Sad & struggling to conceive

[danitawl]

Hello 😊. Just reaching out for some support as a childless wife who is struggling to conceive for more than a yr, and would appreciate any kind words. Yesterday marked my 15th cycle of ttc that resulted in a period.

As I sat on the couch drinking my morning cuppa - almost certain I was preg due to ridiculously sore boobs/a bit of dizziness/funny twingy cramps and pulling feeling just on the left hand side of my abdomen in the few days before - my period came suddenly, marked by an onset of pain and when I went to check a decent amount of red blood. I thought to myself, seriously not again.

Usually I handle it ok and manage to get on with it but not yesterday. I feel I have used up all my coping now and am falling apart. I bawled before work then managed to get through to lunch before driving to a nearby lake for my lunch break, parking and losing it again.

Everything has become a trigger for my emotions: seeing a mother and baby in a cafe, hearing a friend say she is going to start trying soon (and worrying she will fall preg right away), any mention of my besties pregnancy, hearing colleagues talk about children...even a baby ad on tv for Christ’s sake!

I may sound like an awful person but usually I am kind, caring, supportive and always happy for my loved ones and others alike. But infertility has turned me into a horrible person, which is almost as bad as not being able to conceive 😞

My story is this: after 15 cycles of trying as hard as we can around busy full time jobs, only managing to track ovulation through OPKs - temping and everything else has proven difficult - we have had no luck with conceiving. We have had basic testing by GP which has come back fine aside from a slightly low sperm count for DH - and are seeing Monash IVF doctor soon for fertility testing and are planning on asking for an IUI. I just just need to know our conception fate is in someone else’s hands, just once!

I would appreciate any words of wisdom about how to cope when the sight of a baby, or even a brief mention, reduces me to tears????

And any stories of similar experiences????

xxx

I've found counselling to have varying degrees of success as well as antidepressants. It's a shit thing you're going through. Not sure how helpful it is to know you're not alone, cause I still think 'why me? Why not someone else?'

Be kind to yourself.

Hey Hun I know exactly how it feels I've been ttcing for the past 26months with no luck I have pcos and endometriosis amongst other health issues me and DH have been to our gp several times with not much help after a while I got fed up of been fed excuses and told her to refer me to gynaecology I seen gynae in jan who put me on metformin 2000mg still no luck so far ,my sister has not long had a baby and keeps rubbing it in my face and asking me constantly to babysit no one truly understands the mental affect infertility has and how it drains us 💔😪 hope you get your little miracle soon

Ttc since December 2016.
Don't ovulate and Clomid didn't make a difference. To top it all DH has a slightly low sperm count and if those has low normal morphology and only 10% motility

Thank you for your suggestions physicskate :) I think counselling is a great idea. Initially in my journey I just thought I could handle it myself, but I actually think it would be a great burden to get off my shoulders to tell someone else how I'm feeling.
I'm glad you have had some success with it and with the antidepressants.
You are quite right, it is a truly shitty thing to go through and it's so important to be kind to ourselves and not so hard on ourselves. I really should take my own advice hehe.
I wish you luck on your journey and send you hugs xxx

Oops @physicskate I didn't tag you properly in my reply to you, please see above xx

Hi @kieraleigh I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too, sending you strength and support ❤️
That must be awful with your sister, I can only imagine how heart broken you must feel for the constant reminder the baby brings - and at the same time wanting to be there to cherish your sis and the baby.
I feel the same way with my bestie who had a one yr old already when she conceived again on the first try - and has since delivered her baby 2 while I've been on this wretched journey. Seeing her full belly and hearing how nice it feels to know there is a life growing inside her makes me feel miserable. And at the same time she is a lovely person so I want her to be happy.
Such ugly emotions and bad ppl we become when faced with infertility - but at the same time we must accept how we feel and allow it as we can't help it. And deep down we know it's not who we really are.
You are quite right too, ppl who haven't suffered with infertility don't understand the mental and emotional trauma we go through. And the desperation we feel. There is no anguish quite like it.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey Kiera and I hope your little miracle is on the way soon too xx

Dear @Hopingnwishing I'm sorry to hear about all your struggles and am sending you strength and love. I can only imagine how you are feeling, and I hope you are getting all the help you need - both emotionally and with a good fertility specialist ❤️❤️
We have been trying for very similar time periods, I think your journey is a couple of months longer than mine. Do you take some comfort in knowing it hasn't been that long yet and we still have time on our sides? I do take some comfort from that myself, but I also know that on the hardest days it is not enough to console me.
Take care of yourself and I hope you soon have a precious bub on the way xxx

I have good days and bad days. I'm 34 so it's not too late still. My gp referred me after 13 months and only waited 4 weeks to see the gynaecologist. He thinks it's due to stress on my part from various things in my life this past year. Dh needs to do some lifestyle things and then we'll review in 2 to 3 months and potentially if things work we'd be looking at a summer baby which I really didn't want. We live on a farm so I'd really want to avoid being over 3 months pregnant during the winter as it's a lot of manual labour and the snow and ice is risky.

You may have already heard of this... but I was TTC almost 3 years before I had. It's a lubricant called concieve plus. It's meant to aid the sperm in getting to the egg. Honestly I was never 100% sure how it worked but thought we'd give it a go as OH sperm had also came back low. We got pregnant that month after 3 long years of TTC! I have the most beautiful almost 9mo daughter now. I'm not sure if it was that, or just luck... but maybe worth looking into? Good luck...

Hi!

I honestly understand what you mean about every baby and mother breaking your heart. It’s all I think of constantly! I’m a nanny so I’m around children all day and at baby groups with young babies and the mums are heavily pregnant! It angers me how people can get pregnant so fast :(

Me and my partner have been trying for 6 years, we’ve had 3 miscarriages in 2014, ,2015 and 2017. I’ve had a lap op and everything was fine and my partner had brilliant sperm so I don’t know what the issue is. They haven’t recommended anything else for us to do/try so I’m just falling down this black hole more and more every time I get my period each month.

It’s sucks as all my friends are trying and the rest have children so it’s like a race :(

@danitawl

danitawl,
I’m sorry to read of your struggles. It took me a long time and IVF and I remember that horrible feeling each month so well. It’s really difficult seeing babies everywhere... That’s good that you are seeing a specialist soon, hopefully they will support you with some assisted conception. Personally I needed to avoid babies for a while, you need to look after yourself at this difficult time. Take care of yourself