openly told us they didn't want children particularly but had decided just to have a go and were surprised when they got pregnant first month. Considering they never plan anything more than an hour in advance I have no reason to disbelieve them; believe me we'd have heard all
about it if they had been struggling! SIL sends texts like 'I'm sure it will happen for you soon, after all I'm 40 and got pregnant first time! So it can't be that you're too old!' (I'm 35) She has always shared her views about how she didn't believe her body should have to go through childbirth, and she'd hate to be tied down by something like a child. Even now she's upset because having a baby is preventing her do all the work she wants to do!

Anyway, I just need to take a few deep breaths and get on with it I think. The world doesn't stop turning for everyone else just because I can't get pregnant. I shall try and swallow the jealousy and just have as little contact with them as possible I think.

Thanks for all your kind words too. Time to take a deep breath and be an adult I guess!

@GrumpyHoonMain has actually got a point, we’ve kept out infertility a secret and only told my mom. Everyone else thinks I just don’t want any children yet and I have to make out like I’m not a baby person at all. So can agree with that.

But tbh now I’ve read your reply your sil just sounds like a massive twat!

Best thing is to just try and focus on yourself and keep anything else going on between you I mean as in if you have ivf, the added pressure of everyone’s advice or asking if it’s worked will make it harder I think.
I think your parents sound like they just want to help and probably don’t know what to say.
Good luck to though op I know how hard it is I’m exactly where you are now and the jealousy is ridiculous! I’m a different person to who I was before ttc. 😐

It's shit and the way you are feeling is natural. They are being insensitive if they know that you're struggling to conceive. It's natural the baby will be the focus of everyone's attention for a while and it's just a case of having to suck that up and grin and bear it.

Re the (un)helpful advice, say to them straight that you want them to stop sending you and telling you stuff because you have been living it for months/years and although they mean well it's fucking annoying. Tell them that Obviously you have researched / read / tried as many things as possible to help you conceive but just because it happened easy for them, it's not that straight forward for everyone... if it was you have a fucking baby by now!! That should shut them up for a bit!

It's shit op. I've been there and it's horrible. I had a very good friend who knew I was struggling to conceive send me a text message saying "had a little accident... pregnant!" It was her 3rd baby. I barely see her now as I couldn't believe how insensitive she was in the way she delivered her news. Some people are just thoughtless twats. Xx

It must be terribly hard OP. We struggled and were lucky at the end. However I don’t agree with this Huge dramatics throughout the 9 months over what was, a very easy and simple pregnancy. Birth was equally drama filled with many texts stating things like 'your grandchild will be here soon even if they have to cut him out of me'.
Some pregnancies might seem “easy” from the outside and some labours can be really challenging.

So, whilst I understand it is upsetting, you don’t really know how she really felt.

I find people don’t realise how insensitive they are being. My DSIS got pregnant her first month of trying. Told the entire family except me & DH as we were late to a family get together. She knew we were struggling to conceive and seeing fertility doctors. They announced the news to us in front of 12 family members at a family meal all of whom knew and were staring at us for our reaction. Luckily we managed to keep it together and we paid for their meal. The next day I am ashamed to say I went into some kind of black fog and was so mean to my DSIS basically ignoring me. She kept buying me alcohol and saying she’d treat me as she couldn’t have any. It stung. We’re very close so there was no malice in her just didn’t realise what she was doing.. the next day I pulled myself together. Apologised for my behavior and sent her lots of pregnant gifts in the post. I’m so glad I did as she ended up losing her baby at 20 weeks. I still regret how I acted that day and I will forever.

Now when I am around babies or pregnancy announcements I just try take it on the chin as you never know what is coming down the road for anyone or what their journey has been.

I'm so sorry. We are in exactly the same situation, except after 7 years of unexplained infertility and losses, I did get the family I wanted and now my sibling has had four years of IVF (there is zero chance of natural conception) and is really struggling.

My parents never had any issues and don't understand. They are delighted to be grandparents and are very involved in my DC's lives.

Luckily, my sibling and I are close and we do talk to each other, but I know that it is incredibly hard for my sibling.
I equally feel awful that I did get my dream and there is nothing I can do to ease this pain for them.

I do try to visit for a night when I can, just us, with all talk of children banned. So we can be just us. We both appreciate this, and I hope it makes family get togethers easier.

Of course your parents are delighted but your family are being incredibly insensitive. YANBU. sending you big hugs x

Over the many (8) years we were TTC, I had to deal with multiple pregnancies and births from friends and family. I gave up trying to put a brave face on it, and ended up distancing myself from anyone or anything that I felt I couldn't cope with. I lost some friends because of this, but those that did "stick" around were those that were worth having, and I have to this day.

IF sucks! There is no right way or wrong way to deal with the emotional consequences of it, and sometimes you just have to do whatever you need to keep going, be that surrounding yourself with children, or avoiding them completely. Be kind to yourself.

I truly, truly hope that you eventually get your longed-for child.

Been trying for almost six years on and off had a couple of early miscarriages but nothing has made it past 12 weeks. Need to lose weight before can go any further as it’s made me very depressed the last few years and I’ve not coped well with my diet as a result.

I mute or unfollow people on social media as I find it’s the best way to cope for me, I know it’s selfish but I have to think about my mental health first. What gets me the most is the ones who are going on to have a second or even third child in the same amount of time since we started trying. I do get upset quite often and find it hard to talk about, feel like I’m such a disappointment to my husband and family as though I’m taking potential happiness away from them.

My brother and SIL will be trying before too long and I’m already trying to mentally prepare myself for when that happens 😞

I have a great friend, who is in her 50s. She said in her thirties she wanted a baby, but due to life circumstances it didn't happen. She used to tear up a bit if she went out and saw a baby, feeling that she wanted one herself. Now that those hormones have settled down (the ones that make us desperately want a baby), and she is in her fifties, she doesn't really want to be around babies at all!

I cope by remembering that everything will be ok, no matter what the outcome. We adapt. We change our expectations. I want to have a happy life, baby or no baby. I don't want to depend on anything outside of myself to have a sense of fulfillment in my life. I do it imperfectly, but that is how I get through.

M x

Gumpyhoonmain I should have said, a HUGE congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you're holding your healthy, much longer for, baby in your arms very soon, and all the heartache will be worth it.

Carparkticket, I understand where you come from when you say you don't agree, but SIL really was a complete pain in the arse over the entire pregnancy. The booking in midwife apparently told her she was a geriatric pregnancy. SIL had a complete fit and refused to go to ANY other pregnancy appointment without my brother there- even routine blood tests! Brother ended up getting a written warning from work because he'd taken so much time off! Partly because every time they had a test on the NHS she paid to have it privately as well just in case the NHS got it wrong. My parents were never allowed to ask about how the pregnancy was going; they had to ask about her and how she was, otherwise she refused to reply.

She ended up being induced so I can imagine that was painful and difficult for her. But she refused to go home at any point even though the hospital suggested she went home to get a good nights' sleep when the first pessary had no effect (they leave 5 minutes for the hospital and they'd paid for a private room so there was no real concern about them not getting back in time). She was so rude to two midwives that they refused to tend to her any more! Labours are long and difficult and painful, but she had time to compose a three page long email to my and her parents detailing every step in her labour and how painful and 'out of it' she was; how she knew better than the midwives because she'd told them she shouldn't have been induced even though she was already 41+5 and as she was 40 years old they had already relaxed their protocol for her as that trust says she shouldn't go over 40 weeks.

Anyway, it is what it is, and I can accept that maybe I am being unreasonable about how she felt in the labour.

I'm so sorry to all of you who are going through the same process and the same pain. I never ever thought I would struggle to conceive and I equally can't imagine my life going forward without children in it. Sending love to you all, and congratulations to all who've had your happy ending.

Your SIL sounds like a dick, lm confused about why your brother indulges her. It’s been an experience for me how tactless and thoughtless people can be about fertility issues 😔

Your sil sounds like a knob 🙄

I'm so sorry you're struggling, it hurts when you want something so badly that others have so easily and take for granted!

Sending you a big hug 💐

For what it's worth, in my opinion people should be allowed to have their feelings - pregnant or otherwise. You're not a bad person for feeling upset, but your SIL shouldn't hold back on expressing her feelings just because it might upset you. Maybe it was inconvenient and difficult for her. Friends and family members are not always conscious of what triggers us, and they can't anticipate our triggered state. Be as generous as you can - be happy for others because you would want them to be happy for you. That's probably not a popular opinion, but there it is. With a little effort and time, you can change your outlook, and fall in love with your nephew, and be for that part of your family. Just because we can't conceive...it doesn't mean the rest of the world stops turning, and other people have to stop having their moan.
Much love and respect
M x

I feel your pain, can you have code word with your oh for when it’s getting bit much and an escape plan or friends that could ring you with a “crisis”that could be your excuse to leave or just step outside for breather/ phone call. sometimes just having that plan means you don’t need it

Sorry your SIL is so difficult Wheely.
I would for now and as long as it takes just not put yourself in situations that will cause you additional pain. Sometimes you need to protect your own mental health above putting on a brave face in front of others, especially when it appears they have no tact.

Maggie - You're not a bad person for feeling upset, but your SIL shouldn't hold back on expressing her feelings just because it might upset you. Maybe it was inconvenient and difficult for her. Friends and family members are not always conscious of what triggers us

You're right OP is not a bad person and SIL can express her feelings but not to OP, she can rely on others in her support network for moaning about pregnancy instead of choosing to do so to someone who she knows desperately wants to be pregnant. It really isn't a big leap for her to anticipate that this could hurt/trigger OP.
FWIW my family don't know anything about my TTC struggles so I do my happy face for every pregnancy announcement but if I choose to share my troubles I'd like to think they would give me some space in that respect.

@JeNeBaguetteRien
Yes it can be difficult for us, but I think we need to prep ourselves for being triggered, and not expect other people, when they are going through the mill and a tsunami of hormones, to get it right. It sounds like her parents were being more insensitive by not respecting her wishes about the photos. Calling the girl a 'knob' and a 'dick' in previous posts is crass and excessive, and I think how she handled her induction, delivery and birth is her own business. My sister was terrified. That's just my two cents.

Much love and peace
M

...btw I have all the time in the world for everyone here who feels crap and lonely because of infertility - I don't want to sound insensitive, I'm going through it myself. From my own experiences, it can be easy to project, blame and get angry at other people when we are struggling. Maybe she could have kept her mouth shut, but give the girl a break, she was pregnant and it doesn't sound like she was thrilled about it.
My great friend just had a baby last week and I'm calling up to her next week. Does it hurt, a little at first, but it had nothing to do with her really. My friend deserves the attention, joy and help that she needs - even though she could have been a pain too during the pregnancy! : )
M x

You're right OP is not a bad person and SIL can express her feelings but not to OP

She may well be trying deliberately to emphasise the bad parts of pregnancy and having kids in an attempt not to rub OP's nose in it by gushing about the good.

Huge dramatics throughout the 9 months over what was, a very easy and simple pregnancy.

Mine was easy and simple in comparison with other people's. It was not easy and simple to me. I'm planning to have another at some point and am not looking forward to pregnancy as I do not enjoy it- your sister in law should be able to say the same without being judged for it.

SIL had a complete fit and refused to go to ANY other pregnancy appointment without my brother there- even routine blood tests! Brother ended up getting a written warning from work because he'd taken so much time off! Partly because every time they had a test on the NHS she paid to have it privately as well just in case the NHS got it wrong.

This, to me, speaks of someone suffering from anxiety in pregnancy. She may well have done all her 'if I miscarry, I won't try again' malarky because she was scared of losing the baby, because a pregnancy at forty is statistically more risky and because she was scared of something going wrong and didn't want to celebrate prematurely. Alternatively, maybe she figured at forty she was safe so agreed to TTC to get your brother off her back about it and was really gutted to find herself pregnant.

how she knew better than the midwives because she'd told them she shouldn't have been induced even though she was already 41+5 and as she was 40 years old they had already relaxed their protocol for her as that trust says she shouldn't go over 40 weeks

To be fair to her, lots of women are guilted and coerced into inductions 'just in case' and if this happened to your SIL she has every right to be bitter about it. Inductions are often more painful, longer and can result in a 'cascade of interventions' leading to greater trauma for the mother. Statistically, most babies will be fine if allowed to gestate for as long as they naturally will, though it does get more risky the further along you go. Hospitals have no right to force anyone into an induction, so don't say they 'relaxed their protocol' as if they did her a favour by 'allowing' her to go over 40 weeks.

I appreciate that this is hard for you, OP, but I really don't feel that the SIL has deserved the bashing and name-calling she's got on this thread. Women should be allowed to admit that they don't find motherhood easy. Also, it sounds like most of what you know you've heard from your parents rather than the source- do they perhaps dislike her and enjoy a chance to bend your ear about it?