Where do we go from here?

[Ginger951]

Quick bit of background first.
Both me and hubby are 27, in otherwise good health. We always suspected we would have problems and had discussed what we thought we would do. I have always been a believer that those that can't are simply meant to adopt and love those that have no one to love them.
18 months ago we started trying to conceive and 6 months later tests showed that my husband has a low sperm count of only 6.5million, 95% abnormality, 5% mobility. Natural conception was out. My tests have all come back without any issue, we have done our research found a clinic abroad we like and two local to us(with viewings booked) and we have booked to go to open evenings with our local councils adoption team.

Problem is I don't know what to do. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that its just not happening. Both our families know and consistently ask when we are going for treatment, which is soul crushing. I feel suffocated and my poor husband is racked with guilt but tells me he will do whatever I want. After finding out he worked like a mad man to ensure that 9 months later we have enough for two rounds of private IVF.
My little sister just had her little girl and started trying to conceive at the same time as us, all I have ever wanted is to be a mum. I just never imagined things would be so bad.
I don't know anyone who has gone through infertility or IVF or adoption. All I have is my mum and sister, and both fell pregnant 6-7 weeks after they got married.
I need some advice and to actually talk to someone that knows how this all feels.

I'm sorry you're going through this Ginger. What do you think is holding you back from trying the IVF? I am currently preparing for a frozen embryo transfer after 3 consecutive miscarriages and a stillbirth in the last 3 years. I told myself that even if this doesn't work, at least I can say I have tried everything. We have MFI too. Poor husband feels guilty which taints everything as I feel he's not being 100% honest about how he feels. I think he's fed up with TTC and IVF but he knows Im not ready to give up. I'm 41 now 😵 would you feel better if you took the step of getting on with the IVF?

Looking at your case I’d say you have a good chance of conceiving as you seem to know what the issue is and isn’t Ivf a great way to get over sperm problems
Is the problem that your family don’t know it is ‘his’ issue? Can you not just be honest about it?

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about everyone's issues, it's never easy to talk about and so thank you for sharing. I've got a 6 month old but before her I had a very painful miscarraige.

Eeeeeeveryones story is different, but my sister in law had issues with her hormones and the nhs said levels were too low to allow them to do IVF so went privately and worked first time for them luckily. Since then they had a miscarraige and are now successfully pregnant again, 20 weeks! For every story that sounds easy there'll be a story that is difficult, but in my opinion, you just have to crack on and go through the process, because giving up means you definitely wont get there, you just have to try.
Regarding your parents etc. I can relate because after miscarraige I felt every new scan was so much more pressurised, so where possible I lied about dates so I wouldn't be asked, and generally avoided them for a bit, lied and said I was out with mates etc. worked really well rather than making me feel like a special case 'she doesn't want to talk about it' kind of thing.
It's categorically not your husbands fault, there is noooooothing he's done to cause this, just cannot be helped, it's like blaming yourself for being blonde or brunette, just have to learn about it and try to do something to change it.
Chin up hun, you'll work your way through it all xxxx

You’re very young in fertility terms so this should mean that you have time on your side.

I totally understand your hesitation. I wanted to be pregnant but wasn’t ready for ICSI straightaway. It was as though I needed to grieve for the natural conception I hoped I would have and come to terms with needing help. Plus it’s a tough, invasive process to go through. It was 18 months after getting approval for ICSI before I did my first cycle, but I was older than you (36) when I did it.

There’s no harm in going to the adoption open evening and gathering information at this stage, especially if it helps you to feel a little more in control of the situation.

That said I would still consider the IVF/ICSI route before adoption as you have more time constraints on the fertility treatment.

Please don’t feel pressured to provide updates to your family/friends re your treatment. People who haven’t been through it often do/say the wrong things (though meant kindly usually) but it can cause upset and tension in your relationships.

Wishing you all the best of luck.

ginger I also felt that if I'd ever struggled to get pregnant than I would 'just adopt.' Once I actually went through it I realised that thinking that hypothetically is very different when faced with the real life situation. There is nothing wrong with either option. You should read up and explore both. If you decide you want to try IVF/ICSI it's not saying no to adoption. You might just be saying 'not yet.' You have time to decide and at the end of the day it's what you feel is right for you right now. It's really hard as we don't plan to be in this situation and the thoughts and emotions are not necessarily what you would have expected. Good luck and feel free to ask questions or rant or whatever. x

The good news is that sperm issues are more treatable and responsive to diet and exercise than ovarian issues. He should stop walking, get to a normal BMI, and get started on Well Man capsules in addition to lots of oily fish, shellfish, avocado, Bananas, pumpkin seeds etc. (Most clinics have comprehensive diet plans for men). It takes 3 months for sperm issues to improve. If after that they don’t then icsi is a good option, but at your age I’d be tempted to try other ways first.

Stop smoking not walking!