dh refuses to go to a fertility specialist

[janettes7]

Hello ladies! I'm new here and I hope you'll give me some advice. My dh and I have been ttc for 2 years and a half now, with no results. I'm 31 and dh is 29. We've been together for 6 years already. For about three of those years before ttc we hadn't tried to get pregnant but we weren't preventing it either. I did some tests which showed everything fine with me. My dh has a child from previous relationships so he thinks everything fine with him as well. He assumes we have unexplained infertility. Well I think only doctor can make such diagnosis. I keep telling him that but he doesn't listen. I think many of you can agree with me that we should at least go to a specialist to figure out what is going on. Ok fine, unexplained infertility. What's next? We should do smth about it. I told him we should go to a fertility specialist, they can advise us to go for ivf/de ivf/ds ivf/surrogacy so we could start treatment now and don't waste time. The end result was tears shed and no resolution. He thinks "all those things are unnatural and we should just keep trying". He also told me that I am trying to pressure him into going. I know what you might think of - "He doesn't want to have children that's why he refuses to go". Well I'm sure that's not true. He loves kids. He loves his son and they spend lots of time together. When we hang out with our friends and their kids, he is so caring and he plays with them and talks to them... I see both happiness and sadness in his eyes. I know he wants us to have children. I want him to understand that it's time to move to the next step with our ttc. I don't want more fights and misunderstandings. I don't want infertility to drive a wedge in my marriage. I don't want to ruin the family I have now over the family I may never have. I just want us to be on the same page.

Go on your own. Then you can tell him that the doctor needs him to come in and provide a sample for analysis. The fact that he was fertile more than six years ago means nothing.

I'm so sorry you’re going through this! I can't say I understand how your husband is acting. Luckily me and hubby were on the same page in our ttc journey. But I can say that I do understand not being able to conceive when you want it so badly. I was the issue for us. I had IVF in May. I’ve got pregnant but m/c in June… Then again IVF in August, but the cycle failed. So now our next step is ivf using donor eggs. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I'm sure your husband doesn’t want to go out of fear. He's scared that there's something wrong that may not be fixed. I agree that the fact that he was fertile more than six years ago means nothing. And as ridiculous as it sounds men have so much more trouble excepting if there the problem. They feel less masculine I know it's ridiculous. I feel terrible that I can't give my husband a baby. I cry often that maybe he should leave me and find someone who could give him what I can't. Sometimes it seems ridiculous to feel this way… He constantly reassures me that would never happen… But sometimes I feel so bad… So stressed and depressed… Especially after mc and last ivf failure… I feel like why he should stop himself to be a father just because my body is broken. So I do understand being scared and nervous to know what the problem is. I really hope that you are able to convince your hubby to go. Maybe just ask him if he go as support for you. Maybe then he will hear the specialist and see that it's not that big of a deal. Maybe then he'll be willing to allow them to test on him. I hope someone who was in your shoes will give you some hints or tricks how to convince your dh. I wish you all the best hun! Pls tell us if there’s any progress.

Well the situation is complicated. I think it’s emotionally hard for both of you. He is either TTC for you or with you. It's a 2-way street. If he wants a biological child with you, he needs to be willing to play a part in the process. I think he’s also scared that there may be something wrong with him. Perhaps make him a compromise: he will get some routine, basic testing done and if everything comes back normal you’ll keep trying and think what to do next. Basic blood work panel (including testosterone levels) and a semen analysis. Those tests will give you both a clear picture of what you're dealing with. Even if he says "no" to that, try to explain that this is very important for both of you. Also, even if he's not going to be tested with you, he should still be at the appointment to provide emotional support. Also I think counseling can help. Tell him if he's not willing to get his sperm tested, you'll find some that you know works for sure. Just kidding, don't give him that ultimatum. But you definitely need to figure out if he really wants kids. Because it really seems he doesn’t… Even though “He loves his son and they spend lots of time together. When we hang out with our friends and their kids, he is so caring and he plays with them and talks to them... I see both happiness and sadness in his eyes.” If he's not willing to discuss alternatives in the event he refuses testing and you can't get pg naturally, then... He's not really interested in being a father. I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of the time, with guys, it's such a self-esteem and security issue. God forbid they get told they're "lacking" in the masculinity dept. If we reassure them enough that we will love them and think they're sexy no matter what the semen analysis says, most of the time they bite the bullet and do it. Even if you are unable to have a baby, the awkwardness and struggle of trying is not for nothing. There is some comfort in knowing that you at least tried. Otherwise all you are left with is regret and wondering about what might have been. And that pain lasts longer than the embarrassment after going to a doctor and doing some tests. Good luck sis. I hope you’ll find ways to convince your dh.

Hi OP! First of all I want to say that I’m so sorry you can’t conceive. I have been TTC for years. I totally understand what you are going through. This’s sad that your dh refuse to visit a specialist. But you should do everything possible to convince him! You’re right, there’s no time to waste. You have to do something. If your dh won't talk to his GP about infertility, do your best not to be angry or upset, however frustrated you feel. Men often hate asking for advice about this. Instead try to find out why he doesn't want to go. He'll probably have many worries, but the biggest will be the fear of it being his "fault" that you're not getting pregnant. He may also be afraid that he won't be able to produce a sperm sample, or worried about a stranger judging or scoring him. It's easy to associate infertility with impotency. If fact, they're unrelated. If your partner can keep an erection, then he's not impotent. But that doesn't rule out the possibility that he has a fertility problem. Reassure your partner that his GP will mostly want to find out about his medical history or any lifestyle factors that may be causing a fertility problem. You could also offer to go with him, as infertility is a problem best coped with together.