How do you cope / respond when.....

[Blankspace4]

....people you don’t really know ask personal questions?

Been at a few occasions recently (weddings, parties, work functions) where people i don’t know very well will ask me “the question(s)”. I.e “do you have children?” (No), “do you want them?”, “oh you really SHOULD, my life wasn’t complete until I did”, and somehow worse “oh I’m sure your parents would LOVE to be grandparents” (somehow assuming I’m selfish for not as I’m depriving my dear parents of their right to be a grandparent).

I am infertile after unplanned, but irreversible surgery last year to remove both of my useless tubes. IVF is only a low probability option for us and we haven’t made that decision yet.

It’s a real killer and mood changer for me. I try and answer brightly / flippantly “no, we don’t!”) and move on but people don’t let it drop. I don’t feel comfortable sharing personal details with people who are basically strangers. But neither do I want to hear their passionate case for why i “really really should” (as if it’s simply a choice). I know some might say to snap at them to shut the conversation down, but I don’t want to necessarily embarrass them either, I know these women (and men) aren’t trying to hurt me, they just don’t think / don’t know any different.

It’s really making me dread such occasions, and have practically one a week through the summer. Help.

I suffered years of infertility and failed IVF and I would just say 'no we haven't been lucky enough yet' or 'we haven't been blessed with children so far' usually that would be enough to shut them down probing more

I used to brush it off, and generally do if it’s asked in passing. but if they won’t let it drop, or do it too publicly, I ask them loudly

“When was the last time you went for a poo?”

Followed by

“Sorry, I thought we were asking initmate questions about each other’s bodies that are none of our business”

Works every time

@Lauren83 thank you - that’s a nice breezy way to brush off that hopefully says enough to stop people prying.

@Eggcellent29 that’s brilliant, just wish I had the guts (no pun intended, haha!) to say it!

@blankspace4 😂😂😂😂 Tbf, I generally save it for people I know/family! I wouldn’t be able to say it to a stranger 🙈 not that a stranger should be asking me that sort of stuff anyway (even though they more or less do!)

‘Wow that’s a really personal question to ask someone. Not sure I would be that brace asking knowing that some people really struggle with infertility’ followed by a Paddington bear style stare

Its soo awkward isnt it? i think i ll start saying infertility is more common than you think. The thing is the more of us that say it to ppl theyl say to others and maybe make ppl think in the future..maybe i dunno. I get if ur just meetin someone its the go to for small talk but i just dnt get these ppl that keep on probing its like fuck off and stop being soo nosey

I just think alot of people are really dense.
Sorry.
Infertility is as old as the hills, its in the blinkin bible FGS.
so in my opinion ignorance really isn't a good enough excuse for asking inappropriate questions at strangers about their fertility.
Id just say none of your business and walk away
Although other posters have also given good advice about responses too

People are really dense. Our neighbours used to ask all the time and then after we got pregnant and we told them it was ivf they told us it took 15 years to conceive their daughter. You’d think they’d have been more sensitive!!! People just don’t think

I HATE getting these questions "do you want kids?", "have you thought about kids?". "have you and your husband talked about kids?" (um, yes, we're married, of course we've talked about it...)

My go-to response is "maybe, we'll see"

(you can add a death stare/look away uninterested) - it does tend to shut conversation down, as it's not yes or no, it's short and sweet and is vague enough to not invite further questioning (and your more astute friends/family will take the hint)

Initially when asked I'd laugh the questions off saying I preferred holidays to kids but as the years passed by I starting saying things along the lines of "if only it was that simple / easy" "what you want and what your body decides aren't always the same" "it's not as easy as just deciding" "making that decision is only the start" 9 times out of 10 these responses would shut a conversation down.
Fortunately after 5 years TTC our first round of IVF was sucessful but now I have the idiots who even though they know DD was IVF still ask when / if we'll have another.

I just answer “we’ve not been lucky enough to have children yet..” think people get the hint that we’re trying and most of the time they just leave it at that.

However, I was recently in a car with 3 male colleagues getting a lift from work and the loud one starts asking questions “when are you having children, you better get a move on” and my face just said it all then he said “is your man shooting blanks?” And the other guys looked uncomfortable. I didn’t go into it and if I wasn’t so caught off guard and had the balls to say it I would’ve told him about my miscarriage, but like you I don’t want to embarrass people. Still makes me rage how some folk are just plain ignorant!! 🤬

I would sometimes say "well it's not always as simple as that" with a fixed expression and it would tend to shut the conversation down.

I usually say something like " we'd love children just haven't got any yet"
Some people leave it at , some people keep going, something I find so strange why people feel the need to question people they barely know in something so personal.
Even though it is difficult I really don't think people mean any harm by it and are just been nosey. I suppose if someone has never had fertility issues then it may not enter their minds that these kind of questions will be tough for some.

I usually said not lucky enough yet.

Or Mother Nature isn’t playing ball

Or had 2/3/4 failed ivf

Thing is it is a natural question to ask. Having children is what makes the world continue and people don’t mean to upset

But

When it’s not happening to you and everyone else round you get preg easily it’s hard