Struggling

[maskingtape]

I can't have children. I've always known this and although I want kids I've accepted it and have been fine when friends have had children, then 2 children and for some 3 kids. I've been ok with it all (well as ok as you can be).

This was until my sister told me recently that she's pregnant. I'm really happy for her but I'm not coping well at all. I am constantly holding back tears. Last night I cried so much that I struggled to breathe. I don't know what's happening as I've coped so well with everything else. This is killing me. Will this get easier? I just don't know what to do. I feel like an awful, horrible person for feeling this way when it's the happiest time of her life (and should be).

It doesn't help that I'm completely alone. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm there for everyone else but it's never been the other way around.

Oh OP it sounds so so hard. There's something about a sister that's different - this pregnancy is probably going to be unavoidably part of your life. You can hide from friends in a way but not your sister. I really feel for you. But this pregnancy does mean you will have children in your family life, even if it's not your ideal way. Maybe what feels bitterly painful right now will give you real pleasure in the future.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think with it being your sister, it’s harder as it’s family. I have lots of friends who have got pregnant/had babies since I started ttc two years ago and it was hard but I coped fairly okay. Then my little sister got pregnant and I found it much harder to deal with. I found myself getting very depressed and feeling just awful. Seeing her bump grow etc, it was just because unlike friends, I saw her all the time and was surrounded by excited family members talking about it all the time.

My niece is 3 months old now. I was my sister’s birthing partner. I knew I was stronger than I gave myself credit for and I didn’t want to lose anything from my relationship with my sister and my new niece. I thought it would be hard being a birthing partner but it weirdly helped me. My niece helps me a lot too. She fills a small baby shaped hole. Obviously I would rather it was me with the baby but being part of her life, changing nappies, giving bottles, cuddling and playing with her, I’ve found it really has helped me cope with being infertile.

This obviously isn’t how it works for everyone but I think in time, it will get easier for you. Maybe try and involve yourself in things but ensure people know that sometimes, you won’t be up for baby chat, looking at scan pictures etc. Sometimes things like that get overwhelming and hopefully your sister and family can appreciate that. I hope that once you see your niece or nephew, it will feel a little better. It’s not a guarantee and it’s really hard but it is possible to get past that feeling of sadness and jealousy. Good luck

I know you're right. I will love my niece/nephew to pieces and will spoil them rotten!

I just want to stop crying. I want this pain to stop. Will it just go in time?

It's not even jealousy. I'm so happy for them. I don't know what it is. This is like nothing I've ever felt before.

To complicate matters I don't think my sister even knows I can't have children unless my parents have told her. No one really knows apart from a few friends who don't live anywhere near me and my parents. It's not something I've ever talked about even with my parents.

Know exactly how you feel OP. We're struggling with secondary infertility. Other people's babies didn't bother me so much but when my sister announced she was pregnant with someone she'd been with for 6 months it killed me.
Don't get me wrong I love my niece to bits and can't imagine life without her now but those 9 months were heartbreaking.

Thinking of you. Xx

Oh God. Please don't tell me this will last the whole 9 months. This week I've been a complete wreck. I've held back tears everyday at work and when I get home I just breakdown after holding it all in. I can't do this.

What about telling your sister and letting it all out. I think you can be devastated for yourself and delighted for her at the same time. You can do both. Would she be supportive?

Hi maskingtape - I've been dealing with this. My sister had a baby 18 months ago and it was so hard. I cried my eyes out after she told me, and I found it utterly exhausting plastering the "I'm so happy for you!" smile on my face the whole time.

It does get easier, but I still have moments of envy (jealousy, even). And sometimes I get angry at the unfairness. But you'll cope and you'll grow to love your little niece or nephew. It's not being a Mum, and is no substitute as far as I'm concerned, but it's still a special relationship

I don't feel I can talk to her. There's no way I'd want to spoil this time for her. This is my issue and not hers. I just want these feelings to end.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Could it be that even though you've known for a long time/always that you couldn't have children, this is the first time you've had to face it in quite this way? It can be comforting to say 'Im ok, I've dealt with this' but I think life altering things like infertility aren't things you always deal with once, sometimes they are things you have to deal with a bit at a time, sometimes when you least expect it.

You could be right. In retrospect I've probably been a bit 'too ok' in the past. I'm good at solutions and I'm the voice of reason. With this there is no solution and I can't reason with it.

@maskingtape honestly for me it lasted the whole 9 months, to the point I barely made it to the baby shower. I didn't talk to my sister so maybe try and have a chat with her? X

Hello Maskingtape Sorry you are going through such a difficult situation. Please don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling - my experience is that this only makes it worse. I'm sub/in-fertile (4 years ttc, endometriosis diagnosis, 2 miscarriages) and in that time my 2 SILs (on DH's side) have popped out 4 children between them and at the moment my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. This most recent pregnancy is proving particularly complex emotionally - I'm delighted for my brother, and my parents who will be grandparents for the first time, but it highlights my own feelings of loss and shame at my infertility. I have found journalling helpful to pinpoint exactly what it is that's difficult. It might be helpful to explore with a counsellor your feelings about infertility. Even if it's something you've known about for a long time, and felt you've been at peace with, talking about your infertility can help you to feel listened to, and have your feelings acknowledged, especially if you feel that now is not the time to raise it with your sister. I think OverinaFlash makes a really good point about how we process or deal with things over time. Sending love and light x

Thanks everyone. It's good to let it so out to someone.

I had a better day yesterday with no tears. An improvement!

Hi maskingtape how are you doing today?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've not had the same situation (yet) but I have had a very close friend announce her pregnancy and it killed me mentally. I explored it with my counsellor and found that, while most of my friends have children already, this friend was one of the only ones who didn't. She was in a new position at work, seemingly very absorbed in her career and I always felt a little bit of relief when I felt down about my situation that 'at least Julie (not her real name) isn't pregnant'. Like I wasn't alone as one of the only childless women in our friendship circle. It may sound silly but it gave me some comfort and made me feel less 'weird' (not that infertility is weird, that's just my silly brain talking!)

When Julie announced it, it was like the worst thing that could have happened (in my mind) had happened. I had a meltdown and still feel really awful about it now. I don't know if it's even the pregnancy as such, it's that feeling of 'everyone around me can get pregnant, what the hell is wrong with me?' All the despair and hurt and feelings of loss it brings up.

The other thing I've noticed that hurts so much is other people's positive reactions to the pregnancy and how much that hurts me. As well as the fact that I just want to be in Julie's position and hear people being excited for me, there's also something in the fact that pregnant women are so revered and it makes me feel like a failure and less worthy in some way.

Can you chat your feelings through with a counsellor? I'm sorry you have no support IRL, sounds like counselling could do you some good. Are you sure you can't be honest with your sister? She might surprise you in being supportive?

What about telling your sister and letting it all out. I think you can be devastated for yourself and delighted for her at the same time. You can do both. I think this is a good point – surely your sister has space to be happy for herself and supportive to you and vice versa? Breaking the silence might allow you to avoid times when it gets too much (eg family gatherings) and your sister will understand? It could bring you closer, though I don't know her of course!

Getting to be an auntie could be great for you though it doesn't feel like it yet. xx

Thanks. I've had a much better couple of days with no tears. Think I'm over the worst of it for now. Obviously I don't know how I'll feel when she's getting bigger and when bump is born but for now I think I'm getting there. Thanks for caring.