Struggling after missed miscarriage - help!
NotAnotherHeffalump · 10/06/2018 20:56
I've been thinking of posting this for a while , but I'm terrified of being ripped to shreds (and so haven't posted it in AIBU)...
I have 2 DCs, and fell pregnant with my 3rd earlier in the year. I was super excited, my husband had been certain he was done after 2 and took a while to come round to trying for number 3. My close friend has been married for years and years but her and her husband have put off TTC in favour of other priorities (no judgement) but they're still young. It took them a few months to conceive, and as it turned out we ended up at exactly the same stage of pregnancy.
We were very much enjoying being pregnant together, chatting on the phone a few times a week about symptoms etc and even going for an early scan together and both saw little heartbeats.
Then at 11 weeks i got some very light bleeding and a scan diagnosed a missed miscarriage. I was devastated. When the bleeding started in earnest it was very, very heavy and I ended up in A and E with blood loss. I cried for days.
That was 2 months ago now. I try not to think about it too much, I know I'm blessed to have the kids that I have, my health, my husband, my job etc. It doesn't get me down unless i let myself dwell on it, and I'm perfectly happy to be around pregnant people and babies. One of my good friends is pregnant, as is my sister and a few work colleagues. I run a toddler group and there are plenty of expectant mums there too. This causes no problems for me. But I really struggle to hear the details of my friend's (who was at the same stage) pregnancy.
If she's telling me all about how they're going to the scan to find out the gender I just sit here thinking "I'll never know my babies gender" when she tells me she had a scan and the baby was waving at them I just think of my last scan and how they showed that the blood was no longer flowing around the baby.
She asked me why I'm so quiet when she talks about her pregnancy (I'm always positive, but brief like "oh that's great news! How're things with work") and I tried to explain that I just find it hard because we were at the same stage. She was really unhappy and said well that would always be the case so I need to get over it, she's always been really happy for me when I was pregnant with my other kids.
I saw her for the first time recently and I saw the bump and I just spent the whole time we were together trying not to cry. Now she isn't speaking to me.
I don't want to be this person, I am honestly very happy for them, it just reminds me of my loss so much and it devastates me.
Persipan · 10/06/2018 21:01
Honestly, I think she's being an epically insensitive cow.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think what you're feeling is very natural and understandable. Please take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and don't take her unkind words to heart.
KentUnicorn · 10/06/2018 21:03
I'm so sorry for your loss and it doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable at all to me.
You are allowed to feel the way you feel after a very sad event in your life and in time maybe you will find it easier to be around this friend and her bump/baby.
I think she needs to be more empathetic in the situation and to stop speaking to you is pretty mean.
Doublechocolatetiffin · 10/06/2018 21:14
Wow, I completely agree with what has been said. Your ‘friend’ is being hugely insensitive. Going through a miscarriage is so hard and seeing other pregnant people, especially one who was due at the same time as you is often like a punch in the gut. I had to distance myself a bit from a friend who was due a week after me when I had a missed miscarriage. When she told me (she had no idea I’d miscarried) I spent the whole time trying not to bawl my eyes out at soft play. When I did tell her she was lovey about it and hugely supportive. Your friend should be giving you space if you need it and being understanding. To be honest I’d not bother making contact with her again.
Wolfiefan · 10/06/2018 21:16
I agree too. My first pg was a mmc.
TBH if she's going to be so utterly insensitive then it may be easier if you don't talk for now.
So so very sorry for your loss.
Devon123 · 10/06/2018 21:21
So sorry for your loss. She is being very self centred and insensitive imo. Of course she's going to be excited about her own pregnancy but most people knowing the situation would be able to use some understanding and tact. Don't really have any advice other than you're justified to be upset. Good luck for the future x
helloooomeee · 10/06/2018 21:43
I'm so sorry for your loss
It is not up to you to pretend that everything is ok when you're with this friend. It is up to her to be sensitive about your loss.
I had a scan on Tuesday at 7 weeks which showed a non viable pregnancy, this will be my third miscarriage (plus 2 dc in between mc 2 and 3) all of which were very wanted pregnancies.
SIL is just 2 weeks ahead of where I was with a very unexpected dc#4 and has been in touch every day offering help and support. She has kept me informed of scan dates for herself and told me when she is planning on telling my in laws as she knows I will find that hard. She has made herself available to support me in any way she can and has only bought her pregnancy up when asked to by me. I know as the pregnancy progresses there will be comparisons that will be harder to avoid but I know she will do everything she can to protect my feelings.
It is about compassion and communication. If she is a close friend then I think you need to have a very frank conversation with her, let her know that you are happy for her and her baby but the big milestones she is passing only serve to remind you of what you have lost. Hopefully you can help her understand how she can let you share in this journey without hurting too much.
NotAnotherHeffalump · 10/06/2018 21:54
We have had a conversation where I said I find it hard, it's too close to the bone because we were at the same stage, and she essentially said she's wanted a baby for ages, I've had my time when she was happy for me and now it's my time to be happy for her. I said your milestones will remind me of the milestones I should have been hitting and she said yes, that's the way it will always be, so you need to process that.
My pregnant sister has been amazing. Only talking about the pregnancy when specifically asked details about it etc, brought me hot water bottle and ice cream and treats when it happened. She's really been amazing.
When I saw my friend her and her husband (who have always been super touchy-feely ) were just rubbing at the bump constantly. I get that they're really excited about it. It's just too much for me. I just cried and cried in the bathroom.
NotAnotherHeffalump · 10/06/2018 21:57
Thank you all very much. I was worried I was over-reacting or had suddenly become this mess that was incapable of behaving appropriately and sucked joy out of everything.
Wolfiefan · 10/06/2018 22:00
Not at all. I had a very good friend due about the same time as the pg I lost. We had an open and honest conversation when she was pg. She knew I was very happy for her but devastated to lose my pg. (first so wasn't sure I would ever have kids.) I went so far as to say I may not even feel able to hold her baby or visit when she arrived. I did. But she understood how I felt. Like a friend should.
jpclarke · 10/06/2018 22:10
I feel your pain. I had a missed miscarriage 3 weeks ago and have yet to meet my sil who is pregnant. I just can't face her. It's hard enough seeing people on the street pregnant without having to actually talk to a pregnant woman. I think being in this nightmare when you already have children is very hard as you know you can have babies. Your friend has not lived in your shoes, she should definitely be more considerate. I don't know how long it takes to feel better or not to feel sad but you are amazing to be around pregnant women and offering any level of support. I would concentrate on yourself and your own children for a while. Your sister sounds great, and obviously very aware of your feelings.
helloooomeee · 10/06/2018 22:42
2 months is still very recent and your reaction is totally understandable. I think for your sake you need to cool this friendship until you are able to cope with her selfishness regarding the pregnancy.
NotAnotherHeffalump · 10/06/2018 23:13
I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I hope you're all getting the support you need and deserve. Miscarriage can be very lonely.
I understand jpclarke it is tough when it's right in your face like that. Take your time. It took me 2 months to see my friend and I still wasn't ready. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm so sorry helloooomee for your very recent news. The days immediately after I found out were horrific. I hope you have your feet up and are getting plenty of TLC.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it's helpful to know other people can empathise. Xxx
Lollipops28 · 11/06/2018 01:21
Our stories are extremely similar. I lost what would have been my 3rd baby in Jan. Coming up to my scan dates it was so hard thinking about what could have been never mind having my friend going through her pregnancy at the same stage as what I should have been. It must be a kick in the stomach for you each time youre reminded of would could of been happening at this moment in time if the worst hadn't already happened. I agree with other people your friend is being incredibly insensitive and you shouldn't feel guilty about the way you feel I think it's only natural. Good luck for the future. Just remember you're already doing a fab job at coping with your loss x
jpclarke · 11/06/2018 07:54
It really shouldn't matter whether you have children or not a loss of a wanted baby is a very real loss. Miscarriage is the most silent and lonely loss I have ever experienced, maybe if talking to your friend didn't work maybe send her an email. It's a sadness that is very hard to come to terms with but one that the outside world know so little about unless you tell them.
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