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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Will he ever understand what I’ve given up?

24 replies

Mamfamonkey · 13/07/2018 07:42

First off I need to say that he is the love of my life, together 11 years, married for 4.

4 years since we started ttc, 3 years since we found out he has azoospermia. 2 years since he had the op and we have frozen sperm.

We jointly agreed not to do IVF. What I’ve not told him is that although the drug side of things is what really puts me off doing it, he is the reason I don’t want to do it.
He really doesn’t want to do IVF and adoption is out of the question.

This year, it seems everyone we know is having a baby (including my little sister) and if I get upset about it (which I do) his way of trying to make me feel better is by trying to remind me about the lovely life we have (ride motorbikes, go on holidays).

Like I said above, I do love him dearly I’m just scared that this is what will break us in the long run.

OP posts:

peachypetite · 13/07/2018 07:44

How about being honest with him?

greendale17 · 13/07/2018 07:51

What do you mean by he is the reason you don’t want to do it???

Lollypop701 · 13/07/2018 07:55

Talk! Why doesn’t he want to do ivf? It’s not all about him. Good luck op

Bananamanfan · 13/07/2018 07:56

I may be wrong, op, but it sounds like you have made a lot of decisions without him. You need to have a very honest conversation.

HumpHumpWhale · 13/07/2018 07:59

You have to be honest. If you spend your life secretly resenting him because he took away your chance at having kids, it will break you. Maybe you'll still not do it, but if you've been honest, you at least have a chance at a good relationship. I get that you're trying to protect his feelings but you have to be honest.

Babdoc · 13/07/2018 08:03

I’m a bit puzzled by you mentioning “ the drug side of things”, OP. If the infertility problem is purely down to DH’s low sperm count, then why can’t you just have sperm donation?
If you dtd with DH around the same time, there is always the possibility that it is actually his child, if he is not totally aspermic.
You seem to be making lots of assumptions about his views without actually asking him - if he realised what a big deal motherhood is for you, I imagine he would either give his consent for donor insemination or separate to allow you to meet a new partner?

Original poster

Mamfamonkey · 13/07/2018 08:09

I’m scared that if I’m honest he will push me away (thinking he is doing the right thing) and I will loose him and that’s the last thing I want.

I want my husband more than I want a baby but it doesn’t stop me from wanting both.

He already feels like a failure and I don’t want to be the person that adds to that because of how I feel.

I have more good days than bad and I only feel like this when I’ve been knocked by another announcement.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamfamonkey · 13/07/2018 08:14

He doesn’t want to do IVF because of the pressure mentally and physically on us both. He is scared it will break us as a couple and as people.

We don’t want to use donor sperm as I want to carry my husbands baby.

I’m not sure what decisions I’ve made without him.

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 13/07/2018 08:27

He doesn’t want to do IVF because of the pressure mentally and physically on us both. He is scared it will break us as a couple and as people.

You need to be honest with him. Could you say you are worried that not trying could also break you as a couple?

Your feelings are valid and you should be able to express them.

Kintan · 13/07/2018 08:43

This is a really hard situation. How old are you OP? Do you need to start having a conversation with him soon, or do you have a few years
to resolve your feelings one way or another with out having the possibility of motherhood taken from you through the passing of time?

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 13/07/2018 08:48

I know very little about ivf.
But should you not research the process a bit more?
If the infertility is his & not yours, then once the fertilised egg is implanted, then surely you are pregnant?
I thought they had the technology now to select sperm and inject the “best” individual one.

Don’t give up yet. You need counselling on your own to share your fears and good infertility advice for you both as a couple

ellesbellesxxx · 13/07/2018 08:58

I had ivf. Yes it’s hard but.. we worked through it as a team. We planned a weekend away for after the test day so that whatever happened we would deal with it
together.

Original poster

Mamfamonkey · 13/07/2018 08:59

I’m 31, so in between stages of needing to make a desicion but also having a bit of time on my side.

I agree that I should talk to him but I’m scared of it causing him to pull away from me and that is the last thing I want.

I just wish I could turn my feelings off sometimes.

OP posts:

ellesbellesxxx · 13/07/2018 08:59

Posted too soon. He has got through one of the hardest parts already and there is a lot of support on hand from
Your clinic, counselling etc x

IStillMissBlockbuster · 13/07/2018 09:36

Why do you want to ignore your own feelings in favour of his? You are a person in your own right who has her own feelings! This is normal, right and proper. Don't diminish yourself.

The answer to all of this of course is to tell him all of this. That you want to try. That you're scared of what might happen and that you love him. Millions of couples get through IVF. That might not be the thing that threatens the relationship. You pretending that your beings don't matter, then possibly realising that they fucking do and having massive regret could wreck your marriage.

TheArtfulScreamer · 13/07/2018 11:13

I'm sure you've valid reasons for making the decisions you've made, I to am firmly in the no camp for both adoption and sperm donation. However I have just had IVF and after dreading the idea of it and worrying about the effect it would have on me as an individual and us as a couple. I can now honestly say I don't know what I worried about and in all honesty if money was no object I'd not give multiple rounds a second thought. I loathed the idea of self injecting but this was the easiest part of the process, the scans were less uncomfortable than a smear, egg collection was more straightforward than having a tooth out and egg transfer was similar to a smear. I didn't experience any particular side effects other than now I've a touch of what feels like thrush from the cyclogest pessaries. IVF is like a lot of things in life don't knock it until you've tried it. It is a six week period which in the grand scheme of things especially in an 11 year relationship which reading between the lines I'm guessing is reasonably strong and stable it's not a long time. If you're feeling like you are I'd maybe give IVF a rethink, speak to others about there experience, maybe even go to an open night at a clinic and speak to your DH.
I totally understand your fears but we TTC for 5 years and that didn't break us, my dad died suddenly and I was bereft with grief and that didn't break us we have also faced other relationship trials and survived and I'm not naive enough to believe our marriage is superior to yours or anyone else's we are just a normal couple probably just like you and your DH.

wombats · 13/07/2018 17:16

Apologies if I'm misunderstanding the original post. It sounds like you have frozen sperm, are you able to use that for IUI?

AliceScarlett · 15/07/2018 18:09

Him being risk averse shouldn't mean you have to give up on having a baby?!
What about when one of you gets ill and/or your parents die? He can't avoid stress forever. Maybe he doesn't actually want a child?

hoping2018 · 15/07/2018 18:16

I also don't understand - you imply you have frozen sperm so you could do IUI and never even take any drugs?

The question is does the stress and unhappiness of never having tried fertility treatment outweighs th stress and unhappiness of going through it?

I'm 11/40 with my second ICSI cycle for severe MFI where in the end we had to surgically remove the sperm. Very hard experience but completely worth it and I think it brought us much much closer together. My husband and I have never been so good - not saying this to rub it in!! But sometimes you don't know until you try. I'd do it all again several times more if needed

sproodlemummy · 15/07/2018 18:32

OP I really do feel for you, however you are stronger & more resilient than you know! Right now you are thinking of all the things that can go wrong, but how about it thinking of the the things that can go right!

IVF is brutal, difficult & does push you to your limits but if it works it will all be worth it.

I have gone through 4 rounds of IVF, had mild OHSS, a blighted Ovum, nasty food poisoning after our 2nd round of IVF that put me in hospital but the very worst of all was our niece dying last year of SIDS. We’ve been through the worst that life can throw at us but we still love & adore each other. We have 6 frozen embryo’s left so we’re not totally out of the game but we won’t do anymore fresh rounds of IVF.

Do I regret the IVF? No I don’t as the what if’s would have eaten me away from the inside, which I suspect is what is happening to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do xxx

Original poster

Mamfamonkey · 15/07/2018 21:04

Azoospermia means no sperm in the ejeculate. He had to have surgery of the testicles to find sperm which if he didn’t want children he wouldn’t have gone through as it was not a very nice surgery to go through.

We would have to do ICSI if we went down the route of IVF.

Thank you to the ladies who have said they understand. I don’t expect everyone to know where my feelings are coming from.

We have talked and I’m sure we will keep on talking.

OP posts:

Blueroses99 · 15/07/2018 21:28

For me, being infertile and childless was much MUCH more stressful and put our relationship under more pressure than the IVF process itself.

Perhaps look into counselling, separately and then perhaps joint because resentment can be fatal to a relationship in the long term and your husband really needs to understand how you feel.

Waterdropsdown · 15/07/2018 21:49

Honestly I found the pressure and stress of actually being infertile way worse than actual IVF. If the sperm is frozen then your husband doesn’t need to even do anything else. Does he know this?

I guess before you do IVF it seems so alien and weird but then you read about how normal it is via forums such as this and fertility friends. I make a conscious effort to drop iVF into conversations with people to try and normalise the process and make it less scary to just a few people (if everyone who had ivf did this the world would be better educated).

Can you really allow yourself to keep wondering what if we tried it? You are right though you are relatively young so have some time to decide.

hoping2018 · 15/07/2018 22:16

Hi @Mamfamonkey

When I said I didn't understand I meant re: the frozen sperm not what you're going through. It's an incredibly hard situation and there won't be an easy answer.

We got told to start thinking about donor conception and my DH couldn't get his head round it where for me it was a no brainer. We were also told or chance of success per ivf cycle was 5-10%. So I understand it's a shit position to be in. Fortunately we didn't have to explore this further but the stress of infertility for me was much worse than the hormones of ivf.

By far my biggest comfort the. Whole way through was knowing I was doing everything I could and I wouldn't give up on my journey to become a Mum. I was fortunate my DH was just as keen on becoming a parent. However your partner has been through so much already - why have the surgical sperm retrieval to not go ahead with ivf? It feels like you're half way there and everything's gotten a bit much - as others suggest maybe go to counselling? It helped me.

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