Anyone else decided enough is enough?

[Runner31]

So today is my OTD and I got a negative result. I thought I would be distraught and I imagine at some point today I will be but right now I am part relieved and part angry. This was my second cycle after 6 and half years of TTC and I'm so exhausted and fed up of life being on hold. From my first GP appointment at 34 when I was told not too worry I hadn't become pregnant and just keep trying to being told the same by a different doctor 4 years later only for them to eventually scan and find a cyst on my left ovary. It turned out it has been there for 2 years and thanks to incompetent consultants and and a delayed operation the cyst grew to a massive 15cm2 and destroyed one of my ovaries. It wasn't the whole reason i couldn't get pregnant then but it played a huge role.

So I'm now nearly 40yrs old, have had life on hold for years and have felt rubbish for the last 18 months from having a giant cyst whose symptoms mimicked pregnancy and from IVF hormones whose symptoms mimicked pregnancy. I've had 18 months of feeling pregnant only to be continually reminded I can't get pregnant. I think I'm done.
I do have 2 embryos in the freezer but I don't know how long this can go on for before I break. Even my husband is questioning that if it didn't work this time with a really good quality embryo, the best of the bunch, why should we think it Will work next time. I desperately want a family but I know IVF isn't the only way forward and there are so many children out there desperate to be loved.

So I'm sorry for the rant and moan but I think today is a day I need to talk and keep thinking practically. I need to keep in mind that IVF not working isn't the end of a journey, it's just a change of direction.

*@Runner31 "*I need to keep in mind that IVF not working isn't the end of a journey, it's just a change of direction"
Absolutely this. It takes a strong person to go through infertility, especially for 6 years. There's nothing I can add to make today any better for you, but we're all thinking of you and sending our support x

I've been through this too so feel your pain. I actually think it's harder to stop than to keep going. Give yourself some time to grieve then make the right decision for you. IVF has taken a tremendous toll on me even 3 years after we finished it. You are totally justified if you say enough is enough. I know so many women who have stopped and then get PTSD because the trauma is so bad but you never let it get to you whilst your TTC so it hits you hard after. Good luck and take care of yourself.x

@Runner31 this really resonates with me. I'm just waiting for EC for my second fresh cycle but have had stark white negative results for the first fresh and 2 subsequent FETs. Every time I have the conversation with my husband about how many times I can do this to myself and cope with the negative result. I get 3 fresh cycles and any frozen transferred so if I could have another 2 years of feeling utterly ill on the medication, taking time off work and having my self esteem destroyed because even in the niche world of infertility I seem to be the one that doesn't get pregnant.

I do know though that I realistically won't stop until I've had 3 cycles. But a part of me believes ivf just won't work for me.

On a positive note, the FETs are much less invasive horrible than a fresh cycle, and your clinic may offer some additional tests you can have before they transfer another embryo. I had the implantation bloods and was offered a scratch. I'm going to ask for a hysteroscopy after this one.

Today will probably feel awful and you'll take a couple of days to pick yourself up but to be honest the one thing that pulls me out after a negative result is planning the next one.

Thanks so much for your kind words, they really do make such a huge difference.
@cantdoright1 I can completely understand people getting ptsd after IVF. Before this last cycle started I was a mess of anxiety and fear until the moment the next cycle started when i got completely lost in the process.
@MrsC18 your story also resonates with me. We didn't get any frozen in our last cycle and are going to have a chat this weekend about what to do about the remaining two frozen. I spoke to my clinic today about next steps and they said they would do any investigations in to why it isn't working till I've had at least 3 miscarriages and BFN. Interestingly when I told them I had tested early I was expecting to be told off or have the positive result dismissed but she said a positive after 10dpt (I had positive tests up until 13dp5dt) means there was some implantation but at the moment they're not going to investigate that further. Another thing that niggles at me is that on my last scan before ec my lining was 13mm but on the day of ec it had dropped to 6.2mm. To me that sets of alarm bells but because with a high dose of oestrogen they got it up to 6.9mm they've just said it's very unusual but not worthy of being investigated. They're attitude kind of cements my 'what's the point' feeling and my determination to just move on with our lives.

I'm surprised about the lining thickness as at my clinic it needs to be over 8mm before they'll even think about doing a transfer?
It does seem from what I read on MN that NHS clinics give a completely different service to a private one?
I have just had a failed FET transfer and we are going to go again in a month or so and after that my clinic has suggested doing some more tests etc

I felt ok when I got a BFN this first time - maybe because I know we have a couple frozen and can afford to do another round if we had to. When it's the final try I know I'll need to come to terms with what may never be x

Why don't you make preliminary enquires about adopting/fostering as it takes time to get the process started without committing at this stage. There are lots of children needing homes and it's a positive thing you can do. It doesn't stop you having another attempt at ivf but you can see what the process is and timescales.

We also had to have 8mm lining thickness before transfer.

We enquired about adoption near us and we weren't allowed to apply until 12 months after our last fertility treatment.

I feel your pain. Thoughts are with you. Xx

You need to make peace with ivf not having worked before starting adoption. Most places have an enforced wait of af least six months.

Have you seen a counsellor? Your clinic should have one

On the 8mm thing. We were told I needed an 8mm lining for transfer. Our fresh cycle I was over no problem (probably because I wildly over stimmed) but our frozen we struggled and I was told based on my body shape and a couple of issues with my uterus they’d consider over 6 acceptable because it might not be possible to get me to 8 without the issues of over stim. As it turned out I went from 5.9 to 8 in the extra time on the meds so the transfer would have been fine under either criteria but it seems 8+ is ideal but clinics will consider individual circumstances if it’s under.

OP. I don’t know if it helps but frozen cycles are marginally more successful and easier on the body if you do decide to try those embryos. But it is ok to stop now, or to take a break (the embryos will wait). Do your clinic offer counselling? It might help you make peace with whatever decision you make. IVF is bloody torturous shit. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Thanks so much for all your advice. We had an adoption and foster visit just before we started IVF so have worked out the process and what to expect with it. It's just a case of ending IVF and waiting for the 6 months post IVF to start the process.

I too am really surprised about the lining. I spoke to the clinic the other day and bombarded them with questions. They have said that while the thickness is important the structure is equally important and the lining was perfect in structure in terms of it being triple layered etc so they had no concerns about the thickness. I do know of people who have had success with thinner linings and my biggest concern is it's drop in thickness. For it to go from 13mm (4th scan) to 7mm (on EC) in 2 days and then only increase by 0.7mm in 5 days when on a high dose of oestrogen sets alarm bells off in me. Their response is while that's unusual their still happy with the thickness! I'll bring it up again at our follow up appointment but I don't hold out much hope for answers.

But...between my husband and I we did come to the decision that we will use the last two frozen embryos but neither of us actually think it will work. We're on the NHS and just don't feel like we've been looked at on an individual level. I've never had blood tests to check hormone levels at any point of my cycles either before the IVF or during and the lack of answers we get during phone calls and appointments makes it so frustrating. I know there aren't always answers with infertility but at every single scan I have to remind them I only have one working ovary, it's like I have to give them my notes at each appointment. So, we might go private in a year or so but the priority after the frozen cycle will be adoption and concentrating on us as a couple. I'm so grateful we've got through this even stronger than when we started and I feel like we need time to celebrate that.
Good luck every one and thanks again.