Dealing with other people’s pregnancies

[Ivfunicorn]

I’ve been ttc for two years and just waiting to find out my plan for my first ivf cycle. I’m clearly not coping with the emotions this brings and little things are making me upset/having a bigger impact than they should. My dh is also starting to struggle but also opening up about how he feels. We’re booked in to see the fertility councillor at our ivf centre and we’re going on holiday next week to be ourselves and chill.

A couple that we know very well have recently had a baby. They got pregnant the first month they tried and are very happy. I didn’t contact them throughout pregnancy or even at birth. I know this is wrong and I don’t need this to be pointed out to me. The point is I couldn’t. I’m just numb, upset, angry, feeling shame and desperation and I didn’t want to intrude on their happiness with my cloud and was trying to protect myself. They called me after a visit which we tried to try get our friendship back on track and during which I was clearly an emotional wreck, it’s fair to say it didn’t go well. They told me they’re upset that I’m not happy for them. I’m truly numb though and I can’t act in any other way, I can’t get excited about other people’s pregnancies and I live in fear of the next announcement, wherever it’s coming from.

My question is then, how do I deal with this without burning all my bridges? How do protect my friendships while I’m numb and empty inside? Please be kind with your replies I know my behaviour probably should be better and I genuinely need a way to go forward.

I try to remember that other people’s pregnancies have no bearing on my infertility. It’s not like they’re taking away my baby by having their own, if that makes sense.

I totally understand how you feel. It’s very hard. When I was about 7 months in to ttc, my younger sister fell pregnant. It was the second time that year she had got pregnant by accident but this time she decided she would keep it. I struggled, mainly internally. But I love my sister and I knew it would upset her to distance myself. At the end of the day, she had every right to be happy and excited about being pregnant. Of course deep down I was sad that it has happened for her when she didn’t want it to and here we were going to the fertility clinic twice a month and me peeing on opks and having to have unromantic military-timed sex and was getting nowhere. My niece is just over two months old now and I love her to death and in a way, it helps me deal with things. Having a baby to cuddle and fuss over. It doesn’t work that way for everyone though.

Having said that, I have blocked a lot of my social media friends. I can’t cope with their constant updates about their accidental pregnancies. It seems in the 19 months we’ve been ttc for, more people I know have fallen pregnant without trying than in the many years before that.

It is really hard but if you want to save your friendship, it might just be a case of biting the bullet. It was unfair of her to say she was upset you weren’t happy for her. Does she know your fertility struggles? Maybe reserve a day a month where you can visit her so it’s not too overwhelming and other times speak via phone/text? That way if she starts bringing up baby talk or something you feel too upset or uncomfortable talking about, you can make your excuses (got to go, I’m busy etc) easily. It’ll take time but maybe just taking small steps will help. I would also tell her that you want to be friends but you’re having a hard time right now and if she is any kind of friend, she will be as sensitive and supportive as she can be. Good luck!

Hi IVFunicorn,
I can completely understand your feelings. Me and DH have been ttc #1 for 2 years now as well. We recently were told we can’t be refered for IVF until November now either, which added to the upset ☹️

Anyway, I digress... 3 of my friends have gotten pregnant while we’ve been trying, as have my SIL and close family member (all within less than 3 months of trying!) I won’t lie it is hard and you can’t help but compare yourself / Q why it is so hard for you and not others.

Over the past 6 months I have done the following which I found really helped my mental health:

• started CBT and self help. Continued to practice this (the book SUMO is great!)
• started accupuncture
• limited my use of social media (you’ll be surprised how much this helps!!)
• whenever I get feelings of negativity / sadness about our fertility issue or feelings of jealousy towards friends/others who are pregnant I try to remember...

All the positive things in my life. Assure myself that everybody’s journey is different and of the stats (realistically it is a very low % of the population who will not get pregnant even after fertility drugs/IVF). Also I’m only 29 so have to stop putting timescales on when I will be pregnant by! Allow myself a day or 2 to be upset when AF arrives but try not to dwell on it! Don’t be too hard on myself if I get jealous/upset of other pregnancy announcements.

I’ve also improved friendships as I decided to be open and honest with my feelings, and have found this to be so helpful. If I don’t feel up to attending a baby shower I give my apologies and send a gift still, they have all been so understanding and I have stopped beating myself up about whether or not to go to these things. Could you try explaining to your friend about the issues and how this made you feel with her announcement? I’m sure she would understand.

Sending lots of love

Your feelings are completely normal under the circumstances. Your friends don’t sound particularly supportive (do they know about your struggles?) and if it was me, I’d say something like I’m happy for you but finding it hard at the moment. And leave it at that. Non-supportive friendships can unfortunately be collateral damage from infertility. Hope the counselling helps.

Thank you for your replies, I've found them very helpful. I'll look the book up thanks for the suggestion. I've already limited my social media and un-followed (not deleted) a good few people to minimise the impact on a daily basis.

This couple, as I'm friends with both, both know where I'm up to fertility wise. They have tried to be kind and say they'd like to support us/me etc but clearly they don't understand how this feels. I don't want them to understand it in a way, I'm pleased that they don't walk the same path as me but to tell me how easy their conception was and ask me to be happy for them I just find incredibly difficult and counteracting it with honesty about my own situation doesn't seem to have helped.

I'm now a little paranoid about not "looking happy" for people and loosing friends. I've not told that many people about my treatment and I've had some very mixed responses from the few that I have. It has made me worry about being more open with people and I think I'll keep quiet for a bit now. I don't really have anyone in the family I can tell. I'm not close with my mum and I don't feel I've someone that I can completely let it all out to. Maybe the counselling will help with this.

Hi OP, I'm coming in this from a different perspective - we didn't have fertility issues however we have many friends that do. Even my own parents, my younger brother was conceived through IVF.

DD was born 4 years ago. We were very lucky. Many of our friends however were (and some still are) going through major fertility issues the same time I was pregnant and gave birth. My best friend even lost her baby at 23 weeks a week after DDs birth (she was at dd's birth).

In a long and garbled way I'm trying to say how DARE your friends expect you to be happy? I never once expected that from my friends. Are you sure you still want to be friends with them? You have every right to be upset and even envious. I was very aware of my various friends' feelings when firstly announcing the pregnancy (told them face to face - I didn't post on FB until I was after 20 weeks) and also once DD had been born I let them decide when/if they wanted to see her. Even now I'm aware that Birthday parties etc. hurt them and I accept that.

So I haven't gone through it myself but I'd like to think that a decent person is aware of another person's feelings. Sending you very un-mumsnetty hugs.

Also to add - if your so-called friends react negatively to you opening up about your fertility issues I wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore. Shit happens, true friends help you through it.

I couldn’t agree more with ISeeTheLight, they are not being very supportive/good friends at all.

You should definitely NOT feel guilty about “looking happy” for them. It’s blooming hard work this infertility lark and you can only put a smile on for so long! They should not be expecting this from you and should be acting in similar manner to the above poster. This is was my friends did (once I finally told them) and the very few people that were not supportive/understanding we don’t see each other much anymore, but I feel mentally better for it!

Sending you hugs xx

I used to hate getting Christmas cards in case some of my friends were waiting to announce their "happy news" in those .... or watch celebrities on TV and wonder how they managed to get pg. That's how paranoid I became.

Not many people knew of our IF struggles, but I did find that, eventually, those friends that had stuck with us through thick and thin, were the ones worth something. Everyone else disappeared into thin air.

I'm another one who's outraged that someone should question why you are not happy at the arrival of their baby. I'm sure that you are - but you have so much else to cope with that it doesn't leave room for much else. Self preservation is the key here. Do what is right for you and your DH. True friends will understand, trust me, and will be with you for the long haul.

We had 8 years TTC (of hell actually), and of those few friends who stuck with us, one of them is actually Godmother to our DD. Hang on in there - you are most definitely not alone. Hugs.

I've been on both sides of this. It took 6 years an an Mc to conceive mine. I just found honesty was best. I lost some friends by it but some gave me the space I needed and understood when I couldn't bring myself to attend a baby shower.

But, I find it difficult to make friends. Dh is on a sports team and is friends with a lovely couple the same age as us but she's had an mc and an ectopic. She won't come over, refuses to socialise with me and openly admits she's jealous and has never given me the chance to explain. I think its possible to have friends without even discussing children or pregnancy but she disagrees and it hurts.

My db lost his wife to cancer.They never had dc. His new partner is older and refuses to have children. As a result he won't have anything to do with mine because he's finding it difficult to accept he may not have dc of his own. I get it and I'm trying not to push but that hurts too.

Again just be honest and, where possible, try not to make it an issue. I always felt that friends I lost over my troubles weren't worth it anyway. Good luck Op.

Thank you everyone for your support. I’ve found it a very tough few days dealing with this on top of my ivf anxieties. It’s comforing to know it’s not just me having these feelings. I been worrying that I’m an awful person on top of everything else. I’m just exhausted with it all.

When I've been to counselling, the advice has always been 'take care of yourself.' Sometimes this will mean nurturing friendships that mean a lot to you and sometimes this will mean letting some drift further apart. Friendships drift for all sorts of reasons (changing jobs, moving house, busy with new interests, not as much in common, etc) and most people don't feel guilty about those. I think struggling with infertility is an incredibly valid reason to have to pull back from a relationship.

Infertility makes feelings raw...it's what most people going through it think about all day, every day. You are at such a heightened sensitivity which is why it's so hard to be around other people's pregnancies and babies. It's rubbing salt in the wound.

Any good friend would understand your situation – you have nothing to feel bad about. I recently posted on here about my friend texting me a scan photo and urgently wanting to Skype about her pregnancy, despite knowing that I am struggling to conceive #1 after several years TTC and then 1 failed IVF cycle. She didn't handle it well when I explained I didn't feel up to chatting and has since ignored me, despite me explaining that I'm really happy for her but struggling myself.

I'm fairly certain my friendship is over/damaged now (not my choice!) but I am still glad I was honest. Like others have said, I've found being honest the best way and have found some friendships have really blossomed and people have been incredibly supportive.

Good luck for your IVF cycle

I've got a slightly different perspective. I hope I'm not flamed...

My best friend has been struggling to get pregnant for some time. I was always of the school of thought that where one person has fertility struggles and the other is pregnant, it should be 100% about sensitivity to the person with the fertility struggles. After all, the struggling person is the one who is suffering mentally on a daily basis, while the pregnant person has everything the other person dreamed of and can celebrate and chat about the pregnancy with other people.

Then I got pregnant... and it is much harder being in this position than I expected. When I realised that I was pregnant, I was immediately anxious about the impact on my best friend, it took over my thoughts and upset me a lot. I dreamed about her, I cried in fear over what it would do to our relationship, I thought and thought again about how I could most sensitively deliver the news. I ultimately decided the best way to tell her was by text. She did not respond to me for a week. I was a nervous wreck for that week, and really upset that I was hurting her so deeply.

After that week, she warmly congratulated me. This meant the world to me - not because I thought she was happy or okay, but because I meant enough to her for her to want to do that in such difficult circumstances, and because it made me hope that our friendship was not over.

We've had a few bumps in the road. We have definitely seen less of each other, but she has not avoided me entirely. I never mention the pregnancy. There was a period of a few months when I was really struggling and thought I might lose the baby. It was really difficult for me to see her and act normally when she knew nothing about that. Yes I had support from others, but it was harder than I had imagined to be going through something so difficult with no support at all from my best friend. It felt hard to think that if something were to happen to the baby, part of her might be relieved.

Now, later in the pregnancy, when we do see each other she will of her own volition very kindly ask me how I am feeling or even express excitement. I know how incredibly hard this is for her. I love and admire her so much for having the grace and love to do this.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's not quite as black and white as it might seem. People have zoned in on OP's comment that her friend has said she should be happy for her, but seem to have missed the fact that OP completely ignored her friend for her entire pregnancy, then turned up and was unable to put on a good face when she finally did see her friend. I don't suggest for a minute that it would be easy to put on a good face in the circumstances. Just that to me, it sounds like her friend has extended a good deal of tolerance and understanding already. If my best friend totally ignored me for my whole pregnancy, then made a scene when she finally saw me and my baby, I might have understood it, but I would have found it very difficult, anxiety-inducing and hurtful, and it would likely have permanently damaged our relationship. As it stands, we have come to a sort of middle ground situation where we both try to be sensitive to each other, and I think - hope - our friendship will escape unscathed.

Thank you all for your responses, they have genuinely helped. It is a genuine comfort to know that others can understand how I feel and it makes me feel less isolated. I think that @bluebird3 you are right and that I may have pull to back from a few situations, maybe at least while things just hurt so much.

I've decided now to tell my closest set of friends about my difficulties and treatment, I think being honest with people will help me feel less alone and might help me heal a little to.

Thank you also @MariaIncognita. I posted this to find out what other people thought and I do not expect everyone to agree and I respect you for telling me how the other side can feel. This couple, although close and I have deeply valued their friendship, are not my "best friends". My best friend is though now ttc and I need to try and process how to deal with things as I can't imagine my life without her. I have to say though even in my frame of mind I would never ever in the slightest feel relief at someone else's bad outcome to their pregnancy.

I'm not dealing with this whole ttc problem which this demonstrates. I genuinely don't want to upset people but neither can I manage at the minute with situation I am in. Someone at work announced their pregnancy whilst this has playing out. I've been anxious and ill this week with it. I mean ultimately what I am going to do? I can't cut everyone out my life and I know that.

To be clear I don't like my behaviour or believe that I've done the right thing, the problem is that I can't help it. I can't seem to do it any other way. Hopefully through counselling, a bit of time and some support I can be a better person. I'm just struggling with it that's all.

@ivfunicorn I really didn't mean to criticise you. I really do feel so much for you (and my best friend, and anyone else with the sheer bad luck to face this). I know I would find it an incredibly difficult position to be in. I can't and don't blame you for feeling so awful and I really hope first and foremost that everything works out for you, and that in the meantime you get all of the support you need to deal with this from a mental health point of view.

I suppose I was just trying to counterbalance the other posts who were suggesting that this friend was totally insensitive and unreasonable and was no loss to you. I generally do take that view - eg when I read @ohbigdaddio 's original thread I thought her "friend" was hideously thoughtless and self-centred. I'm just not sure that is definitely the case here and I can see why a total pregnancy black-out followed by a bad visit might upset a friend. You are not in a good place and I totally get that and don't mean to kick you when you're down, just to agree with your original post that you need to consider how to approach this from a relationship maintenance point of view - it's not enough imo to just say that your relationship with any friend who is worth her salt will be fine regardless because I don't think that's necessarily right. But certainly I would share the information with people close to you so they can give you support, and counselling sounds like a really good plan.

Wishing you all the best