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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Friend & Ivf... AIBU? 😣

24 replies

Itsme1979 · 03/03/2019 02:23

Sorry if this isn't for here but I'm so gutted I don't know if I'm being irrational/oversensitive....
One of my closest friends had trouble conceiving a few years back and she had Ivf and I was overjoyed for her when it was successful after much heartache she had been through personally having no family and the setback of conceiving. Out of our group of friends I was the only one excited about becoming an 'aunty' and she always said she felt uncomfortable talkin about her pregnancy to the others because they aren't into kids, they change the subject, they're more into going out etc, don't make an effort'. I knew our other friends were like that as they are single /into their careers but I didn't expect anything else but that's just how they are 🤷🏽‍♀️ so I organised her baby shower ,went to baby shows, spoilt her unborn as I was so excited about it for her knowing she didn't feel the others bothered.
Fast forward 4 years later... I am now having ivf myself, the few close friends mentioned above were aware and all of them apart from said friend asked me how I was getting on etc.. Apart from the friend who had ivf!!
During my cycle, I would msg her to tell her updates as I thought she was the only one who'd understand, having had ivf herself and the want to have a baby. Everytime, she would sweep it under the carpet, didn't want to meet up, cut me off and say something like 'oh keeping my fingers crossed for you xxxx' and wouldn't acknowledge anything I said or carry on the Convo like she wasn't interested. After that I felt awkward. Anyways my cycle failed and she didn't contact me at all which I found so bizarre. Recently One of our other friends told me she msged them and said 'her ivf obviously didn't work, I feel awkward, I'm not goin to msg her'. I feel so hurt by this. I have been there for her so much with her difficult pregnancy, problems with her partner and was an ear when she felt no one cared about her pregnancy. I feel so different towards her now and I don't even want to talk about my next cycle in our group chat.
I understand it may be awkward because she has a son now as her ivf worked but I feel like that's a cop out reason to not msg me. We've been friends since we were 10.
Am I being OTT?

OP posts:

Kel801 · 03/03/2019 02:28

She might still be traumatised by her IVF journey and not yet able to talk about it x

dreichuplands · 03/03/2019 02:33

There are two possibilities either she is self centred Pillock or she is over whelmed by the emotions that your experience has brought up for her and doesn't how how to cope. You are going to know her best and which of these is more likely. Can you talk to her one to one about this?

Ifonlybatshadhats · 03/03/2019 02:37

You really don't sound like you're being ott. That's really bizarre behaviour from a close friend. I came across your post on active threads and I'm not commenting because I have experienced of ivf myself; I have friends who have conceived by ivf and found them to be prickly about it. I, as I've said, don't have my own experience but when you and she are going through/have gone through ivf I don't understand why she would be like that with you. I know my reply is no help whatsoever but yanbu!

Ifonlybatshadhats · 03/03/2019 02:38

Ah, the two pps seem to get it more than me ^^

Original poster

Itsme1979 · 03/03/2019 02:41

@dreichuplands my other friend said she is self centred and the others told her she should've msged me. I know all ivf joyrnies are different and people cope differently but I had icsi, she was given clomid so they were different experiences but we were like sisters. I just don't understand why she didn't even want to know how I was.

Will stop feeling sorry for myself now. I just thought she'd be my 'buddy' during this

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsme1979 · 03/03/2019 02:56

And to add... I didn't hear from her for 2 months after my ivf and then she msgs me out the blue asking if I'll babysit.

OK definitely leaving it now 🙁

OP posts:

dreichuplands · 03/03/2019 03:27

She isn't being a good friend to,you at present and as her IVF had a good outcome I would have made the initial assumption that she would be okay with supporting you.
On the basis of asking you to babysit I might be inclined to come down on the side of self centred but IVF can be a brutal process.
Good luck OP.

UnicornRainbowsRain · 03/03/2019 04:08

Did she use clomid as part of IVF or just use clomid?

Yes she's possibly traumatised and just wants it behind her but in my experience IVF parents make a big big effort to support other parents going through similar struggles. Maybe she's just self centred. Other possibility is that she is just busy and overwhelmed by life/work/small child?

Original poster

Itsme1979 · 03/03/2019 07:57

@unicornrainbowsrain her only treatment was clomid and then successfully conceived

OP posts:

ChariotsofFish · 03/03/2019 08:00

Ok, so she hasn’t actually had IVF. She may be embarrassed that she exaggerated her treatment at the time. She doesn’t actually know what you’re going through.

Singerleon · 03/03/2019 08:05

So she didn’t actually have IVF then?? That’s probably why she can’t sympathise because she has no idea what you have gone through with the icsi

Motherofcreek · 03/03/2019 08:05

She is being a selfish cow.

I’ve had three rounds of ivf - two worked. I’ve also had two etopic pregnancy’s - but I’d see contact a friend who was going through similar

Motherofcreek · 03/03/2019 08:06

Oh missed up date. She hasn’t actually had ivf.

Yep being a dick

ThanosSavedMe · 03/03/2019 08:10

I’m afraid to say I think she’s a self centred bitch.

Sounds like she doesn’t like the idea of you having a baby as then her baby/child wouldn’t get as much attention as before.

I’m gobsmacked that she’s totally ignore what you e gone through, then got In touch to ask you to babysit. Wow

Beyondthesea1 · 03/03/2019 08:14

She didn't contact you for 2 months and now has asked that you babysit! You don't need her in your life. She milked all the sympathy and attention when it was all focused on her. But when you need it she isn't there.

Not a true friend. No loss there.

You need to focus on you and your OH and all the stress and strains that IVF will bring.

MynameisJune · 03/03/2019 08:20

My guess is that as she didn’t actually have IVF she a) doesn’t know anything much about actually going through it and b) is embarrassed that she has exaggerated and now you’ll know that she didn’t have IVF and she doesn’t know how to bring the subject up with you so is avoiding.

omalleyalleycat · 03/03/2019 08:44

My guess is that she over stated what she was going through and now feels embarrassed about it....Clomid isn't ivf - no where near as invasive and the fact it worked first time for her she obviously feels awkward that Yours hasn't. People have short memories and she's obviously forgotten what it was like for her during that time and now can't empathise with what you're going through. That being said I would ask her about it and explain how your upset with her Behaviour and see what she says??? X

eurochick · 03/03/2019 09:52

Clomid isn't fun but it isn't ivf. She has no idea what you have been through. Neither is fun but they are poles apart.

I thought the people who said she might be traumatised by her own experiences could be right before you mentioned clomid. I can deal ok with people talking about ivf now but struggle sometimes with people talking about "normal" childbirth experiences due to my own experiences (prem c section as baby was struggling, followed by baby in nicu).

endevo · 03/03/2019 10:00

Sounds like you're better off without her OP, what a twat

UnicornRainbowsRain · 03/03/2019 12:32

I've had clomid. It isn't IVF.

But it does look like you can use clomid as part of IVF.

If she has just had clomid it's absolutely nowhere near as invasive or difficult as IVF.
You have to have a few invasive minor procedures but that's it. The rest is taking tablets and insuring you have sex! (Some mood swings and hot flushes m).

Maybe she been a bit caught out?

averystrangeweek · 03/03/2019 12:36

She may have had multiple rounds of treatment since, and been unable to conceive again. Or possibly even miscarriages, that she hasn't told anyone about.
Infertility is a touchy subject, and I understand how you feel, but there may be many reasons why she feels unable to discuss things with you.

MindatWork · 03/03/2019 18:20

So sorry for you op - she’s being a self centred dick.

It took me 5 rounds of ivf to finally conceive my dd and it looks like one of my friends may be having ivf in the near future. I will make sure I’m there for her as much as she needs me as I remember how desperate I was for someone to understand what I’ve was going through at the time. I felt so lonely.

If there was any evidence she was really ‘traumatised’ by her experience it would be slightly more understandable but that fact that she actually said to your mutual friends that she wasn’t going to message you because it’s ‘awkward’ makes her a prize bitch.

Georgieporgie1916 · 03/03/2019 19:45

Surely OP would've known if she had other ivf/miscarriages as she was in the loop of her first fertility treatment? You also mentioned she has no family and has problems with her partner, surely she should be grateful for her friends? There's no excuse for this person, they sound terribly selfish and a user. I hope you declined the babysitting duties :/

ViolaD77 · 04/03/2019 10:29

No, she hasn't had any other fertility treatment.
And yes she has no family and is on and off with her partner.
I did say no to babysitting, said I was busy and haven't heard from her since. Our other friends know I'm very annoyed so it won't be long til she hears although I don't think she'd be bothered. Just feel let down.

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