How to get DH to engage more

[Idprobablystilladoreyou]

This is going to sound really stupid/selfish. 2nd round of IVF, straight after failed round. Feeling really shit. I asked DH yesterday to help me a bit more, he said how I said make a bit of a fuss of me, get dinner ready etc, Get up with me in the morning while I take my injections, make me a cuppa etc. he said no worries. Literally that night after the conversation he was out that evening, left me to sort dinner, tidy his mess from the day in the kitchen (he works from home) and his morning I am up, getting prepped to take meds. He's still sound asleep.
Next Monday have EPU and as it stands he has plans to be out from 2-7:30 (not work) I don't think he's really getting it, is he .......

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and unsupported by your DH, @Idprobablystilladoreyou - I've felt similarly to you and it's incredibly disappointing. I think it's because we expect them to step up at a time when they probably feel a bit mystified by what's happening to our bodies, moods etc. It's no big deal to them because they're not experiencing the physical stuff. My DH was really rubbish during our first cycle and I felt massively let down. I had to really spell it out for him more than once that he needed to go through this with me, not chill out and carry on his normal life while I went through it.

I think you should talk to him again and be really clear that you agreed to do this together, you deserve his attention and support, and that he has to accept that life is going to be different for a while - hopefully eighteen+ years!

Even when I do spell it out he doesn't step up. Can you do x,y and z for me? Doesn't do it, gets the hump - well I've done a,b and c. What more do you want ?!?!

Has he always been like this, or is this a new side to him that you haven't seen before?

He's always a bit like this, will cherry pick the chores he wants to do etc. But this is making him worse.

My other half has been exactly the same. It hurts as well as being frustrating. I initially expected/needed/wanted more - especially in the early stages where my emotions were all over the place and especially after having spoken to him about how I felt. I was so nervous, worried and scared etc.

However, everyone is different and it is really true that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

What I've come to learn is that my OH struggles with the emotional and hormonal side of things. But when it comes to key appointments that I've asked him to attend with me for support, taking me to/from the clinic/hospital, holding my hand during scans, looking after me when i'm in pain from a procedure, he's been amazing. In my instance he's able to understand the practical aspects much easier and has helped with the injections as he can see how big and scary that needle was for me - at least until I got used to him injecting me the first few times so I was brave enough to do it myself.

It is easier said than done, but in hindsight my advice to you would be to try your best not to stress and create coping mechanisms. Look after you as the hurt etc can create unneeded drama. In my case I had some distance at times and would see more of my family/friends and to engage in the things that made me happy. I realised there was a lot of wasted energy in trying to get/expect him to engage in certain aspects. I don't understand it as of course I would want for us to be a much better 'Team', but trying to alleviate the arguments and hurt has helped me.

Good luck!!

@BahamaLlama such good advise. Thank you.