Starting 4th IVF cycle- struggling

[RedPandaFluff]

Hi everyone - I started taking progynova yesterday morning (Saturday) for our 4th IVF cycle and I don't know why but today I feel massively emotional. A wave of what can only be described as despair or a huge depression struck me earlier and I'm struggling to snap out of it.

This hasn't happened before so I don't think I can blame the meds - certainly not so early into the process, anyway - and I took a few months break between this cycle and the last cycle to have a rest. I should be feeling strong, optimistic, excited that we're trying again - instead I feel really tearful and I am absolutely dreading going to work tomorrow. I panic every time I think about it - but again, my job is fine, I shouldn't feel like this.

Maybe I've reached my limit, and it's time to stop, after this cycle . . . ?

Does your clinic offer counselling?

Crazy emotions are all part of cycling and you can't always prepare for them. Hope you feel zen again soon.

Hi @LividLaughLove - I know you're right, I think I just didn't think I'd feel so bad quite so soon! Good idea re. counselling - I'll contact my clinic tomorrow, thanks.

I know the one thing about IVF you can count on is not being able to count on anything.

Try not to be hard on yourself and build in time to do things that make you happy for the next few days.

@RedPandaFluff I now believe that IVF is the definition of insanity for me, doing the same thing and hoping for a different outcome. If my poor quality embryos survive until tomorrow I'll be having my 4th transfer and I'm utterly tired of it all. We will do one more, but I'll be having a break over the summer to regroup as this has been a horrible few months! Maybe that's the difference for you this time? The break has meant that although it's been a few months, you have enjoyed not having to play this game and now you know what's ahead of you. It's only the first one where i was excited and hopeful. I hope this one goes well for you, but I totally understand why you're thinking of a limit. If IVF doesn't work for me, I'm having my nails done every 2 weeks, having fabulous holidays and am going to rebuild my career - infertility has made me coast at work (can't go for a promotion when I could be pregnant next month after all) and means I rarely spend anything on myself (why would I need more clothes, I could be in maternity stuff in a few months etc) this has taken up too much of myself already and I deserve better. give yourself a break, IVF has been cruel to you if you're on your 4th cycle and with the strongest will in the world I don't believe anybody would be optimistic and excited when you know what lies ahead.

@MrsC18 a lot of what you've said really resonates. I was very excited and optimistic the first time - and I didn't realise the progesterone makes you feel pregnant, so the crashing devastation with that first BFN was very difficult. I've been a lot more cynical since.

And yes, I felt much better during my break - started running again, felt more balanced and sane, ate and drank what I wanted (which was probably too much!)

I think the hardest thing for me is fear. Spending all that money, putting my marriage under strain, cooling friendships - all a huge gamble that probably won't pay off.

Will you share how you get on tomorrow? I hope your embryos make it and you have a successful transfer 💐

@RedPandaFluff thanks, and of course I will. Im obviously hopeful inspite of myself 🙄 but out of 14 eggs only 3 fertilised normally so there's clearly something very wrong this time. I'm just hoping there's something there tomorrow so we've got something to transfer cause even a BFN seems better than no embryos at all.

My lovely friend posted in a shared Pinterest folder we have "what screws us up the most in life is the picture in our heads of the way it's supposed to be" which is exactly how I feel. So I'm just going to have to work on what my picture looks like or risk losing the wonderful things I have got.

I didn't realise when I was taking it that it was the Progynova that was making me very depressed, dark thoughts and struggling to walk through the clinic doors without crying - that was my first medicated FET cycle. My very first cycle was a fresh cycle with a High dose of menopur and I was so well on it.

My third cycle I switched to patches instead of progynova, as I'd worked out why I was so down and clinic agreed. Sadly that cycle got abondoned 2 days before transfer as I got my period - I felt so much better on the patches, but clearly they'd not calculated something quite right for me (IMO). That was gutting, long protocol down Reg cycle only to have it snatched from me.

Anyway, I think it can be the drug itself. Deffo look into counselling and talk to your clinic.

I'm on my 4th go - but clinic agreed I could do a natural cycle despite them not offering them. I feel like myself this time, it has been such a gift for me, 2ww nearly over now,

Good luck today, @MrsC18 💐

@Ladysap I'm definitely going to give the clinic a call today. I had Estrimax in two previous cycles and progynova for one, and I don't remember feeling this bad before, but it could very well be the meds. Probably too late to change it now though.

I'm sitting on the train, trying to get a grip and stop crying before I get to work 🙄

Thanks @RedPandaFluff they're all still there but such poor quality they want to get them in asap so I'm going into to have the best 2 transferred this afternoon. One is 7 cells and the other 4.

Best of luck getting through work without crying today, I'm going to do the same 💪

Is this a day 3 transfer, @MrsC18?

There are so many success stories where poor quality/slow developing embryos were transferred (I know this because I always seemed to find them just after a BFN post-transfer of excellent quality 5-day blasts) - would it help you to read some of those, or make you worse?

Maybe your little embryos will do better inside you than they will in the lab . . . I'm crossing my fingers for you x

@RedPandaFluff yes day 3 transfer. I'm not going to read anything as I don't want to upset myself by reading that I've got a 12% chance or give myself false hope by reading all of the success stories!

Ultimately they will take or they won't. I've had 3 x 4BB blasts completely fail whilst reading of others having twins with 2 day 2 transfers so I completely understand you!

I'm going to get on with my life for the next 2 weeks until we know, and then I'm starting running again and will get us back on some decent vitamin supplements to give the last cycle the best shot we can.

Wishing you the very best with this one x

Totally get that. Sometimes success stories make me feel positively murderous rather than positive.

Sounds like BAU is the best thing for you - good luck x

All crossed for you @mrsc