Starting to feel really depressed and dreading the future

[Maybe2020]

I’ve wanted to write this post for the last few days but didn’t want to seem like I was attention seeking or being stupid. The past few weeks I’ve started to feel very depressed and suicidal, I know I wouldn’t ever do it but most days I don’t see any point in my life.
The thing I don’t understand is I’ve coped quite well with infertility for the past few years ( been trying for over 6 year now) but the past 2 years it’s got harder and harder. We have now been referred for icsi due to my husbands male factor, his first results were 3 million per ml. His last sat came back as under 1 million and our consultant said he would now send off for funding and we should starting our one free round this year about October/November time. I just feel crap, I don’t have any hope of it working. I know people are extremely lucky for it to work first time and I know me and my oh don’t seem to have any luck at all.
I’ve put on weight because of the stress I’ve started getting acne when I’ve never had it in my life up until now. I didn’t think I had any fertility issues because I got pregnant while on contraception when I was a teen. But last year my prolactin came back a little high ( it then went back down to normal) I’m worried this will affect the outcome even though I’ve been told it won’t, my hsg showed my left tube was blocked from the middle again I asked would this affect the outcome and was told no. My progesterone was also only 19 last year and also told it won’t affect outcome. I’m just so scared something is going to go wrong and I just don’t feel any hope, I think I’m starting to go into major depression.
I know I should get help but I know nothing will help until I have a baby, that is the sole cause of my depression I’m desperate to have my own child.
My self esteem is at an all time low because I feel like everyone is secretely thinking “why has she no children yet” ( all of my friends and family my age have a few children now) my friend is younger than me and is on her fourth she has been married the same time me and dh have.
Even though I sound crazy I just think because we have been trying so long what hope have I got icsi will just be some miracle and sort it out and I’ll have a baby this time next year o just don’t in my wildest dreams see it happening anymore.

Hello, sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I can understand your emotions and I think all women going through infertility have times where they feel like it will never work out, I'm feeling like that today.
You have your free round so there's every chance that in a few months time you will be pregnant so don't give up hope!
It might be good to plan some nice things to try and take your mind of it for a while, sometimes you need a mental break as I don't think thinking about it constantly is helpful.
Opening up to people close to you might help, it sounds like some extra support would help.
Good luck, hopefully everything will work out as you wish 😊

You don't sound crazy, dealing with infertility is incredibly hard. I can relate to the lack of hope, I've been TTC for nearly 4 years now and have been constantly told nothing is wrong, be positive, etc etc, but at the end of the day years and years of dissapointment and grief are going to wear you down. I've got to wait 10 weeks to go into cycle 3 and it just feels like a pointless and expensive tick box exercise so I can sooner get to the point where I have to go through this massive grief process. Urgh. There are no winners.
Does your clinic offer counselling?

If u were pregnant when u were a teen where is the baby now or what happened

Is that any of your business? @aquarius1994

I haven’t been offered any counselling by our clinic yet, I think once the ivf starts they do offer it.
Tbh nothing helps because I know the sole reason why I feel the way I do.
However much I love my oh he doesn’t make it any easier. I have give up smoking/drinking in on vitamins and trying to be healthier.
He has give up smoking but vapes (no nicotine) he drinks a couple of beers a week but has cut down massively from what he used to drink.
He takes vitamins, but his diet isn’t the best and everytime he eats badly it really pisses me off.
Is it just the depression making me so aggravated with him? He seems to think the icsi will just sort everything and that he doesn’t have to prepare at all.

@aquarius1994 that is absolutely bang out of order and you should be ashamed of yourself.

@aquarius1994 what a disgusting thing to say, you have no idea what the OP circumstances were at the time, and even then does it really matter, have a little compassion.

I hope things work out for you OP

I’m not explaining myself you ignorant bitch @aquarius1994.

Thankyou everybody else for your replies X
Always one ain’t there

I dont think giving OH a hard time is fair. By your words he has made massive changes.

You're impatient so want it all fixed now and that's understandable. If it's got to the point where you're putting everything on hold, then you need a break for yourself to get away. A weekend or overnight somewhere and just let your hair down and have some wine etc your putting so much pressure on yourself and it's not fair on you at all! Were our own harshest critics.

I know someone in a similar situation with no medical problems (all tests done) and been told to give it time and it will happen. It's no comfort to them either.

Sending you lots of love and good wishes.

@aquarius1994, that was disgusting. You need your head looked at.

There aren't any medical reasons it sounds like why ISCI couldn't work for you, we had lower numbers and have DC now.
I'm sorry some posters are being such prats.
Infertility is very stressful, take care OP.

Thankyou pumpkin I just think it’s bit of fear of the unknown, also knowing i will probably have to face it not working first time and I don’t know how I will cope. Sounds daft. But the thought of it not working is hard enough without the fact it will probably be Christmas right after and I don’t know how I’ll cope with facing everyone especially my ohs family who are horrible people and their first grandchild will be her first Christmas so I know it’s special for them.
Just wish I had a crystall ball and could see my future sometimes 😂.
The only hope I have is that I got pregnant when I was younger despite contraception and hopefully it’s judt about when the icsi will work.
Thankyou for all your kind words x

One small suggestion I was given which helped me was to look at the success rate over three cycles rather than one and accept the idea of three cycles, which helps not pile the pressure on the first cycle.

We were in same situation trying for 3 years with no luck, male factor. Did ICSI short protocol and it worked first time. Then six months after giving birth to her I got unexpectedly pregnant naturally with DS so had two in 14 months. They said to me its more often second attempt that works than first but if no factors on your side and you're in your 20s or 30s it should happen fairly soon. Its very hard until then and even then you are high risk for PND but at least then you have your child. I hope things work out for you. It may well be worth getting counselling now as it tends just to build untreated and won't just go away with a pregnancy, you just find different things to worry about. In pregnancy you spend whole time worried about losing it. Then after you worry about the child if you don't get help. Its still amazing to have children but the worry doesn't stop with them.

I think as you've been pregnant before you are in the more likely for it to work first-time category. When they told me my first attempt would fail probably I told them to start me on the second attempt and it would work. They said being positive about it working helps though not sure about that. I was also told to drink lots of milk, a glass a day, never seen that advice anywhere else though but worked for us.

OP I could have written your post myself a couple of years ago, you’re really not alone.

I think the looming treatment can make the depression worse - it’s a big step and you’re letting go of the hope that it’ll just happen. I went to counselling at this stage and it really helped me and enabled me to feel strong enough to start to undertake ivf.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

In your shoes (except we had male and female factor infertility) our first try failed. But our second was a success.

What helped us (but may not help you) was to plan a good life without children. We planned career changes and travel and more dogs and a house move and lifestyle change. It helps that we know people who couldn’t have children and have a good full life. The sadness is still there but it’s like a bereavement, time helps.

I have friends who found researching adoption helped them get through ivf.

And it’s ok to be upset or angry. I’m still angry. Angry that people think that because we had a successful outcome it negates what we went through to get here. Angry that we were robbed of the chance of a normal conception/pregnancy. Angry that our lives are years out from our plans and we won’t have the family we imagined. And so much guilt for being the lucky ones and still carrying all that sadness and grief and anger.

I hope your treatment is successful. I hope you have a happy outcome. And most of all I hope you can be kind to yourself and each other through this.

I know I’m not alone because of this forum, before I googled and found any forums I felt totally isolated if it hadn’t been for these forums I don’t know how I’d have coped with these emotions. but then again I feel so alone in this if that makes sense. I just at that point where I believe deep down I will never get my happiness it’s loke I’m just waiting and waiting.
I feel like I’m stuck and my life isn’t progressing in a way, everyone around me is having children it sort of hits harder when a friend announces as I’ve had a friend who is quite young and in the space of me ttc she had got married and had one I used to babysit her!.
I just can’t see it happening now for some reason.
Your replies have really helped and I will seek out the counselling as I know I need to do something.
My self esteem is also at an all time low and I worry about my weight (bmi 28) so just under 30 for the ivf cut off mark.
I feel my weight will affect it.
I know I’m being so hard on myself, fortunately me and my oh are still young I’m 28 and he is 30 so time is on our side really isn’t it.
We are also saving for a second round too so that gives me peace of mind. It’s just my patience is really wearing thin lately after years in nearly there and I feel the worse I ever have done about it! X

Your age is really on your side - I did it early 30s and in the five of us there I was the youngest - a lot were late 30s, early 40s and age does affect success rates. My SIL waited until 40 and needed 5 attempts and donor eggs.

Its so hard when others are getting pregnant. ISCI solves the male side issues though and your ages are perfect so think your chances will be as good as it gets for IVF.

I had a pair of lucky fluffy socks I wore to each IVF thing. It is so stressful though and I bled 10 times with her so never expected her to be born alive. She was and is now a stroppy 13 year old. We did research adoption and that probably helped a bit as I knew one way or another we could have a child but people have different ways of coping or struggling through. I don't think the BMI matters too much though if you feel up to exercising - I used to swim a lot I found that helped my mood. But don't be hard on yourself and just do what you can manage and its normal to cry a lot / be emotional and ignore anyone who says otherwise.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in a similar position (although 8 years older than you!) with very similar feelings of despair. What has helped me is putting into perspective that being a parent does not define you. Many women now will not have children. It’s not the social pariah it once was. And that’s worse case - you are young and have previously become pregnant, with ICSI they will be able to pick the best sperm for you too.

Got everything crossed for you and sending positive vibes for the future - baby or no baby.

We've all felt like you at some point, those if us who have been on the ivf journey.

Counselling helps as a safe space to talk, without someone telling you to just relax 🙄

I wish you al the best and will be looking out for a hopefully successful update from you soon 🤞

Keep talking on here, these boards are wonderful and really helped me when I felt like you.

Thankyou so much! Was feeling a bit overwhelmed lately but I know I have to keep being patient.
Have been listening to a podcast about a couple who have had 15 rounds over 5 years and are now pregnant, I really don’t know how they survived it I haven’t even gone onto once cycle yet and feel I’m losing my sanity!
I will do @twinkledag this forum has really helped me the past year. Oh you will be hearing updates I’ll be coming on for lots of advice when I start the ivf 😂
X