The fear of cycle 2

[Runner31]

I've just had my first cycle of ivf (short protocol). We've been ttc for 5 years. Last year I had a dermoid cyst on my leg ovary which was removed but has left it barely functioning. Other than that I have undiagnosed infertility although I have very short cycles of between 14 and 25 days.
My first ivf cycle was successful to the point of a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks which completely floored me. I feel emotionally and mentally broken. We have two more ivf cycles on the NHS but I'm terrified of going through it all again and miscarrying. I don't react well to hormone changes and progesterone in particular seems to turn me in to a demon.
Has anyone been in my position or similar and have any words of wisdom?

Oh I feel for you with this! My situation is a little different, but I completely understand the fear of miscarriage!

I fell pregnant naturally after 4yrs ttc and had quite a traumatic miscarriage which required hospitalisation. I’m now undergoing first round of ivf and I dreaded it because I was convinced it either won’t work, or if it does I will miscarry again.

I went to counselling which really helped me cope. There was so much about the miscarriage that I hadn’t worked through and I really needed to work on that before I could start ivf.

Do you think you need more time to recover from the miscarriage? Although it’s downplayed and you’re told you’re physically well enough to try again, the trauma is real and your loss is real. You need time to grieve.

Everyone is different, but counselling was the best thing Ive ever done and I would recommend it to anyone.

I hope you get there, it’s so hard but you are braver and stronger than you know x

It's a horrible fear isn't it, hard to explain unless you've been there. 

I had a traumatic MMC at 11 weeks after my second IVF cycle. Since then I've had another two unsuccessful rounds.

Your body recovers far ahead of your mind and emotionally I feel like I cannot regain that hopeful excited optimistic feeling before I had the miscarriage. I so desperately want to get back to that mindset, and feel like my fear and lack of trust in my body might be holding me back.

I'm more terrified of another miscarriage or stillbirth than I am of another failed cycle. Sadly at my age (40), even if a future ivf cycle were successful, the chance of a further miscarriage is 50%. Can't bear the thought of going through it all again but I also can't bear the thought of life without children.

Do think about seeing a counsellor. I've had a few sessions and it has really helped.

I completely relate to the fear of another cycle. I've not experienced your loss, just a failed first cycle but experienced terrible side effects from the medication, which combined with the extreme highs and lows of the process has made me very apprehensive and not excited at all.

Botanica, again I've not experienced anything like you but I relate to the fear that the mindset will hold you back, I'm trying the mindful IVF app to feel more positive. Not sure if it's helping me or not but I feel less like I'm sitting and wallowing. He talks about allowing yourself to feel stressed about a cycle so that you're not twice as stressed by stressing about stressing which really resonated with me.

I'm with you, Runner. I'm just starting cycle 3 of donor egg IVF (started taking the oestrogen on Friday). I had a chemical pregnancy from cycle 2. I'm terrified of going on this rollercoaster again - the drugs, the waiting, the positive rest, the excitement and feeling like all our dreams had come true, and then the agony of watching those hopes fade away.

It's so hard, and I feel very lonely.

*positive test, not rest

I can relate to that, I'm on my first cycle of IVF after 3 medicated IUIs (2 BFN on OTD and one missed miscarriage which resulted in a world of physical and emotional pain). I'm just not excited at all and even if I get pregnant again I probably won't believe I'm actually going to have a baby.

Hello, @RedPandaFluff, I remember you from the donor conception thread, glad to see you're trying again. I really hope this cycle is the one for you.

@sandytoes84 thanks for your reply. I do think it will take me more time than I imagined for me to feel healed. I had a really long chat yesterday with my husband about how long we keep doing ivf and what our future might look like. It helped a lot. I struggle when I don't have control and just taking back a little bit of control of the future helped a lot.
@RedPandaFluff I really hope things go well for you this time. The rollercoaster we put ourselves on is so hard, lots and lots of positive vibes to you. X
@StillLikeAirIRise it's the extreme highs and lows that really floored me. Especially when I stopped the progesterone. I read somewhere just after my surgery that sudden drops in progesterone cause extreme mood swings and depression. I really wish I had been more prepared for that. Are you doing a 2nd cycle?