Anyone else struggling with secondary infertility?

[waitingforarainbow]

We started TTC#2 last July and soon discovered we were facing secondary infertility (male factor). By some miracle, we conceived after 13 months, but lost that baby at 6 weeks - my third miscarriage (I had two before my DC).

Is anyone else in a similar boat? I know I'm so lucky to have my DC but it doesn't take away the longing for a second child, and I would love to give my DC a sink

FFS, I have no desire to give my DC a sink - I meant a sibling but something went weird and it sent too soon!

Anyway...

I'm really struggling as I feel like I'm completely obsessing over the age gap getting bigger and bigger now. Every time I see a family in the street, I'm analysing age gaps and getting so jealous and angry. I hate how all-consuming this is, and how it's overshadowing the joy I already have in my life. It's just so hard when the family you always dreamed of is no longer a possibility. x

yes we are secondary infertility too. I totally get your desperation around the age gap! we have a 6 year old (conceived easily!) we have been trying for no.2 for 4 years now.

initially I was obsessed with keeping the age gap small, but I've had to let it go as it's not meant to be.

I'm having a laparoscopy on the 16th, then we might go ahead with IVF depending on the findings.

We are struggling with secondary infertility too. Our son just turned 9 a few days ago. We started trying for another baby when he was 5 years old, so it's been 4 years now 😭

I had an ectopic (awful emergency one) in 2017 where I lost my right tube, so it's not helping only having one tube.

I've now been diagnosed with possible PCOS and I've been on Metformin for about 2 cycles. Next cycle I'm starting on Letrozole (Femara) since my last blood test confirmed no ovulation occurred ☹️

I'm getting really fed up with all of this...

Me too
I always wanted 3 kids with 2 years between them all - but my plans/hopes /dreams have gone to shit! DC will be 4 next year....

Been TTC nr 2 for over 2 years now and have had 5 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics and now permanently infertile....had 2 failed IVF transfers from first cycle and now waiting for PGS results fell second cycle but I'm not hopeful

I'm almost ready to give up now and move on and make the best possible life for DC1. DC is starting to ask about siblings now and it really upsets me especially as they are too young to understand that we really have given it our all - emotionally, physically and financially not to mention 2 life threatening ambulance trips for my ectopics when they ruptured

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted
Oh god, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that 😢

Two ectopics are my biggest fear. If I fall pregnant again I'll be going mental until I have my early scan.

My son has also been asking for a sibling for a while. He started crying not that long ago when he was talking about it and that absolutely breaks my heart.

Thanks @beibikeiks
I naively thought IVF would reduce my risk but actually my second ectopic could have been from the transfer (I was also trying naturally so will never know for sure)

I'm just so bloody tired of it all and feel bad that DC hasn't had a decent holiday in the last couple of years and that mummy always seems to be recovering from either a miscarriage an ectopic or IVF! DC asked the other day if we could go to the shop to buy a baby brother/sister - I wish it was that easy!

I never thought I'd give up our dream of having another baby but actually in the last couple of weeks I've started to come to terms with it all and don't get so upset about being a family of 3 - I know we are incredibly lucky to have DC1 x

Yes I also have secondary infertility. Conceived dd fairly easily in a previous relationship and started ttc in April 2015. I have actually just had ivf and am very very very newly pregnant after our first round, but I completely understand how you feel. And then you feel guilty, because you already have a child, why isn't one enough? I think secondary infertility is very complex in the way it makes you feel

Oh and I was pretty chilled about being pregnant first time, I'm absolutely terrified of a miscarriage this time as it was so hard to get to this point

I had exactly the same. Conceived straight away at 37. Then started TTC#2 at 38, 6 months after my sons birth. I honestly thought we were super fertile 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. I remember running to Tesco to get a test convinced I would be pregnant. The reality was that I was still breast feeding, my cycles were all over the place and I was old!!!

Over the next two and a half years I lost three pregnancies. I also used to stare at families in the street, analysing age gaps. I was a shell of a person, would cry at the drop of a hat, then finally conceived DC2 a couple of months after my 40th birthday. He was a total miracle.

I wish I could say my broodiness ended there and I felt our family was complete. Sadly I desperately wanted one more. I got pregnant when I was 42 but found the baby had Edwards Syndrome in the second trimester. It was devastating. I’m probably still not over it two years later. We still TTC but have only managed to have a chemical in the two years since.

TTC has to be the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and my heart goes out to everyone struggling. Bad, bad times.

That’s tough to go through sheshootaheimplores,my heart goes out to you, of course you are not over it.

I’m another suffering secondary infertility. We have a 5 year old and have been trying for over 3 years for no.2, I’m 40, got pregnant on first try with our dd, presumed the same would happen with no.2. Have tried IVF earlier this year with no luck.

Am gutted for my daughter that she will have no siblings, I had 3 and am still close with them. I get upset thinking of when myself and OH are gone, who will be there for her, it’s cuts me deep.

I know we are so lucky to have her as she is amazing, full of life and I try to look at all the positives but it hurts and I assume it will always hurt.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories, everyone. So sorry to hear so many others have been going through such an awful time, too. Before I had my DC I probably didn't understand why people couldn't just be happy to have one child, but now I know how strong the urge to have another is, and how much pain it can cause.

Best of luck to everyone that's still TTC, and wishing peace and eventual contentment to those who decide they can't any more. X

So sorry to read all your struggles 😢 I hope it’s ok for me to join in although I don’t yet know whether I have fertility problems.

My husband has retrograde ejaculation. We did IVF a few years ago and were incredibly lucky: 9 embryos, and the first one transferred resulted in our child.

There were quite a few postnatal complications (mostly due to crappy care but the 3rd degree tear didn’t help) and it was a good two years before I was ready to do it all again. I only now properly appreciate how lucky we were first time around!

First frozen embryo didn’t work, 2 didn’t survive being defrosted and tomorrow is the day I can officially call the clinic and tell them the second frozen embryo transfer didn’t work either. We’ve gone from 8 embryos to 4 in a few months and I have no idea whether there’s something preventing them from implanting in me or what.

I know this is NOTHING compared to the pain many of you have been through, and it’s still early days. I’m just sad for the big family I thought we might have (I mean, not 8 or 9! But I thought we’d get a few) and every so often I have to stop myself wondering about the ones we lost (would it have been a boy or a girl? Stupid things like that).

I’m scared now about the remaining 4, and planning how to save up for if we need to do egg collection again.

@csa26 I'm sorry you've had a tough journey too and sorry to hear the most recent transfer is a bfn. That must be hard...obviously you don't expect them all to work, but still. You still have a good number to go though, I'm rooting for you to have another lucky one in there.

We had a similar number of embryos - I had a freeze all on my fresh cycle and we froze 10. The first one defrosted fine and is currently just settling in - im 4w3d. Not sure what the future hilds for the others but we hope to have 2 children from these embryos. I will of course be thrilled with 1, it will be amazing... and it's not that I won't be thankful with just one, but you can't help having a dream about what your family will be and for the vast majority of the population will have the number of children they want - we're not bad people for wanting the family we want just because we already have a child or children.

Joining. I have two lovely DSs so I very very aware of my privilege and if I can't have another one then I'm sure I will adapt in time.
But it still is a real shock to not be able to get pregnant again. Time is not on my side - 39. I had 2 early m/c first, then ds1 after 6months. DS2 was straightforward - 3 months. So I presumed I'd be ok.
But now, one year and nothing. It's such a horrible rollercoaster and I can't talk to anyone about it. I have to make up all these excuses not to go to drinks all the time and have well-meaning people asking me if I want another one and I have to smile and say 'maybe' then go home and try not to cry about it.
It's such limbo land as well.
I'm trying not to get too upset as I know I do already have children and I feel so awful for families who are not able to have children. I guess it's just hitting me now that perhaps it's too late for me. I've been hopeful until I got my period on this cycle and I'm just extremely upset today. It's caught up with me.
I also just posted separately as I'm now discovering NHS do not see infertility as urgent so it's taking a long time to get any tests done - something I don't have the luxury of really, so starting down the barrel of private tests and clinics and whether I'm strong enough to try all that and where the money to do so will come from 😢

@lostlondoner
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling as well 😫
I was also living in the UK (London) and everything took such a long time and no urgency to help me figure anything out that I'm now 4 years into TTC DC2.

My biggest regret is not having gone to a private clinic and gotten some answers sooner, because maybe it's not something super sinister, might just need some medication etc.

I also listened to the doctors after I had my ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me, when they said "The good news is that you conceived so at least we know you can do that" and they told me to try for another whole year before coming back 😢 which we did.... Making it 3 years TTC, so once they finally started doing some tests again it was almost 4 years and then I moved out of the country.

lostlondoner have you thrown loads of supplements at it? I had DS2 at 40 so you’ve still got time. I would get stuck into the supplements though. Me and DP took FertilAid and I was also taking ubiquinol and a good multivitamin. Just do some research on it as I think at this stage the expense would be worth it.

Hi All

We’re in the same boat. Currently finishing off six months of Clomid and then nothing left to do but go private.

I’ve been pregnant 3 times before the age of 36. Have one DD and two miscarriages. But now cannot get pregnant for anything. It’s been two and half years since the last miscarriage and still nothing.

Have people found private gives more answers than NHS? My NHS consultant was appalling, couldn’t care less.

Sorry to hear everyone's sad stories, but thank you for sharing.

@BelleSausage I was so appalled at the 'care' (or complete lack of) from the NHS following my first two miscarriages, that I haven't even considered going to my GP about our infertility issues or third miscarriage. My husband and I have seen a few different private specialists, with varying levels of helpfulness. I know we're very lucky to be in a position to do that, as I'm almost certain a GP would completely dismiss us. Although I suppose you could get lucky and see a helpful GP - it's pot luck. x

I'm the same but had to have ivf for my first child - he's 5 now and we started to TTC on his second birthday.

Since then I've done 4 rounds of ivf: failed, mc, nothing to transfer and failed the last one a few weeks ago 😞

I'm 41 in a few months and struggling to get my head around never having another child, never being pregnant, never having that experience again.

It cuts so deep.

@BelleSausage we have different backgrounds but in terms of the difference between private and nhs...the private clinic were worlds ahead of the nhs. Our nhs consultant (after months of waiting for appointments and tests) basically said "you need ivf. You've got a child so we can't help" more or less word for word. When I asked if there was any chance of conceiving naturally, he laughed and said "No....well, I guess miracles can happen!" Charming.
The private clinic (admittedly we were paying a lot for it, so it's perhaps not unsurprising!) Had much quicker tests, much shorter waits for appointments and were very helpful and upbeat about our chances, but still honest. It was so nice to feel like people were actually interested!

@Namechangerextraordinaire1

My NHS consultant was exactly the same. It was pretty brutal. Am trying to convince DH at the moment to go for private. Thanks for the helpful information. I think he’s just afraid of another drawn out process.

Hi! I hope you don’t mind me commenting your post just brings back so many memories for me.
It took me 2 and a half years to conceive dc2 after secondary infertility, also male factor and although I’m so lucky and grateful to be through it now the time was so soul destroying and I’ve got so much empathy for anyone going through it.
The lack of nhs support, the constant “when are you having another” and every month being distraught about another month age difference. We ended up with just over 5 yeas between ours and I can honestly say it’s great.
Totally anecdotal but dh sperm was awful, we were told privately we wouldn’t do it without icsi but he cleaned up his diet, stopped wearing boxers, stopped cycling, no phone in pocket, and he took fertilaid. No idea if it had any effect but maybe?
As I said I did wonder about posting as I am now in the position I always wanted to be And I don’t want to upset anyone.

@Rowrowboat thanks for sharing your story. Where do you recommend we get fertilaid from?

We got it from amazon on subscribe and save. It’s pricey, it was around £30 a month 2 years ago. As I say I’ve no idea if it/any aspect of what dh did was the factor that helped us conceive.

I just wanted to empathise really. It’s such an exhausting time emotionally.

@Rowrowboat interestingly when dh took condensyl (now called impryl) his count had increased from just under half a million total count to nearly 4.5 mil. So still very low, but a massice improvement. I think if he had lost a bit of weight and been more active it may have increased more too!

We are going to try naturally when we want another, although jumping the gun a bit as I'm still super early pregnant with this ivf pregnancy. We have frosties but can try naturally for a few months for very little money compared to a fet cycle.