Feeling broken

[ThePeakPanther]

I don't even know why I'm posting tbh. I don't have anyone to talk to in rl and it's getting harder to be positive.

On cycle 18 now. 1 mc and 1 mmc in that time. I'm coming up to 37 and am starting to feel like I'll never have a family.

My gp referred me to kings infertility and the doctor there told me I do not qualify for Ivf as I've been able to conceive. Her exact words were 'do you know how desperate these women are to see those two lines?'

I did tell her that 'those two lines' are not the end goal and that I'm no closer to having a baby than any of the other women there.

My marriage is suffering. My husband barely talks to me. We're only intimate when I'm fertile. I can't take medication I need for a chronic illness when ttc and without them I can't work full time. So I'm part time which, aside from the money, means my own career has hit a wall.

This limbo is awful. I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I have suffered badly with depression on several occasions and can feel myself slipping. The isolation of being at home alone, no friends, untreated pain and money worries- on top of the overwhelming sadness of no baby- are all just a bit much

I'm so sorry the fertility clinic said that to you, I had no idea they included MCs as not being eligible. I would go back to your GP and explain the situation. Is there anyway you could go private? Also check out access fertility for refund programs. Our NHS fertility clinic had a 9 month waiting list which felt so disheartening. We ended up going private.

I was also about to turn 36 and had been ttc for 19 months, so absolutely felt that time was against me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - infertility is so shit.

I'm also surprised to hear the fertility clinic said that -and I know it's hard to view it as positive but you can have an embryo implant which is a great start. My sister had two miscarriage and now has a 5 month old - it does happen.

With regards things you can control and change going forwards to help yourself - have you looked into counselling? I did it via a fertility clinic and found it really helpful.

As per the pp is it worth looking privately? Most clinics have free open evenings where you get 10 minutes with a consultant - we went to one of these and took all our results so far and it was really helpful.

Best of luck

Thank you so much for your replies lilyleaf and hoping2018 I really appreciate it. I will def look in to open days - that’s a great tip.

We could probably manage 1 try privately- I will research embryo transfer. I’ve had a lot of counselling and cbt in the past. But you’re right- another round may be useful.

I’ve had quite a few tests done that have all been normal range but I have a couple of conditions that some doctors are not knowledgeable about so I don’t know what, if any, impact they have.

My gp was great but she’s not there anymore so I need to build a relationship with a new doctor. I wasn’t sure if the response I got at the clinic was standard or not. She made it seem like my only option was to conceive naturally And if after another mc to go to the recurrent mc clinic.

Anyway - onwards and hopefully upwards - I got a bfn and then my period on New Year’s Eve - the perfect end to a shitty year! Hope 2019 is good to us all x

I am very surprised at King's - both the way they spoke to you and what they said. I thought you weren't eligible for funding if you or your partner had a child.

Really sorry you are going through this. It is awful. I was originally assessed at King's but in the end we did a private cycle.

Wow @ThePeakPanther there seems to be a lot going on. I'm not sure how it works with your chronic illness but if you can go out and meet some new people and take on some new hobbies I think that would do you the world of good and hopefully improve things with your relationship too. If you go on a site like meetup.com you might find a social group you like?

Thank you Buffy and honeybee. That was also my understanding re. eligiblity. I been thinking about things since I first posted and I think I will go back to the gp to discuss options before we start looking at private clinics.
I do keep an eye on meetup and have been along to a few things. Def keeping busy and getting out helps