How to tell a struggling friend about my pregnancy?
MonkeyToucher · 19/09/2018 13:27
Hi ladies, I hope this isn’t an insensitive place to post but I really need some advice.
I have a friend at work who confided that she is starting her fifth and final round of ivf in September (I don’t know exactly when). Her and her partner have been trying for 8 years but can’t afford any more tries after this.
I am 16 weeks pregnant and as it’s my second I am starting to show already. I feel like it would be better to tell her rather than risk bumping into her and it being obvious, but if she’s mid cycle I really don’t want to upset her! Is it better to leave it a few weeks so she will know if her ivf has been successful? Should I email her? Ask her for a coffee? We don’t directly work together and usually catch up every couple of months.
I’d really appreciate some advice as to the most sensitive way to tell her. I know it’s probably going to be really hard for her however I do it, just want to protect her feelings as much as I can!
HappyHedgehog247 · 19/09/2018 13:32
I can only speak for myself. I’d rather hear by email or text or phone rather than face to face so I don’t have to manage my own feelings while also showing my happiness to you. (I am genuinely happy for friends and simultaneously unhappy for me). I don’t enjoy pity while at same time don’t like people pretend it’s not happening. She may also feel a bit weird if she’s been confiding in you but you haven’t been sharing in return. So perhaps something like
‘Hi friend, I wanted to let you know I’m pregnant as we’ve now had the scan and are starting to tell people. I am wishing so much the same for you in your IVF and will be thinking of you’.
That’s a bit rubbish-am sure others will have better suggestions!
Botanica · 19/09/2018 13:45
It's a really difficult situation so it's good to hear you are thinking sensitively about it.
I would leave it as long as you can, but don't let her be the last to know if you're starting to share your news with others at work.
I agree not to do it F2F. Also make sure she doesn't get your message right before a major meeting or when she needs to be in front of people. Appreciate the fact it may well hit her hard and she needs some time to process.
I think you could preface your news by something along the lines of 'I know there's no ideal time to share this, but I wanted to let you that I am expecting... '
Please don't be like my friend who cruelly decided to text me about her pregnancy in immediate response to my devastated message that I was currently miscarrying. I learnt about her baby at the very point I was losing and passing out mine.
Also think about ongoing sensitivities (and I'm sure you will as you sound like a thoughtful friend), such as wafting around your scan photos and such whilst she's around.
Good luck and hope it goes well. It's a difficult moment but your ability to handle it carefully will make the world of difference to her and your friendship going forward.
hoping2018 · 19/09/2018 16:39
Completely agree - message via text/email etc - just not face to face. Also time if for when she'll be home with support (if you can) like a late Sunday afternoon. So she can agave a good cry in private and then reply to you with a brave face.
I'd also leave up to her to make contact / I found it harder seeing pregnant people than new babies and avoided like the plague. Nothing personal!
PurpleDaisies · 19/09/2018 19:33
There are lots of threads on this and the overwhelming majority of people who are actually struggling with infertility want to be told by text/email. I’d say to tell her ASAP if you might see her.
It doesn’t really matter about the IVF. You won’t be able to pick a good time and it won’t make the process any worse.
You sound like a lovely friend.
Ohluckyme · 20/09/2018 08:26
Absolutely agree do not tell her face to face. Send her a text after work so she is home and can grieve in private.
TammySwanson · 20/09/2018 13:03
Yes, definitely tell her by text or email. Also I would say that it would be best to tell her asap - definitely before she knows the outcome of the IVF cycle. The worst possible scenario (imo) would be her IVF cycle fails and then she she learns about your pregnancy, at least tell her at a point where's there's hope that it might work.
EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 13:24
I agree with telling her by text or email. I’d also say tell her as soon as possible and before she knows the outcome of her IVF cycle. Even if she started the cycle at the very beginning of September she’s unlikely to know the outcome now (even if she’s on the short protocol). I completely agree with Tammyswanson that the worst scenario would be for her cycle to fail and her to then learn of your pregnancy.
MonkeyToucher · 20/09/2018 14:06
Thanks so much everyone for your help. I will text her tonight (she doesn’t work on Fridays) so she can process over the weekend. Then I will wait for her to initiate contact next week if she wants to but will be prepared for the fact she may need to avoid me for a while.
Seriously, thanks for all being so nice
DianaBlythe · 20/09/2018 15:58
I would agree tell her ASAP. I think it would be better now than if this final cycle has just failed.
I also hated the thought that my best friends who would normally tell me early were keeping things from me because they were worried about my emotional response. Obviously that’s very thoughtful but it made me feel sad and as if I was defective. I’ve always been happy for all my friends.
Ohluckyme · 20/09/2018 19:33
Good luck, let us know how you get on.
Expect not to see her for a while and don’t be offended if that’s the case.
You’re a great friend x
Guio · 20/09/2018 19:42
I have lived 7 pregnancies in my office for the last 2 years.My boss who is the only one childless and knows about my IVF said that she hasn't seen anything like this in her life in such a small office and she understands I don't want to look at them, specially the belly.one of my friends there who is the last one pregnant has become invisible for me but she hasn't mentioned anything to me so I guess she realised that I am suffering.i can't wait for her to give birth and leave the office so don't have to see her again.Am I being selfish?maybe but my emotions come first...anyway coming back to the subject yes tell her as soon as possible before she finds out! 😋
Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 19:46
You've had great advice already so I won't repeat.
As someone who went through all sorts I'd just like to say how much I imagine she would be grateful for your sensitivity and compassion.
EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 21:54
I’ve just realised to my horror that there are 13 replies to your post before a single person has congratulated you. That’s a sad reflection on how horrific, traumatic and all consuming infertility is (and it’s definitely not because we’re all horrible here).
I feel very bad not to have congratulated you on your pregnancy as you sound like a lovely sensitive friend which is why you’re asking us for our advice in the first place.
DianaBlythe · 20/09/2018 22:03
You sound completely lovely. Hope it went ok and of course congratulations!!
Poppylizzyrose · 20/09/2018 22:16
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! I had a similar situation early into my pregnancy with a friend who’d had 2 miscarriages recently both just before 12 week scan. The circumstances were different as she has 3 children already but I felt I had to wait as she was so upset about her miscarriages and had been desperate for a baby. You’ve done the right thing seeking advice. Really good idea to do it over text or email, and do add that you know it will be difficult for her. I spoke to a new father whose in a tricky situation, he’s on a foster to adopt list. I took him round our mothercare store and helped him keep a clear head buying plain essentials.
He’d had such a journey to get there, ivf failures, waiting two years to get on list all the training you have. Your life dissected to make sure your safe. I really felt for him, could see excitement in his eyes, and the worry that even if the newborn is placed it might be temporary.
Pregnancy is such a blessing none of us fortunate enough to be pregnant should take for granted.
With my PCOS and rare periods I didn’t think I stood a chance.
Anyway, it’s so good you’ve showed empathy and I hope she takes it as well as possible. Xxx
Ohluckyme · 21/09/2018 06:49
EarlGreyT infertility threads are the one place we don’t have to congratulate pregnant women. It’s not an insult, it’s just that this is a safe space where we don’t have to put on a front, like we have to in real life.
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