Daughter asked me for a sister

[Bubblegum89]

We’ve been ttc for two years with no luck. Not even a hint of a bfp. After doing every fertility test possible, we were told there’s nothing wrong with us and there’s no obvious reason I can’t get pregnant.

I got pregnant with my DD when I was 18 and on the pill (I missed one). I have been pregnant a second time, again after one missed pill. Having been off contraception for two years and not even getting a single bfp, I think it’s pretty obvious given my past fertility history that something is wrong and it seems unlikely I will have another child.

My daughter has never been interested in babies or even really mentioned siblings. But a few days ago, she asked me for a sister. She knows I’m infertile although doesn’t fully understand what that entails. She told me that she really wants me to have a baby because she’s lonely. It broke my heart. All of her friends have siblings, I can’t actually think of any other child in her class that is an only child.

I tried making out like having siblings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and they’re annoying and steal your stuff and that kind of thing. In a jokey way. I grew up with two sisters and we drove each other crazy. I just hate it because she has no idea how much I want to give her a sibling but I can’t.

She asked could we adopt (she knows about adoption as my cousins are both adopted). We can’t even do that because to adopt, we would have to have a separate bedroom for another child which we don’t have. We currently rent as we can’t afford to buy at the moment and renting a three bedroom house is very expensive round here. We can’t afford IVF either and obviously we aren’t entitled to any NHS funding because we have DD. So there are zero options and she is going to be an only child forever.

I just feel so guilty. I know it’s not my fault but I hate knowing that she feels sad and lonely. I try to make sure we do a lot of stuff together, a lot of it perhaps we wouldn’t be able to do with a baby in tow, but it still makes me sad. And I know that some people try for a long time before they fall pregnant but they get there eventually but I just don’t see that on the cards for us.

Anyway, sorry for ranting, I just needed to vent somewhere. My partner doesn’t know what my DD said to me because I know it would break his heart too and he’s already on anti-depressants because of all of this. So thank you for reading if you did

Hi @bubblegum, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Not being able to give your child a sibling is heartbreaking, no question. It sounds like you're such a loving mum to dd, she probably had no idea how sad it makes you to hear all that. How did you tell her about your infertility? I'm getting to a point where i think ill have to have that chat with my dd. She's only 3 but has started asking questions and i have no idea what to say.

So just a hand hold from me, feel free to vent more, and i hope you get some helpful comments from others x

One option that might be open to you would be egg share IVF. This is obviously a big thing, since of you were to go down this route you'd have to be comfortable with the idea of donating some of your eggs, and that's not for everyone. But if it's something you would want to do, you'd potentially be able to access free IVF.

Regarding your daughter, though, please try not to feel guilty or that this is something you're depriving her of. Children want lots of things that their parents can't always give them, and that's OK. You sound like an awesome mum, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Best of luck!

My best advice is to explain every time she mentions it that she has cousins instead (which are her family like siblings are). Then show her pictures of her cousins and talk about them. Maybe let her Skype with them to build up that relationship.

Thanks ladies. I just sort of said that I can’t have any more babies and that we did try but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I can’t really give her a reason as to why because we don’t have a reason, being unexplained. She was never bothered about having a sibling until my sister had a baby in Feb and my DD adores her and I think that being around a baby a lot has made her think about having a baby here with us.

I try not to feel too guilty because it’s not like we’re refusing, it just won’t happen and I know we tried our best. She seemed a little deflated after I explained to her that she can’t have a sibling but when I said to her that at least she has us all to herself and doesn’t have to share her time and attention with anyone else, she seemed a little better. Plus her baby cousin lives nearby and we see her a lot so I said she gets the best of both worlds. She gets to play and help with a baby but then she can also go home and not have a baby taking over the house.

She’s a very sensitive little thing and it’s hard for me to know that I can’t give her the one thing she wants but I’m trying to compensate for that in other ways.

In terms of egg sharing, I have actually looked into it and there’s a clinic by me that does rounds of IVF for £1000 in return for donated eggs. The idea of IVF scares me a bit, the whole process and side effects with no guarantee at the end. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for it right now but it’s something I’m keeping as a potential option as in terms of finances it is literally the only possible way we can try and get pregnant now.

This all just really sucks. Sending love to all of you

It's shit isn't it. DD does this every so often and I just say 'some mum's can only have one baby and I have you'.

@bubblegum89 sorry you’re going through this lovely, it’s so shit and unfair. I’m dreading the day DD asks for a sibling. Have you looked at any IVF abroad with egg share? It’s usually a lot cheaper and they often have much better success rates than clinics here.

I’ve got some time off work now for a few weeks and I’m going to look into the logistics of IVF at either reprofit in Czech or the clinic in Madrid, depending on flights. I can PM you some info once I’ve got it all together if you want. I haven’t had the headspace to do this recently so making the most of some free time.

Sending loads of love your way xx

Can I ask how old you are? Given that you had your first at 18 or 19 and she sounds like she is still a young kid, I am guessing that you are still in your mid-20s. If that is the case and if you have been trying for only two years and if the clinic has not found any particular reasons suggesting infertility and if you have in fact conceived twice at previous dates... I would honestly suggest waiting a bit longer before taking any further steps, esp if you have financial reasons to try and avoid the need for IVF if possible.

I was in a similar situation at 30, tried to for two years, fertility clinic said there was nothing wrong.... I ended up conceiving just before we were due to start IVF. Sometimes things just take a while for the stars to align (I also think that some women's uteri just have overly stringent "quality control mechanisms" and tend to reject a lot of conceptions at an early stage...!).

You could always look into IVF and set yourself a goal for saving up some money over the course of, say, a year, and then take the plunge...?

Good luck.

Thanks june I did look into the IVF clinic in Cyprus but after factoring in flights/accommodation etc it became too expensive. Lots of luck on finding somewhere though, got my fingers crossed for you!

kokeshi my DD is 10, I’m almost 30. I know that I do still have age on my side which is a good thing. I think if I hadn’t conceived twice in the past so easily then I wouldn’t have written myself off just yet but the fact I missed a pill twice and both times fell pregnant and then not being on any contraception for two years and having sex exactly when I’m ovulating and getting nothing has just planted this seed that it’s not going to happen again because why would it all of a sudden be so difficult? I think in terms of IVF, if I did go for it, I would want to wait a while. The only thing that bothers me about waiting and maybe just carrying on ttc naturally for another year or so is the fact that my daughter is already ten and that age gap is getting bigger and bigger every month that passes without me falling pregnant.

I wish they told us stuff like this in school instead of just telling us that if you have unprotected sex you’ll get pregnant!

You could get your partner sperm tested and also do some basic fertility tests. There could be structural reasons etc and you may not actually need IVF.