IVF lifestyle guilt

[Eggcellent29]

Hi everyone

I’ve read a few threads but this is the first time I’ve posted so please be patient with me! :)

I will try and give you the short version!

I was told within 6 months of ttc that I had already been through the menopause (no symptoms) and will never have children. I am in my 20s. My partner and I used an egg donor (who is actually older than me) and I fell pregnant. I had a missed miscarriage at our first scan and I was beyond devastated.

Anyway, we are now starting our frozen cycle with our only blastocyst.

Before both cycles, I ovulated. I found this very confusing as I’d been told I’d already been through the menopause, so obv would not be ovulating! Very difficult to get my head around emotionally.

Anyway, my lifestyle this time has not been ideal. I have drunk alcohol once a week this month, probably around 4/5 drinks a time. Not at home, but out socialising with friends and actually enjoying my life again! I have also very occasionally had a cigarette (maybe three since the start of the month).

I am dieting like a mad woman but just can’t shift the weight I gained in pregnancy! I haven’t had a period since the miscarriage but will do soon. My bmi is still in the range they will treat you for.

Basically, have I ruined this round? I feel so convinced that it won’t work and we will either get a npt or I will have to go through the horror of another mmc. It’s destroying my motivation and I just feel like a couple of drinks here and there won’t make a blind bit of difference :( I won’t drink a drop once I start estrogen ofc, just during down reg.

My clinic said not to worry, but they did say don’t drink at all from start of my down reg which is now (and at the weekend I had 5 drinks), but last round they said in moderation was fine up until estrogen tablets start so I’m not sure!

One day I feel like it will work or it won’t and I need to protect myself by living semi-normal. It’s been an awful year and I just can’t keep living like a nun during my 20s, with only my angel baby to show for it. None of my friends understand, egg donation tends to be something for women 10 or so years older than me!

But then other days I feel so low, like an absolutely awful person for having a drink and some fun when I ‘should’ be living perfectly. I did it perfectly for 10 months before we lost the baby and it was miserable, but at least I had hope to keep me going.

I’m not going to drink a drop from now on, but have I ruined everything? Transfer is in about 3 and a half weeks. I really don’t want to cancel as we have already spent best part of £1000 on this round and I can’t afford to throw that away, which just makes me feel even worse about myself. Does anyone have any similar experiences or words of advice? :(

Sorry for rambling!

It sounds like the stress of it all is really getting to you and you aren't coping in a healthy way with it. Counselling could be a good option going forward.

For the time being, the best you can do is try your best. Binge drinking is far from ideal so would be worth seeing if you can cut back going forward. Moderate drinking would be sticking to the guidelines so one drink at a time (that's 2-3 units).

Would you like to also have a child with your own egg? Might be worth having a chat with your doctor about you ovulating: it looks like you do release eggs so you could as well try naturally for a bit longer if there aren't any other fertility issues.

Thank you for your reply!

I think you’re right. I did try some counselling but didn’t find it helpful - but perhaps that’s because it was just after the miscarriage and all a bit raw. I might find it more useful now so will try and arrange an appointment

I would like to, but only because of the cost implications of using a donor. Out of all of this, deciding to use a donor actually was the easiest part for me!

We have decided to try naturally for at least 6 months if our fet is unsuccessful. The doctor said that the egg quality is most likely poor, so pregnancy is still unlikely. But she also said if we had dtd without protection I would need to do a pt before treatment in case I was pregnant! So all a bit vague really.

Short answer: don't worry. My clinic told me to carry on as I always have, nothing about not drinking. I don't think you have ruined anything. Good luck!

Thank you Ces6 :)

I will stop from now and try not to beat myself up about what is done - it’s not like I can change it now, only what I do next

@Eggcellent29 - don't beat yourself up too much. I've done 4 cycles of donor egg IVF and for the first couple I was an absolute angel for months - no alcohol, no caffeine, ate the right things etc. As time went on, I realised that I needed to strike a balance between giving the cycles a good chance of working but not becoming obsessed and letting the process suck all the enjoyment out of life in the meantime. So, I compromised by being "good" once I started the meds, but feeling free to have a drink and treats outside that.

With donated eggs, we're lucky in that we don't have to worry about our own egg quality - that's the only silver lining I can take from the fact I have no eggs of my own - so long-term diet is less of an issue.

Funnily enough, the last cycle is the one that worked and yet I had an awful cold, felt very unwell, and had a couple of hangovers in the run-up to starting . . . I was convinced it wouldn't happen!

@redpandafluff

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a long journey! Congratulations on your successful cycle! ❤️ It gives me to hope to hear other people’s stories.

I’ll keep it clean from here on in, I never used to worry so much but since all of this I worry about absolutely everything!

Thank you everyone, I’m so glad I posted! :)

Try not to panic. With my first round of IVF I did everything by the book and it failed. The second time I was much more blasé about it (well as much as you can be) and in the lead up to starting the down reg drugs I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted and basically just lived my life normally. Even during that round I just carried on like normal (except for drinking alcohol) and that round resulted in a successful BFP. So basically I wouldn't read a whole lot into your previous drinking and eating behaviour and definitely don't feel guilty about it.

Sorry about your previous miscarriage...I've had a couple, including a mmc, and I know how gut wrenching and heart breaking it is. Good luck for the next round!

My consultant said you can keep drinking alcohol and coffee (in moderation) right up until the embryo transfer and then just eat and drink as if you’re pregnant.

Not been through a similar experience, although lucky enough to fall pregnant twice through IVF (I full round and then 1 frozen), but I don’t think you have ruined anything! Yes in an ideal world you wouldn’t have touched a drink or had any cigarettes but as far as I know the only reason the clinic specifies these things is so you are at your ‘healthiest’ when they implant to increase the chances, but I imagine the difference it makes is minimal based on what you’ve said you’ve drank/smoked. I don’t for a second believe it will somehow mean the implantation won’t work, people fall pregnant when they’ve been doing much worse! Best of luck!

you havnt ruined anything

i had 4 failed ivf before the 5th was sucessful

the 4 i dieted, no caffine, healthy diet, rarely drank etc - all failed

2w before 5th i was on holiday and drinking lots every day, that was my only sucessful cycle - dd is now 2yrs

I feel so much better guys, thank you! When I have my sensible head on I know a few drinks once a week won’t make a difference at this point.

If everyone had to give up drink three weeks before they fell pregnant or it wouldn’t work, we would all die out pretty quickly, haha!

The cigarettes were silly - I gave up 8 months ago and hadn’t touch them until the mmc! And even then only a few. So it’s not like I’ve been smoking regularly.

Think I need to be a bit kinder to myself!