Feeling useless

[Sarah110683]

Hi there,

I've been ttc for 2 and a half years. I'm down on the list for IVF now, and hope to start that in the summer.

I just wondered if anyone else out there feels helpless/like a failure?

I always thought pregnancy/having a baby was the most natural/easy thing in the world. I never thought for a minute it would be like this.
It just consumes your everyday life. It feels like it's all i think about, and it really makes me feel very miserable.

Is anyone else like that? Is it always on your mind? I almost feel like i'm going mad, because i can't put it to the back of my mind.

I feel better for writing this, as my husband doesn't completely understand it, and i don't want to go, on and on about it to friends, family etc because nobody i know has been through this.
They've all never had a problem with fertility. :(

I feel like this sometimes. Women should be able to have babies naturally, that’s what we’re here for right?? I watched a video on YouTube last year that made me think a little differently. It was a conception video and it took you through the journey of conception from ejaculation to fertilisation and it was an eye-opener for sure. The amount of obstacles in the way, the way your own body thinks sperm is a foreign object so your immune system tries to kill it... it’s honestly a wonder anyone gets pregnant ever. Whenever I’m feeling like a failure, I try and remember that video. We’re taught in school that getting pregnant is as easy as having sex, sperm meets egg and hey presto but it’s SO much more complicated than that. I have the link for the video if you’d like to watch it. It made me feel a tiny bit better

Thank you Bubblegum89.

Yes please - the link for the video would be good. :) It sounds interesting.

It always seems like it should be so easy and natural, shame it's not the case for a lot of us. :(

I hope your journey will be successful. :)

Couldn't read and run Sarah, I could have written your post at the beginning of my journey.

I'm fortunate enough to have beautiful twin girls now, but it was a long road and I felt exactly like you do.

I have no pearls of wisdom to make it easier I'm afraid, I'm not sure there are any. Every suggestion given to me either annoyed me ('enjoy sleep while you can') or had me wondering where they bought their crystal ball from ('it'll happen for you one day').

The only advice I can offer you is to protect yourself as much as you can. Don't attend the baby showers if they're too hard, block posts from pregnant friends or friends with new babies on Facebook and do what you need for you, not what everyone else wants.

Xx

It’s just so crappy, I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy :( here’s the link although you’ll have to C&P it into your browser because I don’t know how to do instant links on here lol m.youtube.com/watch?v=_5OvgQW6FG4 it’s worth a watch though, I found it really interesting as I certainly had no idea about most of the stuff the guy is talking about.

I really hope you get your BFP soon. The waiting is so hard. Good luck with your IVF :)

Thank you Sammylou1.

That means a lot. I'm glad your journey ended well. :) xx

Thank you Bubblegum89.

I'll have a watch when I get home. I'm new to mum's net so not down with all the ins and outs of it either! Lol

I really hope you get your BFP soon. It's like a form of torture the waiting and hoping.
Thank you for replying to my message. It has helped knowing I'm not alone. :) x

Hi Sarah didn't want to read and run. I was ttc for 7 years and every time AF came I felt like a total failure each and every time. Obviously it didn't help that everyone around me was getting pregnant and no one had any issues (well not that they discussed!). I don't know if you feel the same but I basically shut down and didn't tell anyone about our issues DH and I decided to stick together particularly when I had told one cousin who also confided her own issues and when she got pregnant afterwards cut me out of everything- in her view it was to protect my feelings - in reality it made me feel like I was walking around with BARREN burned into my forehead as I was excluded from family gathering etc. I found the forums great as they were anonymous and actually almost better informed than ivf clinics! In reality humans are akin to Pandas we have a less than 20% chance of conceiving every time we have sex! Whilst the sensible side of my brain knew that the "I want to be a mommy side" felt so gutted every month. It was made worse by the fact I felt it was all me and not DH as we were unexplained infertility but DH is younger than me so I was fixated on it being my fault/ my eggs. We did IVF twice and neither time worked we were due to go for a third time with a different clinic/consultant and the month before I conceived naturally. Best of luck OP if you want to do me anytime please feel free

*dm me

Thank you Mommybear1 and Melaniekim.

It has helped hearing other people's stories. I have been feeling very alone and isolated, so it's been nice to share my feelings. Thank you everyone who has responded. :)

It's like you are living in a miserable bubble most of the time.

It really is horrible. Especially birth announcements, pregnant people, friends and families with babies. It's the acting happy all the time, it can be tough.

It's the comments of 'oh I didn't think it would happen so quickly' they are the worst! lol

Melaniekim that sounded such a awful time for you. I'm so pleased you got a lovely miracle at the end. :)

Thank you again. Lots of Love :)

Hi just jumping on to say your not alone! I like you am waiting to start the IVF process after over 4 years of trying, i’m 36 this summer. Following our test my partner has issues with his sperm so as a result we’ve been advised to go straight to ivf. Whilst I feel this is a step forward for us I can’t help but feel like we are a failure in equal measure. It really is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, then I’m freaking myself out by thinking about the success rates of ivf not to mention potential costs. My OH is annoyingly laid back n optimistic about it all...to the point where he thinks it will work first time! Honestly i’ve practically turned into a hermit as it’s just easier all round for me. I confided in two friends n on reflection I wish I hadn’t as they are constantly asking q’s, I know it’s cos they care but this whole journey has turned me into a different person I’ve not even told my parents. I can’t even have chocolate n wine as I’m trying to be good but feeing particularly meh today as AF due. I feel comfort in knowing that there are other people feeling very similar, on this rollacoaster journey like us, thinking about everyone on this journey. We can do this!

Yes what you are feeling is totally normal

I ttc for 10yrs - that’s 120ish cycles of crying eyes out every time af came or ivf failed

What for others is so easy is so hard for us

And the ones who fall accidently pregnant - forgot to take the pill - was only once /mercy shag and all got pregnant

I did have success eventually. 5th ivf worked and dd is now 1

But i still R.E.M. every time someone got preg or asked why I didn’t have kids - esp as I work with them

I wish you every success

It did help telling friends and family that I was having trouble conceiving and then that stopped the questions

@sarah110683 I’ve been ttc for 2 years. I agree completely about feeling like you’re in a misery bubble. It is very lonely and isolating. I’ve found it difficult to talk about not only as I find the words hard to find but also I don’t want to upset anyone. Either by my situation or because they have something going on that I’m oblivious to.

I normally like to take control over things but I cannot control this and I find that hard. I’ve tried to regain some control the last few days through learning about diet etc I’m the hope it’ll help. It’s pretty much all I can think of at the minute.

No one in my family has had a fertility issue and I’ve noticed recently that I’ve stopped calling them as much. It’s like I expect them not to understand before they know. I know this is completely irrational.

Good luck sarah110683.

@Ivfunicorn I'm in the exact same boat as you.
My Sister and mum had no trouble conceiving, but then they were both in there 20's when they had kids.
My DH and I decided to enjoy nice holidays etc after we got married, and left it for a few years thinking it would be really easy to fall pregnant. I was pretty shocked at how hard it would be. I never thought it would be like this.

I always wonder if i'd started a few years earlier would things of turned out differently. Hindsight is a wonderful thing eh!

Yes i'm now trying to sort out a healthy diet/way of living. It's the only thing i can think of as well. Although it always annoys me when people say 'oh i never gave up alcohol' or my diet was awful before i fell pregnant' Why can't that be us! lol

Yes i totally understand about upsetting anyone, and discussing it with people. It's hard, because if they haven't gone through it, or don't know much about Ivf, it's knowing where to start talking about it.

Have you found being on mumsnet is helping a wee bit? I've found since writing on this, that i almost feel a sense of relief that i'm not alone, and there are other people experiencing this journey. I always felt like it's only me going through this! lol.

I wish you all the luck in the world @ivfunicorn. :)

www.verywellfamily.com/fertility-challenged-stop-doing-these-10-things-1960003

Some are impossible such as basing your life in ttc and infertility. But it's nice to read something that makes it feel normal to be so in your own head about it. I've got very little hope left because as the months turned to years I realised it wasn't working but my heart still makes me cry even if my head is sensible.

Sarah mumsnet saved me during our struggle. In fact I'm now Facebook friends with many of the ladies I chatted with.

I had 2 failed cycles and a couple of false starts (ohss or non thickening womb linings) and he only thing I changed on the successful one was that I had Accupuncture. I've no idea if it made the slightest bit of difference or if it was just coincidence but thought I'd share in case it was something you'd consider. If nothing else it was very relaxing!