So confused...when did you decide to try IVF again?

[ohbigdaddio]

Haven't posted on here for a while as I've had severe depression for the last few months, including suicidal thoughts at times, all brought on by the failure of our 2nd ET and all we've been through to get to that stage (several years of TTC and failing, tests, etc.) I have a history of depression and I knew that I was risking my mental health by going down the IVF route.

For the last few years all I have wanted is to get pregnant and have a family and it has been my focus and aim, slowly turning into feeling very desperate as time is running out (I'm 39) and I've never been pregnant in my life. My career has been neglected and when I've been very depressed I've been unable to work at all.

Our 2nd FET failed in April and this hit me extremely hard. I know people on here have been through more failures than this, but my mental health is pretty fragile and I don't seem to have inherited the 'resilience' gene so really couldn't cope with it. I'm now on medication for my depression which at last is working and 3 months on I feel quite a bit better and have been starting to get on with my life (something I've not really managed to do over the last few years, despite people telling me that's what I needed to do when initially TTC.) I'm beginning to enjoy work again and making plans with friends, holidays, social events etc. In my head I am getting on with my life and I feel I am silently sticking two fingers up at TTC, IVF, trying to have a baby and all the shit that has gone with that and saying 'f--- you, you've brought me nothing but unhappiness, I want nothing to do with you.'

I'm also recognising that when I feel mentally well my life is actually quite a good one as it is. Since April a couple of things have happened which have made me question if having a child is what I want – looking after our rather demanding, young niece for 24 hours and feeling utterly exhausted afterwards (and breathing a sigh of relief once she'd gone and we could get on with reading the Sunday papers!), plus hearing of a friend's extreme anxiety and PND after the recent birth of her much wanted 1st child which made me worry that I would probably suffer this too with my mental health history. Also I'm still attending ongoing counselling at the IVF unit and last time I sat in the waiting room thinking 'I don't want to be here any more, I'm so done with this!'

However, we have 1 FE left.

At the moment I just don't know how I can get my head into a place where I want to jump back into the IVF world of endless hoping and wishing, and the agony of failure. I know DH wants to use it but hasn't pressured me about when.

I keep thinking I'm over it but I know I'm not deep down as I am still avoiding pregnant friends and still feel heartbroken when I hear about people's new babies/pregnancies. I'm also avoiding sex with DH as I don't want any possibility of thinking I might be pregnant which leads to horrendous disappointment when it turns out I'm not (again.)

I'm a confused mess so if anyone has felt like me, how and when did you try again? Or did you decide it just wasn't for you anymore?

Thanks for posting ohbigdaddio
I think your post was very brave. To admit your questioning whether you actually still want kids is hard. I have felt similar as I've realised I have a very good life but the one rubbish thing in it is TTC and IVF.

My story is that I've had 2 fresh ivf cycles and 3 FET and an operation so far but each time cycle gets cancelled after being on full course of meds but before embryo transfer.

I find it very difficult to know whether my questioning whether I want kids is genuine or a self protection mechanism. How do you work this out??? Im planning another FET because i feel its expected of me (No pressure off my husband). Even when I spoke to consultant he was dismissive when I mentioned stopping ....but surely after 5 failed cycles I have to be realistic too?

Hi WorldTraveller1 I'm so sorry about all you have been through, it's so tough isn't it?

I find it very difficult to know whether my questioning whether I want kids is genuine or a self protection mechanism. How do you work this out??? This is exactly what I feel I'm going through and don't know if my current way of thinking is just to protect myself or is it what I really want?!

How do you feel about your next FET?

Exactly! I said this to my IVF counsellor but she was just like ' why can't you trust your own feelings?' ....But its not that simple!
Deep down if I'm honest with myself I know I'm not ok yet on giving up on the dream as I was absolutely floored this week to find out a friend in 12 weeks pregnant (her eldest is only 6 months). She wasn't even married when we started trying! It's not fair!

However somehow it helps for me to believe on some level that we will be ok if it doesn't work out. When I'm with my husband I believe we can have a good life without children but that belief gets shaken when I'm with my friends and their children.
Lots of people always say 'you mustn't give up' but then I feel like even more of a failure because I have thought of giving up. (And I already feel like enough of failure as issue is on my side)
Someone once said on here that IVF is like an expensive form of self harm. That's how I feel about next FET ....I know it will give me a glimpse of hope but will be very painful at the same time.
How are you feeling about yours?

Wow, I really relate to what you've said WorldTraveller1 I feel I could've written parts of your post myself. I even wonder if you're at the same hospital as me as my counsellor said the same to me!

I think deep down I feel the same as you. I'm definitely not ok with not having a child as I am avoiding friends with kids and dreading when the next pregnancy announcement will be. A friend is due to give birth soon and I think receiving her baby announcement in our What's App group is going to kill me. It is all so hard. And totally not fair!!!

I am the same – me and my husband do have a good life and a great relationship but as soon as we go to the park or out for the day somewhere we are faced with an onslaught of families – they seem to be absolutely everywhere!! And we (especially me) feel so 'other' and not part of the club. It's very isolating and we avoid going to friend's children's parties etc as it just too bloody painful. So, yeah, just writing this makes me see I do still want this really but I am so scared that the next FET will fail too and then where do we go from there?

Good luck with you FET. When do you plan to do it? We haven't properly discussed starting the FE cycle yet. My husband doesn't want to put any pressure on me and I'm reluctant to put myself through it all again. It's hard to go back to that place and that headspace when I feel like I'm just trying to get on with my life now. What made it even harder last time is that I have to do a medicated rather than a natural FE cycle, and this took 9 weeks in total from day 1 of the cycle to doing the pregnancy test. It was such a lot of time to put into wishing a hoping and then having it all completely dashed. But that embryo is there and I know deep down I can't leave it. It's just deciding when I am ready to use it!

When people say 'you mustn't give up' they really have no idea what it's like to go through and how unhelpful it is to say things like that.

If you decide to stop (rather than 'give up') then that is a completely valid decision and it isn't giving up. You've put yourself through so much, there has to come a time when enough is enough and you have done enough!

Saying that, I really hope you get your BFP this time. x

Just seen your other post......we are at same hospital! Guy's! It's a small world!
Is Tracey your counsellor? I do think she's very good. I think she finds me a bit of a challenge. I bottle everything up so much that I struggle to access my emotions even when I'm supposed to in a counselling session. I don't really know how to change that but I think it's only way I've coped and been able to carry on.

I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to go back to FET if you're not ready yet. Good you're not under pressure from your hubby.
We've got 4 frozen embryos but decided next FET will be our last if I don't get to embryo transfer.
I did medicated FETs but buserelin made me feel shit and gave me horrendous anxiety so I didn't down reg for last FET but just started other meds in 1st week of my cycle. Mr Khalaf was happy with that and made whole process so much quicker! May be you could ask if a similar plan would work for you?

Hi WorldTraveller1 what a small world - yes, Tracey is my counsellor! How funny! She is good but there's only so much she can say and I feel we've maybe exhausted the possibilities.

I may try that for our next FET. Will have to have a think. It is so exhausting and so many serious decisions to make.

Good luck and hope you FET works this time. Xx

Good luck you you too! Keep me posted on your progress!