In a pickle

[Schhemz]

Hello ladies.

This is my first time posting here and really because I would love some good solid advice on my situation. I don't know really here else to turn to as I don't want to involve family and friends.

It's a long story but I will try to keep it short as possible.
I am 35 years old and have had 3 ectopic pregnancies. One in my early 20s and the last one 12 months ago.
I have a current parter of 4 years who has a child of 9 years old.
When me and my fella met I was quite clear that one day I would like a family of my own and he told me that he would consider another if the relationship was solid.
Fast forward 3 years and I had my ectopic we wasn't particularly trying for a baby but these I was pregnant. I was shocked and happy. But it turned out to be ectopic again unfortunately. During my time in hospital I found out my fella had been texting another woman for a few days. A short going. They didn't meet in person. Of course I was trying to recover my own body and also had to deal with that so I left. After some weeks I went back and he was devastated. He had no reason why he done that and knew he had made a huge mistake. I understand everyone makes mistakes. Fool me once and all that....
So we moved on it took a long long time and here we are 12 months later.

I had come to the conclusion that after 2 ectopics and the fact he already had a child what was the point but I've always known deep in my heart I would love a cold of my own.

So here we are. I live abroad away from my family and I recently took a trip to see them and I came back and realised how much I want children and I miss being part of a family unit.

I have spoken to my fella and his answer was no. He lives a very free life just so you know. He does a lot of sport and likes to head off into the mountains.
He told me we are not stable enough, that's it's not in his vision to have more children and what's the point.
I pressured him. I suppose I have him an ultimatum that if that was his choice I would leave and go to do it alone. Overnight he came back with a yes answer that if that's what my heart really desires then he will do it.

But and it's a big BUT he will not contribute any money to the treatment. We're not well well off but we live comfortable.

My dilemma really is that should I leave him and go and do it alone. Or pay for the treatment myself and hopefully have a happy family.

I am not looking for the right answer here but just support if anyone has ever been faced with the same situation.

I really look forward to reading some replies

Thnak you

I am so sorry. There are so many spelling mistakes there. I wrote on my telephone and I could not review my message.
I had 2 ectopic pregnancies not 3!!

If you want children you won't have them with this man. He's buying time by telling you that yes he'll have them but he won't pay for treatment. He thinks it'll take you so long to save/fund the treatment that it won't happen.

Hello Lillylollylandy,

Thank you for your reply. I do have the money for the treatment. I have been saving over the past few years for something but never really knowing what I am saving for.
I have the money for at least one try of IVF

The thing im struggling to comprehend is that although I earn more money than him he does have some money that he could put towards this. He spends his money freely and buys 6k mountain bikes and is just about to pay for his new 20k car.

I have been told by him that I am not allowed to throw that in his face and if this is what I really want then he will do it for me but I have to pay for all treatment.

I think the question is really do you want this man to be the father of your child? It doesn't sound like he is that invested in you and your future child. What will happen if the relationship falls apart? He might end up feeling resentful that you 'made' him do this. You might end up having to co-parent and miss time with your child which most parents I know find really difficult. If he disappears how will that make the baby feel? I don't think it's a good idea to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one. If you can afford to do it, you might be better off doing it alone and having full parental responsibility of the child.

Hello again.

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
We're talking things through bit by bit but the more I do the more clear things are.
The more I see he is only doing this for me. He doesn't need another child. He will only have one for my sake and that's why I have to pay.
I also spoke to him about what IVF involves it's not a simple trip to a clinic. There are going to be highs and lows.
He does it feel with lows very well. He doesn't see the point in "lows" and he basically said that if I do have low days he wouldn't be there for me to be mean to him etc... basically he would go running until I was not "low"

The last conversation has pretty much answered my questions in the terms that I either let his go and continue with our quiet life or go and do this alone.

It doesn't sound like your partner is capable of supporting you during ivf. It is gruelling physically and emotionally and you need your partner to be there with you in that. If you have a bad reaction to drugs or are in pain after egg collection will he step up and look after you or will he just turn around and say "well you wanted this so put up and shut up"? If you get bad news will he be there for you or will you know he's secretly relieved? If you get good news will you feel he is sharing your happiness or will he be resenting an unwanted baby?

It sounds to me like if you want a child you would be better off without him (use a sperm donor and get the support of friends and family to help you through the rollercoaster. Or wait and try to find a partner who is supportive of your feelings.)

If you decide to stay with him, do think about whether you will come to resent this later on. If you sacrifice your hope of a child you have to be sure that the relationship is worth it to you and that you won't regret making that choice. Personally I don't think I could stay with someone who told me he couldn't see the point in supporting me through lows, regardless what they were about. That seems like a terrible attitude to have to someone you claim to care about.

I just did ivf alone and there were several points where I was glad I was. It just felt easier to rely on myself and not have anyone to disappoint or annoy me lol.
Of course I'm sure it's a great support if your partner is loving and supportive and just as into it as you are but your partner definitely doesn't fit into that catergory. It seems really petty to make you pay, like he's trying to be symbolic about it and separate himself from it. I think you'll be much happier with just you and your baby. And perhaps you'll meet a much nicer man in the future who will love you and your baby! Best of luck to you!

Obviously this is very postcode dependent but as a single person you may be eligible for NHS ivf. Usually it's not available for couples with one child.

Don't pay for treatment until you've investigated your NHS options, as having had private treatment can rule you out too.

Hello again and thank you so much for all your answers so far, they are all really helping me to make such an important decision.

I really really dont want to leave him because he is a good man and a good partner but I dont think he just quite gets it.

Predicament is that I leave him, try and do it alone and it doesnt work and still be alone. but thats me trying to predict the future. but i know in my heart of hearts if I dont try I will regret this.

@kaznet - How it working out for you doing it alone?

@Saturdayselling I live abroad so I wouldnt qualify for any IVF on the NHS.

I'm only in early stages of pregnancy and have found out it's twins lol. So yes there was a moment where I thought if 2 parents struggle to do twins how on Earth am I going to do it? But I'm going to make it work and I have the support of a very excited mother. What's your support network like? Have you considered moving closer to your family or is that not an option?

Omg thats amazing! How many times did you have to try IVF?
Fantastic news for you and your mother! I think no matter how hard it can be you will always try to make things work and thats what I dont understand about my fella, its seems like yes he will do it for me but he doesnt really want to and thats why I prefer to go it alone like you said.

"It just felt easier to rely on myself and not have anyone to disappoint or annoy me "

I currently live in Spain away from home but my family network in Ireland have said I am welcome to go there and they will support me all the way through. So i am pretty much 99% that is what I will do. I have to just take the big step to leave a man I love and also move country!

Schhemz I wouldn't even consider having a baby with this man, he doesn't sound like a great partner (the fact he wouldn't support you if you were feeling low, how he would just leave you to get on with it). It also doesn't sound like you want the sane things. If you stay with him and don't try to have a baby you could regret it on the future. If you succeed in having a baby what kind of father would he be to the child? Would he even change a nappy or will it be all your job because you wanted the child? Don't underestimate how damaging it is for a child to think that one of their parents didn't/doesn't really want them.

IVF is available via the health service in Spain but average waiting times are about 2 years.
If you're going to try this do it before you leave Spain, the assisted reproduction clinics there are excellent and attract a great deal of patients from the UK, Ireland and beyond. Many also do finance plans although you may not need them it's good to know they are available.
Depending on where you are, try IVI website or any other of the clinics in Spain for information. Good luck 💐

Hello JeNeBaguetteRien,

Thank you for your advice, I can only agree with you and I think it would yes be a case you you get up and change the nappy because this is what you wanted etc...

I hear that Spain is one of the best places to have IVF, is the website below the one you refer to?

ivi-fertility.com/

I know this must be hard for you Schhemz but many people say being a single parent is easier than having another adult at home who doesn't help.
Is this guy really so fantastic that you would be content with a future with him in it but no child? What if you separate in future, it could happen.

I don't know you and your whole situation but I hope you trust your own instincts about how you want your life to turn out. Picture where you want to be in a year, in 3 years, 5, 10. Do you want a child with him who is being ignored by their daddy? It seems pretty sad.

Yes that link to IVI is the clinic I'm thinking of, I know people who've used the Madrid and Alicante clinics but they are all over Spain, and many other good clinics.
I'd really recommend having treatment in Spain as you are based there, Spain is very much a leader in fertility treatment. It is likely to be my future plan. They will ring you and discuss options, including (and this will sound way ahead! if you want to store other embryos to have the possibility of a biological sibling in future).

Also, you don't have to move back to Ireland straight away, but yes it would probably be much easier to have family around and a really lovely way to reconnect with them as they've offered you their support.
Very best of luck, take some time to think it through and make the right decision for you.