Friend ungrateful about her hard fought pregnancy - do I say something?

[Testtubemom]

I have mulled this situation over for almost two months and I don’t know whether I should say something or not. Need perspectives.

My girlfriend is 6 months pregnant with her first child after 3 rounds of IVF and will not stop complaining. I have been there the whole time, through the ups and downs of each IVF, 2 miscarriages, and all the difficulties supporting her and holding her up as I kept her focused on the right things to keep going. But I have to admit I am tired now.

She is not eating properly, gaining tons of weight, and says she is constantly nauseous. She hasn’t been vomiting, but says she is so sick that she finally got her doctor to write her a ‘work from bome’ letter and has stopped going to in work (which she hates - even though it is a really good job, that she could easily lose with this behaviour). Her diet is now causing issues digestively, but she is not connecting the two and helping herself as she needs to but instead talks as though no one has even had a tougher time than she has.

When I text her to check in, it is complaint after complaint, talking about how ‘no one understands how bad this is’. Yet a couple of times now I have bumped into her out, smiling and laughing with people, and they seem to think all is well, so she is obviously saving the ‘shit’ for me.

I am probably having trouble with this also because I myself am a 5 time IVFer with two miscarriages under my belt. I got my three kids through dicey pregnancies, one that nearly ended badly with placental failure and a twin pregnancy at 40 that I was convinced was going to go south like the first. There was pain, fear and deep concern the whole way through but I kept it together, and I didn’t have someone like me around to help.

My big thing though, is whether I should say something because a few times now, she has said, ‘I just want this baby out!!’ And I am fairly certain she has no idea what is coming next. In my experience and in the experience of other IVF moms, we are more prone to PND because our expectations are so high, and if you don’t go into the birth in a positive headspace, the whole thing can go down even harder.

But what do I even say? And how do I say it? ‘Get your head up? You need to be up, for when the baby comes?’ I am guessing she will just feel judged.

But she is exhausting the living hell out of me. I am annoyed, disappointed and really put off -yet as her friend I probably have no right to be, can I get some thoughts here?

I wouldn't say anything.

I am pregnant after a stillbirth and other lossesand thought i would never complain about pregnancy but truth is at timed it fucking hurts. It makes you tired. You do feel so sick all you can eat is what you can face even if that is crap and unhealthy.

It doesn't make you any less grateful for what you are bringing into the world. Its just makes it all a bit more real.

Part of me would love to be off work to make the most of my pregnancy and the journey i am on. Work is such a distraction i miss her movements when im there. I don't get to talk to her as much as i would like because i dont have time. I get stressed and tired and feel guilty on her for that too.

I think it's all quite normal tbh.

Don't say anything OP.

I think whatever you (or others) have been through in order to get/stay pregnant, you are still entitled to moan about the realities of being pregnant! Some women find it a lot harder than others. I had two relatively easy pregnancies, then with this one struggled hugely with sickness/nausea/food aversions for 20 weeks. I couldn’t have eaten well if I’d tried, regardless of the resulting ‘digestive issues’. Often the nausea is worse than sickness itself because there’s no relief.
What would saying somethint achieve?

Don’t say a thing!
But you don’t have to make yourself so available to listen to just the shift stuff. Incessant negativity (about anything) gets short shrift from me.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and letting your own issues project. Shes obviously having a hard pregnancy and just wants it to be over, that doesn't mean she is ungrateful!

saving the ‘shit’ for me - she probably thinks you are a good friend she can confide in. Obviously she is wrong as you are being very judgemental.

there was pain, fear and deep concern the whole way through but I kept it together, and I didn’t have someone like me around to help. - fantastic that you managed to keep it together but does that mean she has to suffer in silence?

The fact that you had bad pregnancies, I would have expected more compassion.

No don’t say anything. She doesn’t owe anyone her happiness. Just because her pregnancy was hard to come by doesn’t mean she can’t complain about the parts she isn’t enjoying. You don’t have to listen to her complaints though. Stop checking in with her. It’s not your job to be her venting receptacle.

hating pregnancy does not mean she is doing anything ungrateful. Who would be grateful for misery?

If you don't want to support her, don't. But don't decide she's being ungrateful because she's not behaving as you would. She's not you. Pregnancy is a shitshow for many people

I'm sorry, but I hate this attitude.
Why should women who have had losses/difficulty NOT complain about normal pregnancy stresses?!

I'm sure she is very grateful to be having her baby, but sometimes pregnancy absolutely sucks.

I had a similar work colleague /friend. Lost a ds mid pregnancy, awful and we all rallied round .
Dd arrived the next year and her 'pet' name for her precious bundle was fucking little bitch.

Sadly some people just aren't who you thought.
Distance yourself if you need to op.

I'm with others, it might annoy the shit out of u and it would me but I wouldn't say anything..
depending on how close u are I would just say little things like 'U need to eat better for this baby' or in a light hearted way 'there is people out there who never manage to get pregnant I guess we should be grateful no matter how crap we feel'

I think you may be projecting here a bit. Just because she found it hard to get pregnant doesn't mean she should be singing with happiness about all the crap that pregnancy brings. She's obviously sick and having a good diet while battling morning sickness is practically impossible. If she's bringing you down, then maybe you need some distance for your mental health.

Good point, I didn't go into what I had been considering saying. I wanted to sit down and tell her that I get how hard everything is right now, but that 'this too shall pass' and everything she is going through is worth it. I would say that deep down she knows this and that is is really important to keep her head up and stay in a good frame of mind. I would tell her that when women do get down they can idealise life after birth and that there are risks to that that she can protect herself from if she can look at this situation from the outside. I would tell her to be proud of how far she is come and to start being excited about the Daughter she has fought so hard for

(For those who have mentioned that pregnant women complain, I get that. I have been that. This is on another level completely, and she has lost complete touch with reality. I promise this is not the normal complaining that women do.)

I take on board though, that so far people are saying to stay quiet. I am rethinking and suspect it may not be the time.

I'm on the fence tbh. It's not fair if she is draining you with her constant moaning, while being all smiley for everybody else. You are her friend not her therapist!
Some people are very draining. If she carries on, all that will happen is that you will start avoiding her.
Maybe a gentle conversation wouldn't be terrible.

I know k didn’t feel grateful to be pg after a long struggle as it was just shit and more waiting - the fact she’s waited so long may have made the waiting worse?

I felt so, so grateful when my baby arrived though, the first time in my life I’ve really felt spontaneous gratitude.

I think distance yourself a bit - she may be moaning as still worried and disbelieving and more anxious now the goal is in sight. It could get better when the baby arrives - let’s hooe so!

And please don't say 'U need to eat better for the baby'. I have constant nausea even though I'm not actually getting sick. I eat things that make me feel better, I don't eat things that make me worse.If someone said this to me I'd kill them and then be aquitted on the basis of justifiable homicide.

You could say to your friend whilst you understand, it’s bringing back bad memories for you?

If someone said this to me I'd kill them and then be aquitted on the basis of justifiable homicide

Ditto . I physically couldn’t eat ‘well’.

No, no! Never. Had not planned any criticism of diet or anything like that. Just a big 'pep' talk that she might not have really wanted to hear. But I am guessing that is my answer. In her current state, she doesn't need anyone - least of all a Friend - tell her anything she doesn't really want to hear. Will stay silent and chill out. Thanks ladies.

(Oh, Nesssie? Way harsh, not sure I am the one projecting...)

I am currently having the pregnancy from hell yet my skin and hair look great so people are constantly saying how good I look yet I feel absolutely horrendous. It's my third pregnancy and I never felt this unwell on the others so your friend is probably feeling absolutely terrible. Also I just cannot eat certain foods I know I should be eating. All I crave is the wrong type of stuff. I know if someone criticized my eating right now I would probably swing for them

Did you have sickness in your pregnancies OP?

I struggled with infertility for years and then when I eventually became pregnant suffered from recurrent miscarriage.

I HATE being pregnant. I have nausea and sickness well into the second trimester. It has brought me to tears on several occasions, the feeling ill for months on end is horrible.

Just because someone struggles to get pregnant doesn’t mean that you become a glowing goddess for 9 months. I now have a DC and am pregnant now, if someone tried to have the quiet word you are suggesting I’d struggle to speak to them again to be honest.

Singerleon, to answer your question, yes, but the additional complications (cholestasis, proteineuria, placental failure etc) meant I didn't have people telling me I was having 'normal' pregnancy and to enjoy it the way she and others are frustratingly told. She and I have always had differing pain thresholds (responses to needles, injections, procedures, reactions to horomones, discomfort with taking medication) and perception becomes your reality, so I suspect she is finding this harder overall than I did. As I have said earlier, I have decided not to say anything.

I had hard fought pregnancies with losses along the way

If someone had offered to shoot me when I finally had a successful one I would have handed them the rifle

You have no idea how shit someone else can feel. Your experience is not their experience. In fact...you don't sound like you like her very much. Have a good think about that.

To Amy, You are right, I am not in her body or head. And on your last point, after some additional statements made by her last week, essentially minimising what I and another Friend with losses went through -when we weren't even talking about us at the time- I would say that although I love her dearly, you are correct, I probably don't 'like her' very much at the moment. Putting that aside, I was worried about her headspace making her prone to post natal depression later, because I had it severely, so came here to ask for input. The answer has been loud and clear.

Oh, Nesssie? Way harsh, not sure I am the one projecting.. - I have nothing of interest to project, just commenting on what I read on your post.

Putting that aside, I was worried about her headspace making her prone to post natal depression later, because I had it severely, so came here to ask for input. - this is projecting...

Anyway, you have a majority answer now.

I have to say, I’m on the fence too.

Yes she could be having a very bad pregnancy and really suffering, but it also sounds like she’s being quite rude and dismissive about everyone else that has struggled (like yourself). There are probably anxieties and worries underneath all that causing her to stress and lash out, but at the same time there is no need to minimise your/other peoples’ losses and award yourself worst pregnancy in history. Has she asked a doctor or midwife about how best to minimise her nausea? Kind of sounds like she’s not helping herself either, and that’s what it sounds like you’re frustrated with most.

I think as her friend, the best way to go about it could probably be to ask her what’s actually wrong. I can understand you being annoyed that she’s fine with everyone else but shitty with you, id have the same response you do. It sounds like it’s deeper than just nausea or whatever else she has going on so if you’re wanting to get to the bottom of it, you could ask different questions that would work out her actual state of mind - maybe she’s already feeling depressed because of hormonal changes.

Having a tough pregnancy is no excuse to treat other people like shit, especially if you are her only sounding board and the only person she feels she can vent to. I agree with everyone else, that she’s allowed to be moany because pregnancy is hard, but it doesn’t give you a right to be rude to (what it sounds like) the only person who actually knows the truth of what she’s feeling and who is trying to support her.

You’re allowed to feel exhausted too. You’re supporting her and trying to be there but it gets hard when someone is rude and horrid to you all the time. If you feel like you need to say something tactile at the right time, do it. It sounds like you wouldn’t go in all guns blazing and start accusing her of being a moany cow, but I think maybe someone needs to sit and talk with her properly about what’s actually going on and it sounds like you’re willing. Maybe she needs someone to help her pick her head up.

You know what’s best, you know her. I know where you’re coming from because I’ve had the same. Part of being a good, true friend is saying what needs to be said even if it isn’t what they want to hear.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP.