Feeling sad and desperate

[xBecky81x]

Hi all,
I know there are lots of people in a similar position so was hoping for some positive stories or words of encouragement...
I’m 36 and have been ttc with my current partner for 10 months. I have known endometriosis (since I was 23) and have had 3 laparoscopies so far and a lap and dye test from 5 years ago which confirmed no real issues or reasons why I shouldn’t get pregnant. I did ttc with my ex husband at that time for 2 years with no success either (and he had left me for someone at work before I could get any further with treatment which is another story... )

I’m waiting for a semen analysis appointment for my partner before I can receive any further help. He has 2 older kids already and I’m 99% sure the issue is me anyway.

I keep it together pretty well when my period arrives but this month I stupidly convinced myself I was pregnant as my period was 4 days late and I had all the imaginary symptoms that I thought meant I was. This month I just totally lost it and couldn’t help crying for hours. I feel like a fool for believing I was pregnant after so many years of disappointment and never having seen a positive test. My partner tries to comfort me but I know having a baby for him would be nice but not something he is desperate for like me.

Does anyone feel they are not worthy if they are not a Mum? I try not to think like this but feel like a major part of me is missing and that somehow this is my fault. I also have the well meaning friends that tell me to get drunk and it will happen or that they weren’t even trying when it happened for them. I don’t want my life to be defined by sadness at not being a mum and feel a little lost and sad at the moment. Thanks for reading this far!

Hope you are ok, you are definitely in the right place on here for advice about this. Have you been referred to a fertility clinic then now or are you in the process? You need to have all your blood tests done to get a clearer picture of how you are as a whole.

There's lots you can do personally to increase your fertility i.e a really really good diet for 90 days prior to conceiving as this is the time when your eggs come 'into the arena' and everything you do can affect them.

I have no experience of endo but somebody on here will I'm sure. I can relate to your feelings though about having no children and the feelings of the whole world seeming to be turning and you're just stood still 😐 but don't worry you can get good advice on here x

@itonlytakesone thank you for your kind words. Yes I’ve had my blood tests (nothing untoward) so just waiting for the next appointment. It seems to take a few months for each appointment so just a waiting game. I’ve never really thought that much about diet but it certainly can only help I guess and I will look into it more. I definitely take all the correct supplements and vitamins just in case. I hope you are doing ok too. How do you manage to stay positive if you don’t mind me asking? x

Yes definitely look into diet, i was really good in the 6 month lead up to my ivf research foods to aid fertility and cut down on alcohol and anything bad for you - rubbish i know! 🙈.

How did i stay positive? Well that wasn't easy, Iv had really upsetting times when other people announced their pregnancies ect and just felt like I'd missed my chance and it was never going to happen. I was very upset but then i thought to myself.. No i just can't be like this? It's not going to help!

So researched loads and probably went to extreme of how i could help myself with books, vitamins, my diet but then it's a focus and was on a mission!! Thinking positive is really the only way. There is a book called 'it all starts with the egg' which a lot of people recommended Iv got that too- Amazon sell it

Thanks again. Lots of positive advice and things for me to go away and read up on. You are so right... I can either cry and feel sad and not get anywhere or be positive and put my energy into making myself as healthy as possible. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me, thank you. Have a good rest of the day

Hi @xBecky81x I just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm the same age as you, going through IVF (unexplained infertility and first cycle ended in miscarriage), and completely understand those feelings you describe. It's just totally natural to have days when you feel wretched, even if you are trying to be positive. If you end up having IVF or other fertility treatment, I just wanted to reassure you: I actually felt more anxious and desperate when I was at your stage of 'just' TTC and awaiting tests than I did when we got started on treatment, even though I had been dreading that before then.

Obviously, you are completely worthy as a human being without being a mum, but I think it's a very common thing for your self esteem to be massively damaged by this process. Have you considered counselling? It might really help you get through this bit and manage the difficult days more easily. Hope you get your baby soon

@orangefolly thank you so much. It really helps to talk to people who understand how I feel. I think I try to bury how I feel most of the time for fear of making others feel uncomfortable. My partner listens when I get upset but (as horrible as this sounds) I don’t think he can really understand how it makes me feel because he has two kids already and having another child for him would be nice but not something he is desperate for.

Counselling is a great idea and I know it can help put things into perspective. Just talking to a few of you on here has made me feel so much better and I am very grateful.

I’m really sorry to hear things didn’t work out at the first attempt. I truly hope everything works out for you too soon and thanks again for being so kind x