My friend's pregnancy has failed at 20 weeks

[StormyLovesOdd]

My friend is obviously devastated but doesn't want many people to know, she is currently signed off work for a week.

I would like to get her a little something just to let her know I'm thinking about her to say how sorry I am but I only see her in work and don't have a home address. Do you think a box of chocolates or something is appropriate? I feel so sad for her but I don't want to make it worse.

I'd say as someone who experienced a loss at 15 weeks , a lovely card with a heartfelt message would be better than chocolate at a time like this . Also the offer of help and just company- I felt very lonely as no one visited after the birth

I’d just do a card. One with some generic flowers or similar on. Personally I would just say that you are thinking of her type message rather than using a bereavement message but everyone’s different.

Someone sent me a box of hotel chocolate chocolates with a short heartfelt note and it was really appreciated

A lovely thoughtful card sounds a really nice thing to do. And maybe an offer to take her out for lunch or tea and cake when she's feeling a bit more up to it?

Thank you for your replies, its hard to know what to do without making her feel any worse than she already does.

You sound really kind. Chocolates would be much appreciated I’m sure. I’m sure you wouldn’t but when you speak to your friend please don’t use the term that you have used in your title. It’s not a “failed” pregnancy. She will likely have had to give birth to her baby.

Dont worry, I'd never say that to her, I pondered for ages on how to word the title. I thought if I put lost the baby it would be confusing, sorry i don't know the correct term.

Someone at work said their dd was bought an elephant toy as a sign of never forgetting... thought that was quite nice...

The best card I got was saying essentially I’m so sorry something so utterly shit has happened to you. Sending lots of love. It didn’t try to “cheer me up” or belittle the situation. It just empathised. I actually found someone acknowledging my pain the kindest thing.

My son was stillborn at 21 weeks. I appreciated anything that anyone did to acknowledge my loss, in particular recognising that I lost a baby that I gave birth to, held and loved rather than dismissing it as just a miscarriage or ignoring the situation altogether. I liked talking about my boy, using his name and showing photos.

I was signed off for 7 weeks from work and then returned on reduced hours for several months. That period of my working life is a complete blank now, I really wasn’t focusing at all. My colleagues were supportive and didn’t demand too much from me, which helped me hugely.

Everyone reacts to loss differently and it’s difficult to argue that theres a right and wrong way to grieve so I’m just sharing my experience. I have a blog that I started at that time, please PM me if you or your colleague would like to see it and I’ll share the link.