Secondary infertility

[MG35]

Hi all so 3 years ago after 3 years of ttc I found out I was pregnant, it was a Tuesday. Saturday morning I was bleeding and miscarried at 5w+5. Devastated is not the word. Anyhow, 3 months later we got pregnant and now have a delightful and sassy 2 5 year old lil lady.

Out of a group of friends who had our first babies at the same time; all are on second baby one just announced pregnancy today.

We've been trying for a year I've started attending less play dates as a whole group as baby number 2 is topic of conversation with all bumps and babies. Anyone else in similar situations and how to handle the when are you having another question?

I'm in the same boat although my DS is almost 5 so some of my friends have had 2 babies in that time! Now I'm just honest with people and say we're trying but it's taking longer than expected unfortunately (16 months so far), and you'll be surprised how many people have been in the same situation. Plus it stops the constant questions whenever you see people lol! Xx

I used to say “I’d love another but babies don’t come to order”. It’s tough. Sorry you’re going through it.

We were in that position - natural conception (though it took 2 years) with DD, then struggled to conceive again. After 2 years of no luck we decided to investigate IVF and now pregnant that route. But from about when DD was about 18 months we started getting lots of “so are you planning another” type question from well-meaning friends and even random acquaintances. It was also hard when all the other mums from NCT/baby groups started announcing their second pregnancy.

I think that if you have a child, it doesn’t occur to people who have themselves not struggled with fertility that you might not be able to have another and so they don’t realise it could be a sensitive topic and just think it’s a normal chit chat type question. It can be upsetting though. I’m sorry it’s putting you off play dates, and if these are people who are actually friends and you’d like to maintain a relationship with, maybe worth saying something gentle along the lines suggested by the other posters.

I got asked at the hairdressers this weekend and today by an acquaintance I've not seen in a couple years it's so tiresome. Thanks for the advice xx

It's particularly hard to judge how to play it when complete randoms ask you, because it doesn't seem worth the emotional strain of revealing personal information. So when the handyman who sorted a few bits out on our house asked if we were planning another and said cheerfully 'well don't leave it too long', or the complete stranger I sat next to at a dinner party asked if we wanted more, it just didn't seem in any way appropriate to come back with 'well, we'd like to but it's taking longer than we would have hoped'. Partly because it wasn't a conversation I wanted to get into with people I didn't have any personal relationship with, and partly because it would make the rest of the conversation or any future encounters incredibly awkward for me. So I used to try to say something offhand like 'yes maybe, still thinking about it'. Obviously that doesn't close the conversation down, so you might then get follow up comments on how lovely/difficult it is having two.

I always reply - we are working on it. Some friends heard it 2 years ago and got the hint that we are struggling and do not bug me with more questions. Good luck!

My DS is 6, no trouble conceiving him but have struggled with secondary infertility, although now I have basically given up. The stage you are in is very hard as you are surrounded by babies and bumps and all the mums you are friends with through your first are on their second, it's hard to escape .

The only thing I can say is that as time goes on, people stop asking. Once they get to school, it definitely dropped off.

It's tough. Big hugs. Look after yourself.

Also eventually I got to the point where I was open with close friends and it was just easier to be honest

Hi mg i could have written your post myself. My dd is 3.5 and we've been trying since she was 11 months old (when my period finally returned). Its been a long shitty road, with several chemicals but no missed periods. All my nct friends have second babies, all friends with kids have more than one (some on their 3rd). We're weirdly stuck in a limbo of not quite finishing building our family, so can't move on to living our lives.

We're unexplained, although along the way got an endometriosis diagnosis and lap. Otherwise perfect bill of fertility health. We've just been through a cycle of ivf, ended up with 10 5-day blasts that we had genetically tested. Five good ones went in the freezer. First transfer was a chemical (gutted), and second one just ended in a bfn. Three more left and we don't know what the consultant will suggest on monday when we see her. It's been a long road but I'm happy to be 'doing something' while simultaneously putting it in the hands of the scientists.

Have you had any counselling? I wasn't keen on it by then took up a free session at the clinic and it really really helped.

Wrt your question - People tend not to ask me anymore (i guess they realise we either only want one or can't have another) but i used to say things like "we hope to have another one if, we're lucky", or if pressed and I'm annoyed I've said "it's something we're struggling with" and that usually halts the conversation. I've distanced myself from people and places that make me unhappy, which is sad but you I need to protect myself from that terrible feeling of "why me" and feeling so hard done by. I was also worried about the age gap but at this point I'd take any gap to have another baby.

So I'm sorry i can't offer a ray of sunshine here, but i absolutely empathise and send you buckets of understanding and compassion. It's shit, but feel free to talk to us about it, as it does help x

I'm so sorry for the block of words, there were paragraphs in there that have disappeared!

I know how you feel- my lil lady is 2 years 9 months - had to have a TFMR last October due to a genetic condition following CVS (condition has a 50/50 chance of being passed on if baby is affected they would suffer so if they survive not really an option to proceed with pregnancy I found out it was a boy tho). My best friends have already had baby no.2 over a year ago they had their first babies earlier but then everyone else I know; NCT group and all my local mummy friends have just had baby #2! To make matters worse my SIL (who's first baby was born 3 months after mine) was due day after my little boy would have been due in June. I have a healthy niece but I had TFMR the week before Xmas at 12 weeks! My only other friend that was yet to have second is now 15 weeks pregnant! I have PCOS though do have a regular 35 day cycle. Just started TTC as my body has only just recovered so not exactly same but may have to try more times to have a healthy baby!

I either tell them the truth that we were pregnant in October last year etc or just that we would like another at some point!