IVF 1st Cycle - No judgement needed, Im beating myself up enough.

[mikkyr]

So I need some real hard honesty here. Ive googled and read and tortured my soul with questions.
Husband had a vasectomy 10 years ago near the end of a disastrous marriage to his ex wife who he had 2 kids with. 1st kid was the result of a one night stand and the 2nd an attempt at patching a failing marriage. Needless to say his experience of child rearing has not been good and raising children post divorce has been pretty much the same, just a constant struggle. His experience of parenting as been pretty dismal.
I dont have any kids, am 40 now and we have been married for 4 years. Ive been straight up with him from the start that I always saw my future as one being a mom and he never closed the door on the possibility even though we both knew that it wouldnt be a conventional way of falling pregnant what with his vasectomy.
The last 4 years we have been so consumed with building homes, businesses, travelling etc that I never pushed the pregnancy issue very hard. If we are honest, he is indifferent to having or not having another child so its been left up to me to push the issue or not. The thought of motherhood frightens me a bit if Im honest not because I dont think Id be a good mom but rather because Im so worried that I dont have the energy for the day to day 'hassle' of being a mom. I know that the word hassle seems harsh but I cant think of another word right now and when I look at my friends with kids they all have the same gripes about motherhood but tell you that they wouldnt change it for the world. So I dont want to close the door on motherhood because maybe motherhood gives you the energy to be a mom? Maybe being a mom makes all the other things worthwhile? Does this make sense? But maybe 40 is too old to be a mom because Ive gotten so used to living life my way and the thought of that being disrupted freaks me out but maybe when it is disrupted its a welcome disruption because of the love you feel as a mother for your child. I dont feel very motherly to my husband children and am worried that Im just not cut out to be a mom. Being a step mom has been a challenge and because of the completely fraught relationship my husband has with his ex wife, I have never really felt much joy from his kids as there has always been some issue around them. Yet every one tells me you feel differently when its your own. This journey is so unfair in so many ways. People who just happen to fall pregnant because they happen to have sex with their husband at the right time of the month and the stars align for them the way nature intended dont actually get how lucky they are to have some of the conscious decision making taken away from them by nature. An IVF baby is the most thought out and planned way of having child. I mean who goes into this process unsure about what you are doing when you are paying thousands of dollars and submitting yourself to a plethora of medical procedures and injections. I feel like a drunken night of unprotected sex with my husband is a much better way to have a child! So I feel like a complete fraud right now. Besides for my age which Im lead to believe is not so uncommon at 40, I am a completely ideal candidate to be a mom.. Im fit, healthy, financially secure, I work part time for my husband so have plenty of time to be a mom, have a maid and a nanny if needed .. So whats wrong with me?
Right now, I am day 2 of stims and I feel like crap. Im lethargic and sad and not very happy about how my body feels right now. I dont have any excitement about the process Im in just more and more doubt. I have made deal with myself that I am only prepared to do this once and if it doesnt work then nature has decided for me.

You know, I think everything you're feeling is completely normal and natural. Don't beat yourself up about it! I'm certainly not going to. My situation is very different to yours but I've often had the same sorts of conflicted feelings. (Why am I even doing this? Surely it's a terrible idea! I'd suck and everything would be awful...)

I'd say, look after yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you're feeling at any given moment, and take things one day at a time. Good luck to you!

I’d take one day at a time.

It’s normal to have doubts and concerns about IVF as, if you’re a healthy person, it feels a big deal pushing your body to do something unnatural. Clinics are legally required to offer counselling so, if you really feel you’re struggling and need someone to talk with, see if you can see a counsellor.

However, don’t worry about your ability to be a mum. I was sure I didn’t want children when I started TTC six years ago. I agreed to have a child because it was my husband’s dearest wish and, when we discovered we had unexplained infertility, I was prepared to go through IVF for him even though I was ambivalent about motherhood myself.

By some miracle, I eventually fell pregnant after three years and now have a 2-year-old DS. He is the light of my life and I couldn’t love him more. I didn’t realise how much I’d love him until he existed as he’s not just ‘a baby’: he reminds me both of my DH and my own father, who died a couple of years ago, and brings an enormous, bittersweet joy to my recently-widowed mum. The difficulty of having him makes him all the more precious.

Having being totally ambivalent/negative about kids, to the point where I saw babies as nightmare monsters, I’m currently trying an IVF cycle in the hope of having a sibling - something I never dreamed I’d do.

In short, it is totally usual to love your own kid and not to care about babies generally. The fact you’re doing IVF shows you have the commitment required to be a mum.

Thank you both for your replies. It brings me some comfort.