Feeling very low and left behind

[Blankspace4]

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 5 years. I no longer feel ‘relevant’ as for the majority of my friends (and colleagues, be they male or female) their children are unapologetically their lives. It’s affecting my confidence and I feel very alone. Even if I avoid conversation with people I’m reminded everywhere, be in on TV or my favourite magazines definitely have a family bias and I have got to the stage where I stop reading an article because I just can’t relate to / feel so sad and angry about missing out. The anger is becoming an issue but I internalise it and then feel exhausted. I don’t enjoy spending time around families (I have tried, for a number of years, but I don’t want to look after other people’s kids whilst they pity me, knowing the circumstances). So I have started avoiding making plans because all my friends are “mums” and it sounds harsh but that’s now the dominant part of their personality. I feel like it’s a club I’ll never be a member of. I’m now getting to an age and a set of circumstances where treatment options are running out and I’m facing a childless life. I worry for my relationship and what the point of my life is into my 40s and 50s if there is no family in it.

Has anyone else felt this way and any tips for overcoming this?

Hello, I didn't want to read and run.I have only tried for 2 years but I could see myself in your situation as I think a lot about the future...not that I am going to face an IVF treatment I really think what the future will bring and I am very negative about it.i don't know what your situation is but I assume you have tried IVF after 5 years of trying.have you though of other options like donor?I can't imagine living a life without children and as you I am not very well mentally as I am angry with others with children, I avoid them.it is like I am angry with the world in general

Ahh I couldn’t read this and not reply. I just wanted to say please don’t give up hope as you never know what the future holds. I felt the same dispair so I know how you feel. I also had no choice but to remove myself from certian situations as I found them to difficult (birthday parties, christinings, baby showers) my true friend totally understood and were supportive, these people are the ones you need through this lonely and depressing time. We made a little list of everywhere we wanted to visit if it was just the two of us and places we wanted to see and try your best to enjoy your relationship as you are both in this together and your partner knows exactly how you are feeling as he is feeling it too. I hope things work out for you I really do. Lots of hugs xx

Blankspace, do you have an interesting job? It's so important to have something you can really throw yourself into.

Sorry you're feeling like this. It's thoroughly depressing when people are racing ahead with their families and we are left behind.

I've got no answers I'm still very much bitter for my own situation and wish I could move on from trying.

That’s heartbreaking to read and I’m very sorry for you. I struggled for a while with getting pregnant and then miscarriages. I can only imagine how you must feel. Life can be cruel.
But, if that life isn’t meant to be then you are entirely relevant in your own being. I have no advice really I’m afraid. But I just wanted to say you’re brave to speak out and I honestly think you should make sure people are aware of how you feel. Don’t distance yourself and I hope you’re blessed xx

I'm on my first cycle, we have a male factor fertility issue and though the doctors say I'm at "high fertility potential" this has truly been the most difficult thing I've been through and the fear of it not working is scaring me to death, we don't have funds to go private and though I don't know what the future holds I'm learning to come to terms with the fact that my partner and I might not have children of our own.

We would love to adopt, still plan to if we have our own biological baby too. It's not easy at times, we are getting married next month and I know everyone will ask about when we'll have a baby and/or say "ooo next step is a baby" and I've managed to hide my bitterness and jealousy quite a bit.

Of course I'd love a mini version of my and my partner but I know I'm meant to be on this earth to be a mum and there are other ways for me to do.

Would you explore adoption or is it not something you would look into?

I can't be much help with solutions of how to overcome the yearning, because at the minute I'm still going through it all.

I hope this comment is helpful, I’m 60 and meet up with friends and family and at this stage people no longer discuss their children as much if at all.

Thanks all for your replies. Just knowing I’m not alone is incredibly helpful. I think this is very much a ‘phase of life’ thing. I think I need to work on my self worth not linked to (not) being a ‘mummy’ - that includes amending my social circles if only temporarily.

Well said

Your worth and happiness don't need to be dependent on being a mum. I know that's hard though. I have been trying for nearly 3 years and worry that I'll keep carrying this bitterness with me.
Recently I'm telling myself that the child will come when it is ready and that might be never and I can find meaning in that suffering and still have a life worth living.
It's really hard and you're not alone.

Hi blankspace
I could easily have written your post especially I feel like it’s a club I’ll never be a member of .

And not feeling relevant. I dont feel like i fit in anywhere anymore. Everyone around me has children and had them young. I dont feel like i can contribute to conversations involving children as i have no personal experience.

The difference is its 4 years ttc/ infertility for me.

I had a miscarriage over 4 years ago no pregnancy since. I had one funded cycle of ivf earlier this year which failed. My DH wont entertain any further ivf fertility treatment or talk about it

I dont have any tips as since the ivf i feel the ability i had to cope for the years leading up i seem to have lost. I dont know how much all the recent birth/pregnancy announcements contribute to my feelings.

We had the failed ivf cycle in march. Since april its been 6, 3 were all within the same month one a week after the other. All within the family no wider circle or aquaintances. One announcement will be near enough the same dates of the baby i miscarried.
Another were going through fertilty treatment also. So happy for them but sad im left behind.

Im writing a reply so you know you are not alone . One thing i will say and i dont know if you do go on social media but i would consider taking a break. Or snoozing/
unfollowing people you know are going to post things to make you feel even more sad and isolated.

Something that has helped apart from posting on here is counselling which i recieved free as part of my treatment. That was the one silver lining to having the treatment.

The free sessions are coming to an end and i have been looking at finding another fertility counsellor and services recommended while using a fertility based website. I wont post on here in case its advertising. I can pm you if you wanted any further details.

I wish you well and sending you strength and it really is so crappy.
Xxx

Sorry to hear you’re also feeling this way, herewegoagain.

I have considered the social media thing and did temporarily do it a while back with Facebook (ie delete it) but tbh it’s not just social media - it’s ALL media at this stage of life I feel is geared towards being a “mummy”. And so many conversations / interactions. I can’t cut the probability of being hurt out of my life without isolating myself fully and I can’t see that that’s the solution. I just don’t know, maybe I should try social media blackout again for a while. There is so much baby / child / “family fun” stuff on there.

I am in a particularly low place as I had a laparoscopy yesterday to remove a left sided hydrodalpinx that had also been causing a fair bit of pain only to wake up and be told they’d had to remove both tubes. IVF now the only option (and we are on a list for January) but it is a huge blow to be told I’ll never, ever be able to conceive naturally now. I didn’t expect that and had a glimmer of hope that removing the hydro would lead to that ‘magic’ conception people feeling sorry for you will tell you ‘a friend of theirs’ had.

We have the one funded cycle of IVF available so I’m placing hope on that (that said, I haven’t fully got my head around it yet). A throwaway comment made by someone (in the industry, although not my doctor and has no idea about my situation) was that “first cycles rarely take” - which scared me.

Anyway, long rambling post, I apologise. Sending hugs and hope, you are absolutely not alone either.

I felt this way. I had people that were single when we started trying for our first child, that were then married and pregnant and we were still trying. I remember every month my period arriving, going into the toilets at work or wherever I was, and crying. I was like this for about 6 months, and then I just decided I had to look at all the positive things in my life.

I thought about the freedom I had of not being tied down with a child, being able to go on lots of holidays, having a job that I liked and just being happy with every other aspect of my life apart from the TTC side. I also thought about the happy marriage I had (and still have), and that some mothers don't have and desperately want. I just really focused on the positive things in my life. I also stopped getting so upset over everyone else getting pregnant except me, because I didn't want their baby, I wanted my own. And I used to be around people who would be pregnant and moaning about it. I remember a girl I worked with (she knew we'd been trying for ages to fall pregnant), she fell pregnant and I remember her saying how she hated being pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, it still affected me, but I guess I just got a bit numbed to it after a while. I worked in a department that was dominated by women, who seemed to be on pregnancy relay. If one wasn't off on maternity leave, then one would be pregnant or both.

I got sick of the people that knew about us trying telling me to relax, it will happen, don't think about it. I literally thought about it every second of every day. It was always in the back of my mind.

My husband and I decided that we needed to think long-term about if we wanted to go down other routes if we couldn't have children of our own. We were on the IVF waiting list at this point anyway, and we decided that if I hadn't fallen pregnant in another 2 years from then and IVF hadn't worked, we'd think about adoption.

But when my 30th birthday was coming up, I remember saying to my husband that all I wanted for my birthday was a baby, and that if I can't have that, then I want a Links of London bracelet . I actually got both as I found out 2 weeks before my birthday that I was pregnant. That baby is now 6 years old.

So after 3.5 years of trying, it finally happened naturally, and when he was about 6 months old, I fell pregnant on our first month of trying for our second child. We were absolutely gobsmacked, but obviously over the moon.

So I know that you've been trying for longer than we were, but please don't give up hope. As for the "just relax, it'll happen" comments that you've probably heard at some point, we tried harder than ever the month we actually fell pregnant.

But maybe adoption is a route if things don't work out naturally for you. But good luck. I know how awful and painful long-term ttc can be x

@Blankspace4 my heart really goes out to u hun not in a pitying sense in a i can relate sense if that makes sense lol i know the fear you talk about its been 3yrs of ttc for us we ve been told if my tubes are fine we re on a waiting list for ivf. 12more months of waiting before it even starts! Ur right about the club thing i dnt talk to anyone in RL about it i dnt want the pity and the awkwardness. But i do get left out of conversations about kids i think most ppl assume i dnt like kids and im a bit cold cause i dnt have any..