What does life look like without children?

[FucksBizz]

I’m 23, married, and recently diagnosed with infertility. If you also can’t have children, what does your life look like? How did you come to terms with never conceiving? I feel as though I’m mourning the whole life I always believed I would have, and I know it’s time for DH and I to start moving on. Travel is a definite possibility.

Please don’t give me success against the odds stories. I will never conceive and I don’t want to hear it.

for everyone who’s struggling.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Have you decided that conception is your only route to having children? Im not saying "just adopt", asking more about surrogacy, donor eggs etc. Have you been through all possible options? I really hope you get the support you need on here and again I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I feel for you. My dhs aunt and uncle could never have children. She was able to conceive but not carry. She lost numerous babies before 12 weeks. Because of this the usual ivf would have never worked and the options were slim when they were trying. They're 60 now and brilliant with kids so I always find it such a shame because they would have been great parents. Aunt would have adopted but uncle didn't want to.

They have very career lead lives now. Started both working successful jobs living here then 10 years ago bought a b&b in Austria on a ski resort and have lived there ever since

They're happy, have nice things and holidays. Have travelled the world etc. However, I still think aunt would have gone ahead and adopted if uncle was on same page.

Perhaps adoption might be something to think about later down the line.

You are too young to be talking about never. The pace at which infertility treatments are growing means in 10 years there will be techniques available that are unthinkable now.

Adoption, egg / sperm donation, and surrogacy are available now. If you feel one of them may fit your situation then call a fertility clinic and ask about them. Often UK surrogacy gets a bad name because of legal issues (vs the US) but if you choose an experienced surrogate with your eggs (or eggs donated by someone who isn’t her) it can be easier and more straightforward than other options.

@FucksBizz I'm very sorry to hear you're struggling with your diagnosis and respect that you don't want to hear about miracle stories at the moment. I've shared a link to a thread on another mumsnet board that was posted a little while ago about how childfree/childless people spend their time (it gets a little bit antagonistic in places) but it might give you some inspiration and hope. Take care of yourself.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3590955-Childless-couples

Just a note on adoption. Modern day adoption from the UK care system really isn't the bed of roses alot of people think it is.
Its about therapeutically parenting very traumatised children, which can be relentless and nothing like parenting securely attached birth children. The affects of developmental trauma on a child can be lifelong and devastating. Plus
When you see the children who aren't removed by social service due the high thresholds, who really SHOULD be removed, you can imagine the horrific time the ones who do meet the removal threshold have had.

Ive had a look at the 'childless couples' thread suggested to the OP. Alot of very insensitive people on there with clearly no clue or experience on infertility. So id avoid.

@fucksbizz i would suggest you look at Gateway Women. Its a wonderful supportive charity for women who are childless not by choice for many reasons.
Best wishes
CG xx

My friends who are unable to have children, have cultivated themselves an extremely happy positive life. It's taken time. Female decided to work part-time as financially she didn't need to work full-time - something that many women only do post-children. Working part-time has allowed her to invest time in other interests (she well-read and cultured). They travel extensively with mini-breaks during the year in UK and abroad and always have plans and a busy social life. They gave two dogs that give them enormous joy and they revolve much of their life around them. They've taken on a renovation project. I wish you all the best navigating a new path in life.

I do want to echo what ChocolateGateux has said but also, as an adopter, I can say for certain that life with my son is better than I could ever have imagined having with any biological child.

OP you are so very young, so you have lots of time to decide what you want to do. If that is planning a childfree life, then that can be fantastic. If it is another route to parenthood (adoption, surrogacy, donor egg etc) then that is great too. I know it is easier said than done but dont put so much pressure on yourself, what you decide to do now doesn't have to be forever.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

But to answer your question, I have quite a few child free friends, and can honestly say they seem to have perfectly happy fulfilled lives. All have good careers, lovely homes (think nice flats in good city centre locations instead of moving to the suburbs for family homes), socialise quite a bit, have regular weekends away in addition to some great longer holidays. And can go to far flung locations in term time Plenty of time to indulge in hobbies, go to galleries, the theatre, read, fitness etc.

My older sister doesn’t have kids, and a couple I know decided not to. My sister is a doctor and has the freedom to pursue her career, her other interests, and can afford to go travelling a few times a year. She doesn’t have a partner and I think that bothers her far more than not having kids. After all it’s that relationship that is central to family life, whether that’s a family of two or more.
My friends considered fostering for a while but decided against it. They enjoy their life and just get on with stuff. Many of their friends have kids and many don’t.
You have to embrace your life as it is. I think most people in their 20s don’t have kids and even 30s. And isn’t it something like 20% of adults will never be parents?
You can of course grieve for the dreams you may have had, then change those dreams. My husband died when my kids were small - it meant all my plans and assumptions about the future had to change. You just have to keep looking to the future and not get caught up in what ‘might have been’.

Neither of my sisters have children. My elder sister died from skin cancer at 45, not that that will happen to most be she was most thankful she wasn't leaving children.
My younger sister has just retired at 60 with a million pounds in her pension pot and her husband has similar. They now holiday 3 or 4 times a year, destinations have included polar bear watching and the Galapagos as well as at least one safari holiday per year.

I have 2, now adult kids that I wouldn't be without but can't afford a new mattress.

I don’t have children through choice and have a male partner of 30 years. I have other women friends child free through choice, or because they didn’t find the right partner and didn’t want to do it alone. We’re all over 50 now and have nice lives. None of us are rolling in money, we have jobs which are fine, not high flying, we have different hobbies and interests, active social lives etc.
One thing I would I have noticed, is that we don’t have to face the empty nest syndrome. Having spent all those years relating to each other through children, having that role and being discombobulated when that goes. (That’s not a problem, it’s just a life experience we don’t have). So I think the relationship grows differently. My partner and I are a really tight team. We both work, we do things separately but a lot together, find new interests together, support each other to try new things (acting, singing, sailing, radio production, bird watching) We also have a motorhome (things you can afford when you don’t have children and people dream of when they retire!) which suits us to get away spontaneously,and explore this country and other parts of Europe.
We have a very close relationship with my sister’s children, we live in the same city and have been a major part of their life since they were born, taken them on holiday etc
It’s a different position from yours, as I always knew I didn’t want to be a mum so cannot begin to feel what you’re experiencing. And you can take time to grieve for the life you thought you might have. But honestly, there are many of us without children, who still have relationships with children, and purposeful and fulfilling lives.,