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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Ladies I need your help

14 replies

Cariadxx · 12/07/2018 10:33

My best friend is struggling to conceive. Currently in the middle of ivf cycle 4. We also struggled but have managed to conceive naturally and I'll be 12 weeks next Tuesday so getting to the point where we'll be telling people.
My question is..... How would you want to be told? Face to face? Over a text so you can cry in private. (I think this one is better). Or another way? She is a very good friends and I know this will be like a dagger to the stomach for her so I want to do it as sensitively as possible.

OP posts:

shonkyklingonmakeup · 12/07/2018 10:34

A text so she can get her feelings out of the way and be happy for you when she sees you. (it's what I preferred, anyway)

EarlGreyT · 12/07/2018 10:40

Text so she can address her feelings before responding. Definitely not face to face as she’s likely to feel she has to put on a brave face.

Do you know where abouts she is in her IVF cycle? If possible I would definitely avoid your telling her coinciding with any of egg collection, fertilisation results, embryo transfer or the results of her cycle as these are often the most stressful and upsetting parts of ivf.

Original poster

Cariadxx · 12/07/2018 10:42

Thanks this is what i thought would be best. I know when her ivf dates are so yes cam avoid them although I'm hoping she'll get good news before i need to tell her mine!

OP posts:

hoping2018 · 12/07/2018 14:21

Definitely text and send it when you know she's at home and ideally with partner there to support her - my sister text me whilst I was at work when she knew I was just starting an awful day and just as I started my first cycle - it was horrible and I think she just didn't think about me which still upsets me now (despite being 11 weeks pregnant)

Another friend waited until I went on holiday to tell me via text and said she deliberately waited until my holiday as she knew I'd be upset. - don't point out they're going to be upset and that you've gone out fo your way to text at. "Considerate" time - this want helpful either!

I'm not sure there's any good way to hear someone else is pregnant when you're facing infertility. I felt better hearing people's news if they'd given me a heads up they were trying so it wasn't a bolt out of the blue.

I'm happy to say I'm now pregnant - I've one friend who is mid ivf and might have been upset but she's known all the way along as we've shared all our stages of the process. She did say she might speak to me less as she finds it hard - and I said I completely 100% understand - be prepared for her to push you away. Don't take it personally.

Good luck xx

Original poster

Cariadxx · 12/07/2018 17:16

Thanks. She knows we're trying ambs have struggled a bit too although we don't have any underlying health issues like she does so it won't be out of the blue. Tbh it's taken me until now to truly believe it and I Won't rest easy until I know the scam is normal.

OP posts:

WonderfulWonders · 12/07/2018 17:20

No phone her!!! Get to the point, acknowledge that it'll be a shock and she'll be hurt and then keep the call quick.

hoping2018 · 12/07/2018 17:37

If you scroll through previous mumsnet infertility boards this question has been asked a lot - the general consensus from the forums is most would prefer texts. But obviously if you know her well you may feel a phone call is better x

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2018 17:42

Don’t phone her or do it face to face.

Text is always the best way for this sort of thing. I wouldn’t wait for her ivf results in case it doesn’t work. It’s betted to tell her now.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2018 17:44

I also wouldn’t say anything about knowing she will be hurt or find it hard news etc. That just highlights that you can’t even respond in a normal way to people’s happy pregnancy news.

Just keep it short and factual. If she knows you’re trying she’ll already be expecting/dreading an announcement. Don’t take it personally if she needs some space.

Congratulations by the way.

NoNotheresnolyrics · 12/07/2018 17:45

Absolutely a text. My work colleague told me to my face a few weeks after I suffered an ectopic. It still haunts me now. Horrible and humiliating experience. You’re lovely to be so thoughtful. Congrats on your pregnacy xxx

WonderfulWonders · 12/07/2018 21:05

Well OP this thread just goes to show how different we all are.

I'd have been (and was!) devastated when told by text. It really hurt me that good friends couldn't face me to do it in a more personal fashion.

Op you know your friend best.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2018 21:12

I’d be surprised if if was that they “couldn’t face you”, wonder. They probably wanted to give you space to react without feeling like you had to put on a brave face.

Sorry you’re also in this shitty position.

NoNotheresnolyrics · 12/07/2018 21:26

WonderfulWonders sorry to went through that 💐 I guess what this thread tells us is there’s no good way to tell a person who is suffering from infertility. It’s just a shit situation for all involved xx

Original poster

Cariadxx · 18/07/2018 00:34

Well we had our scan yesterday but I also know she was due to do a pg test yesterday. I've no idea of the result but I won't be telling her our news until the weekend to give her time to get over any initial anguish and also so she's not in work. I think I will text her, but I'll check she's at home first.

OP posts:

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