The only one left

[TooSweetToBeSour]

Posting as I need an outlet and I don’t think friends and family will ever really understand.

I am the last one left.

I started TTC with my ex husband 7 years ago. We tried for 3 years, unexplained infertility, 1 miscarriage, 1 failed round of IVF. Then he left me for a younger coworker.

I’ve been single for 4 years now, I’m 38.

Every single one of my friends now have children, the last one gave birth to her gorgeous boy today.

My siblings all have children now

Every single one of the women I was friends with on a long running MN infertility thread I was part of now have their miracle babies.

My work friends all have children now

I am happy for them all because I love them, and as I kind of gave up on the idea of kids after my divorce I thought I was finally at peace with it but honestly, today I literally feel like my life is basically an empty husk. I’m just here occupying space and wasting time on my own until I die.

Literally what is the point. I may as well not even be here.

Oh lovely I'm so sorry
You are not an empty husk you have so much love around you.

Oh my darling that just broke my heart 😭

Donor eggs? Donor sperm? Or do you think youre done but just need somewhere to quietly scream? Secondary Infertility was honestly the worse thing I’ve ever gone through (and life has certainly not been kind to me beforehand). I wish I could make it better 😣

Thanks. I don’t think I could face IVF again, it pretty much broke me last time.
I know for the most part I get along fine, it’s just the finality of my status in all my key relationship groups i think. I’m finding it hard to gee myself up today, I just need a bit of a wallow.

I know it's such a flippant answer but, adoption? So many beautiful babies need a loving mummy. I hope that's not offensive. You just seem to sad and somewhere there's a sad baby too.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I know the pain of thinking that you will never have a child of your own, but I also know that you are so much more than just being defined by that one thing. I can tell by your post that you are intelligent, you mention that you have family, friends, a job. You are a good person, you mention that you love people and they obviously love you back. Those are not small things, but I also know that it is hard to appreciate those when you want what everyone else has and send to get so easily.

It is horrible what had happened with your husband, IVF and miscarriages. They were not your fault and you deserve so much more. Are you keen to find another partner? Would you join an online dating app? You still have time to do IVF, even by yourself, if you have the willing and the money. Or maybe parenthood another way (eg adoption)? Even if that doesn't happen for you though, you still have lots in your life to be proud of.

What I'm trying to say, very cack-handedly and I'm probably expressing myself terribly is that you (and all women, including myself) are worth so much more than just our ability - or inability - to have children. I know it's so so horrible to feel like the only one left, the only one without a child, but you thinking that you are just 'taking up space' makes me so terribly sad, and I just hope you realise that it's clear you have people in your life, and they you have so much more to give.

So much love
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You should definitely be here ❤️

Sending hugs and flowers OP, it's a crappy horrible feeling.
The space that you are occupying means that the world is a better place for having you in it, but it's so hard when the world keeps spinning and you're left with a gaping hole in your life where a child should be.
I don't have any way to make it better but am thinking of you.

Op I feel for you unfortunately not everyone can have babies but don't write them off just yet
Maybe u n your husband just weren't compatible in that way
U may meet someone tomorrow and fall in love and have kids
38 isn't old
I had a friend who was unable to have kids and got into foster caring she found it really rewarding
Just try not to feel so defeated u have lots of family and friends that love u
Good luck for the future I hope u get some life motivation back
Sorry I can't help with any better advice

That is really tough to deal with

Wallow away. Do you think counselling would help? Handholding and wishing you all the best

Op I could have written (most of) your post. My last friend is having a baby in January. It’s so hard. Sometimes you just need a wallow.

Have you talked to your gp about feeling like you shouldn’t be here?

nc please don’t post that on threads like this. It isn’t kind or helpful.