Infertility is killing my marriage

[CrispsAndCheese]

I turned 37 last month and DH is 39. We are about to embark on IVF, but the likelihood of success is even lower than it would be at my age due to my low ovarian reserve (high fsh/low amh). Even though we are going to try IVF, I really don’t have any hope it is going to work. Our Consultant has been open and honest about our chances.

We were previously a very happy and solid couple, but I think infertility is killing our marriage. I am sad all the time. I am functioning- I go to work, make sure things are done around the house, see friends, and we had a lovely holiday recently. But I don’t feel like I am really present, or engaged properly in life. DH has been trying so hard to help me. He hugs and cuddles me, tells me he loves me, that it’s ok to cry, that this is all really shit and that we have been unlucky (we have mild male factor too). But there are times when I think he becomes frustrated and begins to reference other friends who have ‘had it worse’. I realise that we are fortune in many ways. But, we are also looking the real likelihood of being childless, and it’s awful. I have previously had counselling for infertility, and found it helped. I am wondering if I need to go back.

I think I would feel less helpless if I knew there were other possible options we could explore, such as donor eggs/embryos or adoption (although I realise there are no guarantees with these options either). However, DH is adamant he doesn’t want to pursue these. I have really started to wonder now if our marriage will survive, because it might be that I do want to pursue these options. He’s not wrong for not wanting to pursue other avenues, and has stated very valid reasons as to why he doesn’t want to- but I’m not wrong for wanting to pursue them either. What does this mean? Will we end up going our separate ways? I don’t want to convince him, but I also don’t want to stay with him if I regret not looking into other choices and end up resenting him. Today I really began to think about whether we might end up separating in the future. I feel terrible for even thinking it, because he is such a great guy, I love him and I can’t honestly imagine being with anyone else- but I want a family and I am willing to think about other options to make that happen. I know he would never leave me to have a family alone or with someone else, so I feel even worse when having these thoughts.

Anyone else experienced this? Did you go to couples counselling to talk openly about difference of opinion (DH has said he is up for this)? Has anyone else ended up leaving their partner and going it alone with regards to donor eggs/embryos or adoption? Or did you stay, come to terms with the grief and live childfree?

I would appreciate it if no miracle stories are posted please.

Also, a note to the dodgy surrogacy spammers- fuck off and leave this thread alone.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I don't have any particularly relevant personal experiences, here (I'm epically single, my treatment has all been a solo effort and so I get to pick where the line is just for me). But, I do have a couple of observations, if that's OK?

The first one is that you're thinking a lot of steps ahead, here. That's natural and not an entirely bad thing, but you're falling down a bit of a rabbit hole of what-if, and you aren't there yet. Is that helping you, it is it making things feel extra-complicated? Counselling does sound like a good idea, especially if you've found it helpful before.

The second thing I'd say it's, that line does often shift over time. When I first started treatment I thought, well, IUIs would be OK, but I wouldn't want to do IVF. Fast forward a bit, and I'm straight to IVF without a single IUI. Then I told myself, OK, but I wouldn't want to do donor eggs. Guess where I'm at now in my treatment journey...

That shifting over time isn't unusual. Once you've had some time to process an idea, sometimes it becomes less of an issue. I don't want to suggest that your husband will definitely change his mind about other options, but it's possible that down the line he may shift in his views. You'll only really know that when you get to that point (which, hopefully you'll never need to).

Wishing you lots of luck with your treatment - in the meantime, be kind to yourself, look after yourself, and try not to fall too deep down that hole!

I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation. We were in a very similar low-odds position and did multiple rounds of IVF before the last ditch attempt with the last remaining frozen embryos actually worked. (I know you said no miracle stories and I totally get that because there is nothing more frustrating, I just wanted to be upfront about the limits of my experience.)

For us, it was particularly complicated male factor infertility (not just low sperm count, etc) and right at the start of the 'journey', DH and I were both happy with the concept of donor sperm as a fallback. As things progressed (or failed to progress!), he became less comfortable with the idea. I was totally desperate and began to have the same thoughts as you: can I continue a life with someone who is choosing to block other options for motherhood? I came to the conclusion that if nothing could work, that I could live with that - I would have been devastated, but not resentful of DH. However, if there were still options available and he prevented me from exploring them, I could not imagine continuing life happily with him and I think I would have been eaten alive by the combination of resentment and grief of what could have been.

I made a number of other suggestions to try to move him on it, including embryo adoption (so the baby was genetically neither of ours), or even thinking about asking his sister if she would consider donating eggs so that his family DNA was mixed with donor sperm... basically I was a woman possessed, trying to find a solution. He was not interested in even humouring any of the options.

However, as time went on and we had multiple failures, I did find that he began to soften on the idea of donor sperm slightly, but we luckily didn't get as far as having to test how accepting he could've ultimately became. Obviously there is no guarantee that your DH will also come around to the idea, and it depends what his reasoning is, but I think that I was definitely guilty of trying to form a plan B (and C, D, E...!) whilst he was still completely immersed in plan A. I felt that I needed to know what was next, for a variety of reasons including the heartbreak of a failed cycle not also being the heartbreak of it meaning that it would never happy. He felt that he couldn't cope with the idea of it not working, so he refused to even entertain it. I think that generally, as it is our body which has to go through the whole process, we are much more mentally engaged with it and what every step entails and the consequences of every outcome. The men have the luxury of burying their head in the sand and essentially just waiting for the results each time!

I'm not sure if this rambling stream of consciousness is helpful at all, but I related so much to what you wrote that I wanted you to know that I understand and that you aren't alone in having these thoughts and feelings - but also that you may find that your DH's firm 'no' becomes less firm as and when you start to run out of options, but that I think it's quite normal for him to refuse to engage with that yet. For me, I found it helpful to (privately!) come to terms with the fact that I had decided that I couldn't live with not trying everything and that one way or another I would do so. Having my own back up plans made it more bearable to live through the whole experience rather than constantly agonising over 'what ifs' as well.

Persipan- excellent post. We too are now considering donor eggs.

OP - I have no advice. My present mindset mirrors yours and I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this. Head over to the infertility section, I find the only thing to help is to talk about it. And surrounding yourself with kind people.

Apologies - for some reason I thought I'd seen this in 'aibu'.

I am sending lots of love and recommend therapy or counselling - it can be a useful safe space to explore all this especially at times in the journey where you and DH might be at different parts of the rollercoaster x

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. It’s totally shit.

When I read your post, it almost felt like re-living my own experience and I could have almost written your post myself at one time right down to the no sodding miracle stories please.

I was going to say something along the same lines as persipan’s, excellent post. Firstly while it’s good to be realistic about your chances, take things one step at a time and try not to think too far ahead.

Secondly I completely agree with the concept that your (and your husband’s) line in the sand MAY shift over time. Ours certainly did. We were having 3 rounds of ivf and calling it quits, then up to 6 and definitely no donor eggs and fast forward and where did we end up.....

The whole experience is a massive headfuck and it does take some time to process both the situation you’re in and the suggestions regarding treatment. I am not saying your husband will definitely change his mind, but it’s virtually impossible to know what you’d do in the situation until you’re actually in it (although hopefully you won’t get that far down the road).

I think you may find more counselling very helpful both individually and as a couple. I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but I also wondered whether you think you could be depressed? Depression is fairly common in people with infertility. Your statement about not really feeling present or engaged in life really resonated with me as I felt in a very similar way when I had untreated depression. I know feeling stressed and sad is pretty normal when you’re going through infertility and treatment, but I wonder if your feelings may go beyond the normal sadness associated with infertility. I hope I haven’t upset or offended you by saying that.

I am sorry you’re feeling so rubbish. I remember only too well before starting and when having our first ivf cycle feeling there was no real hope it was going to work. At the time I remember reading on other forums/threads posts by people who were ridiculously positive and miracle stories which rather than making me feel better as they seemed to do for everyone else, they made me feel worse and even more hopeless and alone. I hope you’re not feeling like that too because you’re definitely not alone even if it might feel like that.

Have PM’d you x

Persipan Your observations are spot on I think. I am someone who likes to plan and be prepared, but I'm not sure how helpful that is in this situation. I have been trying to keep out of the rabbit hole and am trying to take things one step at a time, whilst being aware that our lines in the sand may shift, but also that they may not.

Anonymous Name What you said about wanting to have some kind of back up plan, so if it doesn't work there still might be a a chance of something, makes sense. I am guilty of thinking about every eventuality under the sun, whereas DH is every much, we'll do X, and isn't in the place to think about anything else. It is difficult when you have that feeling of desperation, but I am trying to be mindful that we are perhaps in different places currently- as pointed out by Happyhedgehod247.

TipsNotHacks I am so sorry to hear you are also in a similar position and good luck with whatever you decide.

EarlGreyTea It is completely and utterly shit. Perhaps I am just a negative nelly, but the stats for IVF are so poor generally, I have a hard time understanding how anyone can be optimistic. Similarly, the miracle stories are a self selecting bunch I think- there are many more out there who have not been so fortunate.

I am not offended by your suggestion that I might be depressed, and have wondered this myself since entering the infertility quagmire. I had followed this up in the Autumn, but the support I was offered was abysmal unfortunately. I am feeling a little better this week, and will have a think about going back to my GP. I am also going to contact our clinic tomorrow and plan to book either an individual or joint counselling session for us. I also think it would help to do both.

Mrsfw I will respond to your pm.

Thank you for your responses- I hope this doesn't sound trite, but they have genuinely been a massive help and support. I think this is because you all 'get it' and have the experience to relate to, and also because I haven't felt quite as alone. I know there are other people who are/have been through this, and had the same thoughts and feelings- but when you don't know anyone in person, it can feel completely isolating.

Wishing you all the best of luck.