Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Flip

Original poster

Do I want a baby enough to go through IVF?

18 replies

dressagediva79 · 10/03/2018 14:23

Firstly, I don't mean any disrespect to those of you that are trying so hard and are desperate to have a baby. I really feel for you.

I always thought that I'd grow up, get married and have kids - the normal thing that everyone's "supposed to do". And I know I'd make an amazing mum - I really do love kids and I'm really good with them. I also like handing them back at the end of the day! and I've never had that really broody feeling but I always thought that was because of having horses and already having had that responsibility for something else since I was 11 but since September I have a lot less of that.

I'm now 39, about to turn the big 4-0 this year and hubs and I have been trying for about 4 years now. We've had all the tests and to cut a long story short it's just "unexplained" (what a great term that is). Thing is if we really want a baby then we have to go down the ivf route and soon because of my age, but lately I've just been thinking that actually I don't really want a baby enough to put my body through that - on top of all the risks of a normal pregnancy. There's also a part of me that doesn't want to give up the relative freedom I/we have at the moment. Thing is, I spoke to OH about it the other day and he says he needs me to make my mind up because he's always pictured his life with kids in it. We've been together 19 years but he's never mentioned that it was make or break re kids until I told him my doubts about having ivf.

Part of me thinks if we can't have kids naturally then I'd love to foster at some stage in the future to try and give kids who are already out there the love and support they need, but I don't know when I'd want to look into that and it seems that wouldn't be enough for OH.

Is there anyone one here who has felt that and hasn't regretted not going down the ivf route or equally have you felt that but done the ivf anyway? I just feel like doing ivf is something you really need to want to get through it.

Sorry, bit of an essay I know!!

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 10/03/2018 16:13

I had IVF with complications but frankly don't think it was that much of a big deal or putting your body through who knows what. Just some medical treatment to deal with medical issues that prevented our bodies from functioning properly. And it isn't even that invasive/tricky compared to many treatments and operations for a range of other medical issues.

If you've been actively trying for 4 years, I almost wonder if your current approach is more of a defence mechanism as things haven't panned out the way you'd hoped.

In terms of fostering or adoption, it's worth looking into as you're interested but it's nothing like having biological children. A completely different kettle of fish that you might choose to pursue regardless of having own offspring (even if it involves medical treatment).

430West · 10/03/2018 19:13

What ^ she said.

IVF is nowhere near as bad as its made out to be; somehow the decision to have IVF feels like a huge deal, but once you're on the other side of that decision, it seems far less of an issue. When your DC is a couple of years old, the treatment will seem like a small blip way behind you in the fabric of your life.

I totally sympathise with the whole 'do I want a child this badly?' feelings, I went through them too and, for me anyway, it was definitely a defence mechanism against the potential disappointment of it not working.

Only you can make this decision, but I can assure you that its not at all as bad as you are currently thinking it is.

Chattycat78 · 10/03/2018 19:32

Totally agree. Ivf wasn’t that bad. Honestly.

Sarsparella · 10/03/2018 19:36

Ivf isn’t that bad physically, I found it worse mentally tbh. Remember as well it’s not guaranteed that ivf will 100% work either, and your DH needs to fully understand that if you do decide to have the treatment.

It might not work, and it’s nobodys fault if it doesn’t, you need to have that conversation too - what would you do if that happens?

thirtyplusone · 10/03/2018 19:41

As above, I’m sure some people have bad experiences. I had OHSS and I’d still come out saying that physically, it really wasn’t a big deal.

Even emotionally sure, there are bad days with all the hormones in your body, but I don’t look back on it negatively, whatsoever.

You take each day as it comes really. Follow a list of instructions, do what you’re told to the letter by super specialists in their fields, take drugs at the right time and get on with it if it’s what you want to do.

Ginandtonic31 · 10/03/2018 19:48

I'm quite glad to read this as we're about to embark on ivf although we've never tried to have children so never really made that decision to have any and like you I'm terrified of giving up my life as I know it. I'm never going to be broody or desperate to have children, in sort of just going with the IVF because my thinking is if i don't, when I'm older I might regret not having children, at least if I don't have any I can say I tried and it wasn't meant to be. One minute I look forward to a life with a child, the next I'm on the verge of a panic attack. It's such a hard decision 😞

rainbowgrimm · 10/03/2018 19:56

Op, I'm having similar thoughts about not 'wanting' it enough. Our story is different in that ours is 2ry infertility with a known cause. We only found out this week so we're still trying to process our thoughts but I've surprised myself with currently feeling I don't want to do IVF.
Thank you to all the previous posters for bring so open about there experiences, it's really helpful to hear from people saying it wasn't as bad as I think. The physical I think I can cope with, it's the mental impact I'm worried about.

Cmagic7 · 10/03/2018 19:56

We did one round of IVF after trying for several years. It failed and it was difficult emotionally. I always envied the people for who the decision to try to get pregnant was just making the decision to stop using contraception, and to allow fate to make the decision in a way. In order to go through the IVF process, you have to really make the decision that you want children, and so much is invested in that single effort. We decided not to through it again as neither of us were sure 100% sure that we needed children, similar to you. We just decided to leave it up to nature and a few years later, we fell pregnant naturally (and feel very lucky!). Who knows, we might have fallen pregnant on our 2nd IVF attempt if we'd have continued. I wish you luck with your decisions and outcomes.

Twickerhun · 10/03/2018 20:01

I didn’t find ivf that bad either but it worked for us which helped. Physically it was fine I had some bloating but otherwise ok. It really caused me problems with anxiety, which I’ve not had major problems with before, but otherwise was fine. Trying for years was much worse for my health, marriage and sanity!

LilQueenie · 10/03/2018 20:17

No probelms with ivf here either. I can honestly say I felt no pain. What is it about the IVF that bothers you OP?

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 10/03/2018 20:18

I suppose what you're really afraid of is raising your hopes.

It'd be a risk.

fireBird3000 · 10/03/2018 22:12

I had 5 cycles (with lots of ‘extras’ so loads of needles etc and all 5 failed although o did have other further treatments and had ds)
Ivf was really not a big deal physically, emotionally it was harder but not unbearable you’d be surprised what you can deal with and ivf sounds far scarier than it is x

user1497036202 · 10/03/2018 23:38

I feel like I may be completely on the other side here. I agree physically ivf isn't as bad as it could be although it has its moments - the endometrial scratch is not pleasant and egg collection can be tough afterwards. People who have had a positive come from the treatment I think may look st it through rise tinted glasses because they got what they wanted. But after 4 failed cycles and a miscarriage following cycle one I honestly say that emotionally it is the hardest thing we have ever done / it has taken its toll on our relationship and for me just had been so much harder on my brain and thoughts than never imagined. I sometimes wish that at least after cycle 2 we had decided enough was enough. The first start waiting plays with your mind. Not trying to be too negative but realistic - it doesn't work for everyone.

I think if you are not sure if you want children I wouldn't put yourself through if x

Viewofhedges · 11/03/2018 20:31

I was in a similar position to you and decided not to do it. I posted a similar query to yours at the time and while lots of people said to do it, one poster told me how it had taken its toll on her physically and emotionally to a huge extent and something about her post resonated with me so strongly that I (we) decided not to go ahead (though this was after phoning up to make the appointment and bring talked down by the nurse because she could tell how scared I was).

IVF is a huge decision and making it was the hardest part about infertility for me. I resent having to have made it - as if it meant I didn't want kids "enough". But I also think that pumping myself full of hormones and bringing on a false menopause (which is how the hospital described it to me) wasn't something I felt I could do. I'm now past the age where I could try and I do sometimes wonder what if, but I also think that to have done it, potentially fucked up my mind, body and marriage and still not had children wasn't worth the risk, and I have never since wished I had decided otherwise. I /we made the best decision for us at the time.

Sending you warm wishes, it's a very tough decision and an instance I believe when science and choice actually makes life harder.

landaa · 12/03/2018 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

juneau · 12/03/2018 14:52

What worries me more than your indecision is the fact that your DH has 'always pictured his life with kids in it'. IVF comes with no guarantees - particularly when you're 40 or older. So yes, the clock is definitely ticking loudly and it is decision time, but I think your DH needs to face the fact that even if you do go through IVF that doesn't guarantee him a baby at the end of it and he needs to get his head around that and either start considering other options such as fostering/adoption, or accepting that his future may not have kids in it. Sorry if that sounds harsh - it sounds like you have accepted that OP - but maybe he hasn't?

LilQueenie · 12/03/2018 18:20

pumping myself full of hormones and bringing on a false menopause

Its a temporary false menopause though. I had the same effect with hormone treatment for endometriosis. Its also the same as using the pill. It overrides your own hormones and suppresses them so the cycle can be controlled to ensure they get the correct timing for implantation.

sprinkleoflilacglitter · 12/03/2018 23:13

I don't understand why he left it so late to try if children were a be all and end all. But I am writing from the perspective of a woman with unexplained infertility.

I went through ivf and had the same doubts as you. Aged 37 I felt like what if I'm too set in my ways - will the procedures be invasive etc.

Not gonna lie - ivf isn't a total walk in the park - but it's manageable. My way of coping was to grit my teeth and push through. I struggled more mentally and by the end of the treatment was starting to get serious anxiety going to the clinic.

Anyways - long story short was me and she agreed this would be our one shot. I made it clear that I wasn't going to do more than one round (it's all we can have on the NHS).

Flip