waiting to start ivf #3 while my SIL is expecting

[luisana]

Hello ladies! I'm really struggling. With life in general but TTC and ivfs have played a big part in ruining everything. I’m 37, TTC for 2,5 yrs, 2 failed ivf cycles, waiting to start ivf #3. My SIL is expecting. It's killing me. The announcement (face to face) knocked me… I told her it was insensitive and I'd have preferred text etc. I know I was wrong and over reacted, but I just couldn’t hold back my emotions… I'm struggling. I want to be supportive but I feel like I'm being emotionally stabbed all the time. If she talks excitedly about the baby I end up leaving the room. I go to the bathroom to hide and cry. SIL is having a baby shower. I want to go, I really do. I want to be happy for her and support her. We are very close… But this is so hard. I want to be a good sister. I'm really fighting all the time against depression. It's only getting worse. It's heartbreaking to even see her. I feel overwhelming sadness that it's not me who is pg. I'm so sad. I feel bad as she asked me to feel the baby kick and I froze… then left… to hide and cry. I’m so tired!!! Feel like a shit person. I want to be a good sister and aunt but I feel like my heart’s breaking.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Does your sister-in-law have any idea of what you're going through? It doesn't sound like she's being very understanding, even if she does. Self-preservation is important. Don't feel you have to go to the baby shower. I understand you don’t want to be rude, but it’s ok not to go in your situation! Your sister will have other people supporting her. And you can too, but only once you're ready. My sister came over with her DH just as I had a m/c. They simply said “We've got something to show you”. It was a scan photo. My heart was aching. I was broken… I was jealous as hell and really sad. And I was honest. It was awful as I felt I was turning into this bitter horrible person that wasn't really me. Just to reassure you your reaction is normal.

@janettes7 Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry about your mc. What your sister did is awful. I can’t believe she thought it was ok to just show you that scan… This was so insensitive. Why those, who have no problems with fertility, are so rude?
My SIL knows but I don't think she understands how much it has affected me. I also get the impression that my family think IVF is some guaranteed thing(even though both of mine failed). They give me some stupid and weird advice. They are sure we did something wrong and that they know more than our doctor. They don't actually realise it may never work… To be honest, I hate talking about my TTC with the family. They think I overreact. Instead of giving me the support I need they just tell me I do everything wrong. That’s why I feel like I do… Thank you for your kind words. I’m so not ready for her baby shower… I definitely need some time just for myself.

A few months ago my sis announced her pregnancy to everyone, complete with scan pic. Fortunately she had already told me. I had some time to digest the news. But seeing everyone's reactions was like an arrow to the heart… I had to leave the room and by the time I got into the hallway I was crying. It's so painful and most of the time you can hide it, but at times it pokes its painful way through.

We're still several years down the line with no child of our own. I've learned to avoid situations which I find painful, such as baby showers. I'm gently honest about the reasons why, if asked. Not all people understand, but it’s their problem, not mine. If I’m not ready to go, I just don’t. My emotional health is way more important for me. It's very difficult because I can see both sides - your SIL wants you to acknowledge her joy and wants you to be excited for her, but you can't because it's so painful. It's not as simple as jealousy, it's far more complex. Do you feel able to sit down your SIL and explain how you feel? That you're happy for her, but you distance yourself a little because you're finding it hard. It'd be hard to word it in a way which she will understand and not be offended, but I think it's important for you all to be able to at least try to explain. So that she doesn't inadvertently hurt you and vice versa.

Both my SIL's were pregnant whilst we were having ICSI. Firat month of trying for both of them. There were some particularly insensitive comments made from my side of the family. I shut down.

I think what I'd tell myself now is to message them to tell them how genuinely happy I am for them, how much I love them and that I'm looking forward to be a loving auntie BUT that I am pumped full of hormones, exhausted and worried so if they could cut me some slack. Also I got my mum to read about IVF - The Stork Club by Imgoen Edwards Jones I think was quite a good short read to understand the process better.
Wishing you all the best

Please try not to feel guilty for experiencing very natural emotions. Holding scan photos, feeling pregnant tummies and baby showers are all extremely painful things. What you're feeling is normal so try your best to be kind to yourself. It never ceased to amaze me how insensitive people can be. Sometimes even your nearest and dearest. Getting outside for a walk and doing things to inspire your senses was always a welcome relief for me. One regret I have is that I put my life on hold for all these years while waiting for a baby. I realise now it was of no benefit opting out. Maybe consider some counselling for infertility through your gp. Both my husband and I went and found it helpful. Hoping for a happy outcome for you.

Totally agree with regrets about putting your life on hold - we did this for years. Putting off trips away, holidays and all sorts because of 'just in case I'm pregnant' or 'just in case we have a newborn by then'. Looking back it’s hard to accept how much we missed in life. Life does feel less hard work now that we're doing the lovely things that we should've done years ago. I never give up hope. I’m still trying and don’t lose hope. I've adjusted around it so that it's less of a brain drain. Hopefully you'll be able to make peace with things a bit too. It does take time. And also sometimes it’s so hard to say 'I'm struggling to conceive and I don't want your crappy platitudes, just be quiet and respect that I need time away from you right now'. But we should think about us and about our mental health.

I'm in the same boat with one DSis having two gorgeous children and my other DSis expecting in November. We've been trying for over 4 years now with nothing to show except failed treatment cycles. I've cried my heart out at the family pregnancy announcements as they definitely hit the hardest but I wouldn't swap my niece and nephew for the world and just concentrate on doing all the spoiling and being the best auntie I can be. It's bloody hard though. It's so very natural to feel like this and you just have to ride it out and keep trying. You have to keep telling yourself it isn't a zero sum game though - your sis expecting doesn't impact your fertility or infertility. Other people somewhere in the world are expecting babies too - wouldn't you rather your sis had this joy than some random stranger. I'm sure you love her so try to just be pleased she's got what she wanted and hasn't had to suffer like you. Easy said than done tho! Just try and detach yourself whenever baby is talked about - think of it as an objective thing completely unrelated to your heartache.

You’re definitely not alone and shouldn't feel bad or guilty of the way you feel. Infertility has changed me so much. I'm a horrible bitter resentful b*tch. I can't be happy for anyone who announces they’re pregnant. I do my very best to hide it. I was babysitting my nephew today and it's hard though I love him. I was gutted when she announced she's pregnant and will be again when she announces again. I’m sure it’ll happen any time soon. I have no tips I can give you how to cope as I would be a hypocrite cos I know as soon as my brothers 19 year old girlfriend announces she's pregnant with another grandchild for my parents, I'd seriously worry on how I'm going to react or better still when I'm at home alone with my thoughts what I'll do. Take care xx

I’m so sorry. It’s awful / I just started my ivf when my sister announced she was pregnant in an incredibly insensitive way. Then it just seemed to coincide with every awful milestone for me - three months scan on the day I got my bnf, 20 week scan on my birthday etc.

Interestingly I found it much harder to be around pregnant people than babies - I guess babies you can coo over and distract yourself - pregnancy less so.

Fortunately my second ivf round worked but I still feel like my family felt I “overreacted” and weren’t as supportive of me as I hoped. I don’t think anyone knows the pain of infertility unless they’ve been through it.

I hope it works out for you soon x

Your SIL and family in general are behaving really badly here. If you think you can, I would be very frank and honest with them. Say you are delighted for SIL, but nevertheless it really hurts and so you need them to be supportive. Not asking you to feel a baby kick etc is part of that.

If they still don’t understand you need to go into self preservation mode and do all you can to avoid it. It’s really hard, particularly when you like the people involved otherwise, but you need to put yourself first.

I’ve avoided all baby showers, arranged seating plans at family meals so I don’t have to sit next to babies and basically cut off friends with babies as much as I can. I don’t think I’ve held a baby in years.