Infertility shame

[Sunshine19]

Hi everyone just needed to vent as I can’t do anywhere else without judgement or crappy advice getting thrown at me!!
We had our Gynae appt this week and was instantly told our next step is IVF. Although I’m only going on the waiting list once I’ve kicked the ecigs (no problem) and we go from there!
I haven’t told any of my family because I somehow feel ashamed and friends all have babies too. I was really hoping for this outcome but now that it’s real why do I feel guilty, old and Barron? I’ve been so open and honest about all my previous fertility testing and MC problems I just can’t understand why I feel I can’t talk about it anymore.
And I know that I’m lucky we have an NHS that can do this for us and even luckier we have 3 tries at the procedure it really doesn’t make any sense I can’t be happy about it.
I’m so sorry for offending anyone and thank you for even reading this. Was thinking about going to see GP about counselling as I think I’m depressed too.

Hi Sunshine

We all have our own way of dealing with this awful process. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do things in any sort of prescriptive way - look after yourself and your mental health. Those that love you will understand.

We were told we would need ICSI last April and I kept it to myself for a few weeks whilst i dealt with it but then succumbed to telling my family. BAD IDEA! I so regret that now, as now all I get asked is how it’s going, what the docs have said, how my DH’s sperm are doing etc and it’s so annoying. I really wish I hadn’t.
Mind you, if I hadn’t I would have still got endless lectures about getting pregnant.

It’s all a bit fresh for you now but you will find the strength to get through this and perhaps also find occasions where you can be happy and hopeful. Seek counselling as early as you can to help you along the way xxx

Sounds like counselling would be a good idea.

And there's no shame in infertility - some might have a problem with their arm or liver, others have some problems with their reproductive systems. One of those things.

Can I ask.... were you told you can't have ivf if you're on e cigarettes?

Thanks for your kind replies. Yeah @Dia12 I feel the same way. My family knows we are having trouble conceiving, I didn’t want to tell them about IVF cos all I’ll get is ‘what’s next then’? And meanwhile my sister has announced she’s pregnant again. All my 3 sisters have one or more kids and they just don’t get it. Mum keeps telling me about her friend who has IVF, of course I’m happy it’s all going well but always thought I’d do this naturally and she’s too impatient and keeps telling me to go back to the GP to try and push appointments so doesn’t get the waiting game.
Thanks @jojosm2 you totally get it too, but hearing Mum say ‘we’re so fertile’ all my life is like a kick in the shins! I feel like my body is letting me down a little.
Yeah @Hopingnwishing the Fertility Doc told me I’m not in the list until I’ve gave them up so I’ve to go on patches on Monday then gradually come off altogether and do a carbon monoxide test in 8 wks and if I pass then I’m on the list. The hospital are turning away vapers now so if that’s what it takes then no problem xox

Hi @Sunshine19 I completely understand how you are feeling and have felt that same way myself this month.
We have been ttc for over a year and I've finally been referred to a fertility specialist for more thorough testing and, if it all comes back fine, DH & I are going to ask for an IUI.
I thought the referral would feel good as it would mean it's opening up our possibilities of conceiving - but I actually felt quite depressed by it.
It's finally sunk in that I've hit the yr mark and am considered "infertile" and that maybe this won't just happen for us naturally, even with time.
That we will need help, and god knows what else they will find wrong with DH & I when we get more thorough testing - so far a lower than normal sperm count is it, and a slightly low egg reserve.
I feel overwhelmed and like having a baby is still so far away.
And I have to mourn the loss of my dream of conceiving naturally and easy without having to think about it much.
Totally understand about not telling family too. I love my mum and could desperately do with her kind words and support, but she also has lots of opinions on the most minute aspects of my and DH lives - which I find stressful at the best of times - and stress is counter active to conceiving.
So I'm on this journey alone even though I need my mum.
Thankfully we all have this supportive community of women here to comfort one another.
Sending you hugs and I hope you get your good news very very soon xxx

I actually took a totally different approach and was very open about my struggles to conceive. I found this helped me a great deal as people understood me and I could talk to them about how I was feeling. People stopped asking me so when are you and your husband going to have one then and people who had struggled to conceive and had kept it private also opened up. There is no shame at all in having fertility issues but I totally understand how you are feeling x

OP, haven't been through this but I think sometimes your emotions need to catch up with the reality before you can inform other people where you're at.

Apologies for the bad comparison but I remember feeling so ashamed telling people that I'd left DCs' father and that I was single, and on benefits. But after a while when I'd processed it, the words just tumbled out of my mouth. It wasn't a battle to keep my face in any particular stoic arrangement.

Sorry for commenting on this thread, just realised it's on the infertility board.

I've been TTC for 2 years, starting to look at IVF. Guilt has been a big part of what I've been feeling lately. Every single person I've spoken to about these feelings seems horrified that I blame myself for something that is out of my control & in many ways down to luck.

It's difficult though, having a baby and becoming a mother is a huge part of a woman's identity & when you don't seem able to achieve something that appears to happen so easily to people around you then it is a huge thing to get over & I've been blaming myself.

I don't really have anything insightful to say aside from you're not alone & I totally understand how you feel. TTC can have a huge toll on your mental health so do try to find ways to look after it. Good luck!