Wanting to donate eggs - advice wanted

[Basperandmoo]

Hi all,

I’m after some advice and guidance (please, no harsh words required...).

Can you meet the recipient beforehand?

I have two healthy children and the bonus special edition of two healthy step children. We’ve decided that we don’t want any more children but egg donation is something that I’ve thought about a few times since the birth of my second child.

I’ve spent some time researching egg donation and have narrowed it down to one local clinic (whom I have a phone appointment with on Thursday). From what I’ve read, it’s an anonymous process. I’m happy with this but would also have the curiousity in wanting to meet the recipients.

Is it possible for someone/a couple to connect with me if I’m of a match to them?

I’d love to give the gift of parenthood to someone and would appreciate advice on the topic.

Thank you in advance.

Hi @Fabaunt - it sounds as if you really regret your decision, which must be awful for you. Did you donate eggs in return for free/reduced price IVF?

No, I donated to a family member who was infertile and it was the worst decision I ever made.

@Fabaunt - I had IVF treatment using donor eggs and I would be devastated if my donor felt this way. Sadly none of the cycles worked for me but I am so eternally grateful to the donors who gave me a chance at parenthood.

Donating eggs to a family member is such an amazing, altruistic thing to do, as it's usually out of love and care for the family member rather than money. I'm very curious to know why it was a terrible decision for you? If it's opening old wounds please don't feel the need to respond.

I have an ongoing thread open just below this one if you want to read it x

@Fabaunt I’m so sorry to hear that you regret it. Do you feel this way because it was a known donor or do you think you’d have felt this way regardless?

I’ve spoken with a woman at the clinic, who has sent me some further information. I have the full support of my partner (which helps) but I’m still undecided and therefore don’t want to rush into it.

I guess that it’s quite hard to know how you’ll feel until you’ve done it.

I think it’s harder because the child is contacting me and there is a bond, and essentially I can see the child and I can see myself in so much of her character and I can see my sibling and parts of both my parents. (She has my dads ears and my moms smile, just like me!) and then she’ll frown and she looks exactly like my aunt who is of no “relation” to her. But also, you’ll wonder so much about the life you’ve basically created. It’s no different to a man going out and blowing his load during a one night stand and leaving his flesh and blood to be raised and cared for by other people.

I am prone to weight gain, as my mom was and I really have to watch myself with that. This child’s mom isn’t, and while I donated the eggs her dad really controlled my diet and I felt horrible before I even donated the eggs that what If the baby was a girl, would he exercise the same control over her? Of course by then it was too late for me to back out.

What you also must consider is if you have other kids, how they would feel having a genetic sibling out in the world? Would you be freaked out they may end up meeting each other in a nightclub?

I think when you donate your eggs, you’re basically giving your dna away, it’s not harmless. It isn’t the best thing to do. You don’t need to carry and birth a child to feel a huge connection. I felt so upset when my cousin shut me out while pregnant, and for the first two years of the child’s life. I would not do it again if I could have a do over and I would never recommend someone else do it.

@Fabaunt

I really appreciate your point of view. And yes, I have children of my own so it has crossed my mind. It is something I’d want to know about should my mother have done that.

I’ve just read your thread regarding your donation (I did scroll through all the comments but got a rough idea).

Firstly, I’m very deeply sorry to learn about the loss of your own child. My heart really does go out to you.

Whilst I agree with others that counselling seems like a good idea, I too have received counselling (difficult birth with first child left me with PTSD), I do agree with you in that it isn’t a magical cure. I feel that some of the best counselling comes from those around us and the contract that you signed is preventing you from accessing that benefit.

I think that the best thing that you can do is to approach a solicitor for some legal advice, taking with you a copy of the contract if you have it. Failing that, maybe the clinic that you attended my still have a copy.
They have not fulfilled their part within the agreement (payment etc). Although the law will differ between countries, some initial advice may help.
Although you were legally an adult when you signed the contract, I feel it’s unfair that you were denied the opportunity to discuss with anyone other than the couple and the medical professionals. You were still of a vulnerable age and given the opportunity of advice, you may not have chosen to go ahead. You were denied the support of friends and family, together with the counselling that was offered prior to the treatment.

In terms of telling the child created, I can fully understand you urge to tell her the truth, especially given the circumstances.
However, even at reaching 18, if you were to tell her then it would have an overbearing impact on her life. Remember how different you were at that same age.

Before taking things any further, have you considered approaching your cousin directly? Whilst she’s acted in an unfair way, she’s also been the one raising the child since birth and as such is technically the ‘mother’. If I were to have been a recipient, I’d be distraught if my relative told my child without discussing feelings with me beforehand. Again, if I were the child being told that my mother was in fact not my mother, I’d also be distraught.

I fully appreciate how you must be feeling and why you’ve been taken advantage of. I would aim to get some legal advice (relevant to the country that it took place in) together with some counselling so that you can speak freely about it all.

I really hope that you resolve the situation as best that you can.

Thank you 💙💙