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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

How do you handle being asked?

25 replies

Hopingnwishing · 30/04/2018 12:26

twice this week I've ben asked by work colleagues when dh and I are going to have kids. They are nice people and would be devastated to know they'd upset me but as neither of them had any difficulties with conception I guess it doesn't occur to them.
I Just gave a vague answer but I think I need a better way of dealing with those kind of questions. Any tips?

OP posts:

hoping2018 · 30/04/2018 12:27

I vary between "we'd love to someday but will have to see when" to "were trying but it's taking longer than we'd like" depending how well I know someone xx

Original poster

Hopingnwishing · 30/04/2018 12:30

I just don't get how asking that kind of thing is socially acceptable.

OP posts:

PollyPelargonium52 · 30/04/2018 12:32

Yes I would find it really rude too.

I only have one child. I have been asked nosey questions such as 'Would you have liked more' etc. Can't people stick their beaks elsewhere! It isn't as if I knew these people it was just chit chat.

tigerdog · 30/04/2018 13:05

It is rude, but people are mostly oblivious. Even when I told people the extent of what we were going through, very few were able to genuinely understand. The worst was when I’d be brave enough to say something, it would be ignored or dismissed.

If people asked if we were going to have kids, I started off saying “yes, we would like to”. Over time, that became “we’ll see” and then, “if only it were that easy”. Also, best way to respond to totally deflect is to just ask a question back. Most people seemed to forget they asked and enjoyed talking about themselves.

After 5 years and several miscarriages we finally had our DD. The questions about whether we will have another one started before I’d even given birth. It makes me want to scream! It’s not an easy question to answer given what we went through to have one.

Si1ver · 30/04/2018 13:09

I always like a bright and breezy, passive aggressive "Gosh, aren't you brave to ask questions like that. I'm always terrified that'll put my foot in it with some struggling with infertility or loss." Followed up with a dead eyed Paddington Bear stare.

Not only does it stop people asking me, but I also hope it makes things better for other people in the future.

SilverHairedCat · 30/04/2018 13:13

I vary between polite nothings - we'll see, not sure etc and trying not to dive for someone's throat (usually the day my period has started and I'm only just keeping it together).

Honestly, even when I am blunt and say we can't have kids, it's followed up with questions about treatment options, their cousins IVF experiences or platitudes about "just" adopting.

Gah.

ILoveMyMonkey · 30/04/2018 13:14

I have 1DS but it took a very long time to conceive and we haven't been able to conceive a second. It got to a point where I was so sick on the constant questioning about having a baby / a second baby that I now just tell anyone who asks "we can't have any more!" That shuts them up and they don't ask any further questions. People are too nosey for their own good!

LyricalGangster · 30/04/2018 13:17

Same as Si1ver. I always met these questions by explaining why it's such an awful question to ask.

'When are you going to give dc1 a sibling'

'Oh wow, that's always such a loaded question to ask, you need careful asking it. You are making huge assumptions about a lot of really private and personal things, as these decisions can be based on our financial situation, our sex life, our relationship, our fertility, and it can have the potential to massively upset someone such an innocent seeming question' ... head tilt

People only asked me once

Daffodil397 · 30/04/2018 13:26

Si1ver

rainbowgrimm · 30/04/2018 13:46

Love si1ver, I'm stealing that.

I had a long term colleague that I considered a good friend who I confided in about an ectopic pregnancy (3rd loss) , her response was did I think she should have a 3rd as she always got pregnant as soon as her coil was out & she might get another in before she turned 40. We're no longer in contact.

DidoAndHerLament · 30/04/2018 13:54

I used to just say (mildly) "That's a very personal question" and it was interesting to watch the other person's reaction. The best ones were the folk who realised how inappropriate it was to ask and apologised, and that made it easy to move on in the conversation without awkwardness.

I'm much older now so have to deal with different questions, mostly "Do you have children/grandchildren". I just say "No". Less is more

Original poster

Hopingnwishing · 30/04/2018 14:06

Some of those answers are great especially if it's someone you barely know. It gets harder when you don't want to cause issues between you and them

OP posts:

Trooperslane2 · 30/04/2018 14:11

I wish I'd been brave enough to say this

Si1ver Mon 30-Apr-18 13:09:04
I always like a bright and breezy, passive aggressive "Gosh, aren't you brave to ask questions like that. I'm always terrified that'll put my foot in it with some struggling with infertility or loss." Followed up with a dead eyed Paddington Bear stare

I just used to tear up and change the subject/pretend I didn't hear.

I have been an insensitive arse at times, before I got the bolt from the blue that we didn't just get up duffed.

Summerloving17 · 30/04/2018 15:12

Ah Si1ver I love that answer!

Mine is usually "sadly it is not always easy for everyone" it usually works!

hoping2018 · 30/04/2018 15:34

@Si1ver ha ha! Love this!!

EarlGreyT · 30/04/2018 17:00

Si1ver that is brilliant. I am stealing it!

AniSL · 30/04/2018 17:13

I got married last year and the questions have been coming thick and fast at work, I work in the healthcare sector so you would assume that they realise how inappropriate it is. We had 5 women all go off on maternity leave within weeks of each other too. People have given up asking me because I told them that not every woman dreams of being a mother and not every woman is capable of being a mother.
I like that idea Si1lver.

acatcalledjohn · 30/04/2018 17:36

A colleague recently announced in conversation that his partner was pregnant.

Cue another colleague:
"Was it...planned?"

Me:
"Or in other words, what's your sex life like?"

Said with a but definitely done to make a point.

Something along the lines of what S1lver has suggested should do the trick.

Cduck · 01/05/2018 23:06

Can't believe how much I'm told (yes told) I need to give my son a sibling. Or if I am honest about having to go through fertility treatment, the response is "well you never know for your second!"

Yes... We do know... We cannot conceive naturally. Goodbye.

Lol.

Littleblueberry · 02/05/2018 10:56

A pregnant lady asked me...must be your turn soon... she had got married a month after me. I had miscarried a few weeks before she asked...i was brutal. I said well yes i would have been due about the same time as you so just think of that when you have your baby.... oops. Ive been fairly honest because i think the stigma around it needs to change. We are educated to be careful in our teens and early 20s because it's so easy to get knocked up but the other side never gets spoken about

Onthewrongsideof30 · 02/05/2018 11:23

I'm loving @Si1ver response. It will vary from bursting into tears or telling my (male boss) in a very breezy way 'oh it just hasn't happened yet' ..... but from now on I will quote that!

Alexkate2468 · 02/05/2018 11:28

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's just general conversation and family is part of everyday. Life (whatever form that family takes but most include children). I never see the question as ill intentioned.

I started handling it by telling the truth. A gentle, "we'd love to but I'm realising now that it's not something to take for granted". It was met with a few awkward responses but mostly people were encouraging.

I honestly think infertility needs to be less taboo and the more open we are the less awkward these conversations will get.

susurration · 02/05/2018 11:38

I hate this line of questioning. I started off with the 'maybe someday, we're still young' line. Then I progressively found myself more irritated and passive aggressive when answering, so I now answer with an honest snapshot of why we don't have children yet. Something like 'unfortunately I have fertility problems and it isn't easy for us'. Generally people say they're 'sorry to hear that' and move on. Ocassionally someone asks more and I will answer their questions or just tell them I don't want to discuss it any further as it is private. It is hard, but i've found honesty the best policy for me because it means they don't come back again and again asking why we haven't had a baby yet.

mommybear1 · 02/05/2018 12:07

Loving @Si1ver response and will be stealing it going forward to use with MIL and other nosey barstools

bluemoonchances · 02/05/2018 22:21

I used to pussyfoot around and say crap like "oh busy with career" and stuff. Depending on my mood I now either say "well i'd like children but I t's just not meant to be for everyone" or the more blunt "I can't have kids." Either way shuts them up and they don't ask again!

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