'When are you having kids' - mind your business

[Brcelona9]

Diagnosed with pcos at 17.

Tried Clomid for 3 months which wss unsuccessful and suffered a bereavement (OH's Grandad) so it got put on hold.

Sufferened 3 bereavements not long after (mum, uncle, nan - in 16months) fertility got put on on hold then too. The grief lasted a long time. Especially after mum.

Been together for over 8 years and NTNP but not even a smidge of a positive test.

Currently under a fertility specialist and nothing seems to be happening. Results are worse than when we first tried.

**When do you give up and admit to yourself it's never gunna happen?

We will be 29 next month. The 'when are you having a baby' comments are out in full force the past year and I just want to scream 'we can't have children'
Anytime someone says 'it's about time you two had kids you would make such lovely parents" I can feel like someone has their hands around my throat because I'm trying to stop myself from crying.

My OH has nothing wrong it's just me and I'm CONSTANTLY being remind of how much they want a baby.

I Just want to burst out crying!

I'm I'm on social media and when theres a story about couples not being fertile or cuts to IVF funding, all you see is people mentioning either adoption or over population and that 'we obviously aren't meant to have children'... I have 2 very close friends that were adopted and they had a better upbringing than me with such loving parents. In a heart beat I'd adopt a child if they allowed me too. But as selfish as it sounds, I feel less of a woman the fact I can't conceive and carry myself. It's affecting my mental health so badly.

So for the ladies that can't conceive. When do you give up and go for counselling to accept the fact your infertile?

That’s not selfish and don’t let anyone ever tell you your selfish for wanting your own children. Would we turn around and ask someone who hasn’t had infertility issues why didn’t they adopt?. No we wouldn’t, so we should asked that either.
I also feel like I have to stop myself from crying when people ask when are we going to have children, I’ve just got used to it and having to put an “act” on that I’m not really a baby person and that we want to wait.
7 years ttc for us and my partner has male factor, have you seen a specialist in the hospital yet? X

31 and 33 here. Ttc for 3 years together for 11 years married for 4. To the insensitive nosey fuckers that ask the ‘when are you having kids’ question I do one of three things depending on what mood I’m in. I reply with either:

1. Gosh that’s a really personal question to ask someone. I’m not sure I would be that brave asking someone incase I asked something insensitive and maybe they were struggling to have children followed by a Paddington bear type death stare.

2. laugh and say god I didn’t realise you were so interested in my and DH sex life...pull up a chair I’ve got charts graphs data....

3. I’m battling infertility at the moment and I don’t wish to discuss it.

Answer with a rude answer as it’s an incredibly rude question!!

I’m sorry you’re also going through this it’s shit!

I just said I was focussing on my career and ended the discussion. It helps that I have quite an authoritative tone and so can end a discussion quite easily. But do ensure you tell the people closest to you; you absolutely need some support.

I'm quite a calm person normally until I get asked this question and then I internally boil with anger and try not to cry!!

To be honest it really is nobody's business. I think most people ask because they care but it is completely insensitive.

Love all the responses above just wish I had the confidence to use them

Find someone to talk to, I have counselling for support through the process not because I have given up

I find it’s the older generation who do this. Have yet to be asked by friends or work colleagues of a similar age. I think people our age are more aware of things like infertility and miscarriage. I had a great time at a recent family event. My sister lost her daughter recently at 5 days old - she was engaged but not married. A relative of my aunt came up to me and said ‘are you the one who lost the baby?’ (The baby!!!!) I said no that was my sister and she said oh but you’re the one who has been married ages.... we are in middle of 1st Round of IVF. In the end I was just glad she met me first and not my poor sister as her tone was so unbelievably nosy and insensitive.

So for the ladies that can't conceive. When do you give up and go for counselling to accept the fact your infertile?

After 8 years of trying, I gave up at 34. O didn’t need counseling. Had been through the wringer and didn’t feel I needed it, personally.

Now very much at peace with not having children. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have given so much of my time and headspace to TTCing.

My mother thought it wasn't going to happen for her so she gave up and got a puppy instead. My parents decided to focus on what they could do with their lives. (I eventually somehow happened and my parents rearranged their lives for me. But the pregnancy was a surprise.)

Not trying to give you false hope. My mother was very disappointed too. I think it's perfectly okay to cry if you feel like it. And maybe it will make people understand that those questions can hurt, even when they don't mean to.